GOLDEN

My church's first observance of the Lenten season began last year.
I remember the excitement, the joy of celebrating something new.
It was the first time I received the "imposition of ashes".
I came straight home to take pictures of myself.


Ash Wednesday 2008

Last year I felt transformed by my experience.
But somehow, some way along this year, something began to shift in me.
I felt a lost connection, disorientation set in, a sort of aloneness emerged.

This year I probably would not have made it to service if I didn't have to go.
I was exhausted, feeling like another cold is beginning to weigh my body down.
But then the preacher got up to speak,
And I heard his words... his topic... the message:
"Grow Your Way Out"

I'm going growing through so much.
From relationships to finances to stress to work to my parents...
And I've actually been looking for a handout, praying for somebody, anybody, everybody...
Save me!

Tonight I became conscious of the fact that I haven't prayed or meditated in months.
With haste I've been attempting to handle all of my problems.
And then wonder why nothing is changing or improving.
Why I'm tired and overwhelmed.

I realized that the perfect man, millions in the bank, a prime job or the sweetest parents wouldn't make my life complete if I didn't have a divine relationship.
And it's because of that relationship that I know I am where I am supposed to be at this precise moment.
I am going through all of these things so that my relationship to Him can become closer, stronger, sharper than ever.

I've been in my "wilderness", wandering confused, looking here, there and everywhere and unable to grasp my lessons.
I've yet to stop, silence the voices in my head and physically still myself.
I've yet to seek Him instead of relying on my own methods.
Otherwise I'd know that ... God provides, preserves and through it all He is perfecting me.

Oh I can't wait to look back this time next year and rejoice over my triumph.
Like gold, I go through the fire...
My impurities (fear, anger, resentment, aggression, insecurity, greed, gluttony) are seared.
Like gold, I am malleable, able to transform yet sturdy when combined with alloys (love, nurturing, positivity, creativity) I am refined and yet I'm purified.
Like gold, I am valuable... precious.


Ash Wednesday 2009

Could Have Been Me...

I peruse the gossip websites MediaTakeOut, Bossip and TMZ and they love to hate on Amy Winehouse. I happen to adore her music. When she came out with Rehab, I bought her Back to Black cd and then my co-worker CB put me on to her earlier release Frank. To me… she’s the British, Caucasian version to Mary J., Lauryn Hill. Her voice is raspy and her lyrics are raw.

While I dig her music, it pains me when I see photos of her, drugged and spazzing out. I wonder what is torturing her soul so that she turns to drugs, alcohol and violence for solace.

Even more importantly whenever I see Amy, I think to myself… this could be me. When I see Whitney and Lauryn Hill, I feel the same… what if love-gone-wrong enveloped me and my only outlet was drugs, alcohol or living reclusively? I think of the 1 and ½ times that I tried marijuana… I probably wouldn’t have tried it had it not been for that man lying next to me, holding the blunt between his fingers… and he was the same guy who helped me slip myself a mickey at a party telling me to drink Heineken and Bacardi Limon – TOGETHER. I could be that drugged out, crazed woman searching for her soul. The night that I slipped myself a mickey, I was dazed and passing out. I am thankful for my friend who came in to see about me after he and I wandered into an empty room and I began to throw up while lying on my back. This friend along with her sister and another friend bathed me, washed my hair and took care of me… all of which was unbeknownst to me. At that moment, I was Amy, Whitney, Lauryn, Natalie, Lindsay…

I have so much compassion for these sisters. If I had to walk in their shoes, endure their pains and hurts, and see what their eyes have seen… Well let me tell you… It’s not because my eyes have been secluded from the harshness of life because my eyes have seen, my ears have heard, my heart has felt heaviness… extreme… My heart goes out to Amy. I send positive thoughts her way because I have had my share of battles that no one has known of. She suffers and the world sees. My heart goes out to every woman who suffers the same, only not in the public eye, but it’s a battle of the spirit, just the same.

Natalie Cole made a rather harsh comment about Amy being a bad influence, as if she is free to judge, and the critics and cynics throw negativity her way stating that Amy Winehouse won’t live to see 30… I am a witness to turn arounds. I believe in miracles. In the force of life changes and every woman who reinvented herself, I believe in time Amy too can transform.

Message From The Universe

Until the really "great" stuff comes along, do the not-so-great stuff.

The not-so-great stuff always leads to the great stuff.

Whereas doing nothing pretty much leads to nowhere.
And do it with a passion

-The Universe

That's An Order

For 2009, I made another “silent vow” to leave work on time. However I've yet to actually follow through with it. My actual work day goes a little something like “When I get here - 7 hours later” to fulfill my work obligation instead of an orderly 9:00 – 5:00. So let’s say I come into work at 10:40 a.m. (when I’m really supposed to be here at 9:30), I’ll leave work at 6:40 p.m. They don’t pay us for lunch, and I satisfy my 7 hours, no problem. Right? Well not necessarily.

My supervisor’s, supervisor’s, supervisor (the director of our division) has ordered that none of her staff works past 6:00 p.m. That cancels out me and 2 of my co-workers who lounge around the office way past regular evening hours, among many others in the building who seemingly have no life and don’t mind staying in a creepy library past dark. And what it also does is set us straight – we are to get here no later than 10:00 a.m. – and that’s final.

There are not too many people that I really like around this establishment. Oh I respect them, their titles and the jobs they do but I really like the director of our division. She appears to genuinely care about her staff, our welfare and well being. Though she’s never said it to me, I know that she is partly responsible for this promotion that I received a couple of years ago. I could have been and almost certainly should have been my own boss. I applied for the position that my supervisor holds and I didn’t get it for whatever reason my old supervisor didn’t choose me for. However when the workload began to overwhelm the newbie, they decided to split her work in half and hire me.

I’m grateful for my director (my supervisor’s, supervisor’s, supervisor). She’s familiar with her staff and makes it her business to acquaint herself with our issues.

I respect her management style. I sometimes feel like I need no correction, no regulation but by her creating order she’s commanding us to buckle up, set our priorities, establish our own personal order, and eliminate the clutter of our everyday. In this time of economic crisis, she’s sending a message – let’s do what we have to do, in the time we have to do it, and save time.

There are going to be some folks around here, pissed, that our director has set a mandate. Oh I’m sure they will defy her word and stay here huddled at their desks surfing the web or actually working well after everyone else has left the building. However, I’m heeding her word. I already know that it makes no sense for me to be here at this desk, instead of lounging at my home or just anywhere else. From this I learn that lesson that “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” -Thomas Merton

Who I'm Feeling...

India.Arie !

India.Arie has provided quite a few soundtracks for my life. She's a friend in my head and of course she's a Sister Libra so that makes her magnificent. She moves me with her words, her lyrics, her statements, her simplicity.


In 2001 she came out with Acoustic Soul and blew me away with "Brown Skin", "Ready for Love", "I See God in You" and my favorite "Strength, Courage & Wisdom". 2001 was a helluva year and India's music provided solace for me.


In 2002 she came out with Voyage To India... and produced my mantras "Talk To Her", "The Truth" and "Slow Down". When I'm feeling out of sorts, I'll throw on "Slow Down" and "Get It Together"and relax my mind and body.

"Get it together

You wanna heal your body

You have to heal your heart

Whatsoever is so you will reap

Get it together

You can fly fly"

And then in 2006, Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship came out and I rock the CD like it came out yesterday, especially now that I am going through my sorts with love. "These Eyes", "Good Mourning", "Private Party" and "I Am Not My Hair" (my hair transition ain't NO JOKE!) are my token remedies.


Tuesday I was fortunate to see her on Good Morning America and her music is just as refreshing as it was 8 years ago. Her hair has changed, her style has changed and maybe it's me and our "friendship" but I see and hear her growth.


Testimony: Vol. 2, Love & Politics is in stores now and features Chocolate High feat. Musiq Soulchild (my other friend) and Therapy.


If you haven't watched her VH1 SoulStage, I'm pretty sure they'll be repeating her performance in the days to come.

Post Valentine's Day Reflections...

This Valentine's Day was a nice one. I surrendered my will and spent a couple of "friendly" hours with my ex who treated me to lunch at my favorite restaurant on City Island, The Lobster House. I am a seafood junkie! and they fry up the best calamari. For the rest of the day and into the evening, I continued with my solitude, read my 455 page book, Lush Life, and rested.

When I first set out to write about Valentine's Day last week, it had a little negative undertone. I was jotting down my bad V-day encounters and loves that turned sour and I really didn't want to entertain the negativity. So I chucked it. Though I believe that negativity has it place when balanced out by positivity, my spirit wasn't settled.

This past Saturday and any and all Valentine's Days, I am pleasantly and lovingly greeted by the wonderful men in my life. Surely my girlfriends sent their love in phone calls and texts and I appreciated them much, however, my brother, KB, sent me beautiful Valentine's Day texts and my father was the first to call and wake me to wish me a great day.

KB is who I call my womb brother. We share the same mother and I have another brother and a sister, my father's children, from another woman. KB was my first daddy since my father was in and out of my life in my beginning months and though we are 11 years apart, he'd let me hang out with him and his buddies.... under duress. At times we allow the 11 year difference to cause a strain but, always, I remember the love we share, the times we've leaned on and supported each other and the amazing memories we have.

My Daddy... our relationship is one I truly treasure. My daddy is a quiet man. Our phone talks last anywhere from 1:30 minutes to about 10 minutes. We keep to the details, share a laugh or two and then the conversation ends. Our face-to-face conversations are much the same. I just appreciate the quiet moments.

Last year I posted Life Lessons I Wish I Learned From My Daddy and what a difference almost 6 months can make! I realize that there are life lessons I had already learned from my Daddy, through his quiet ways, and through my life experiences that compensated for what my Daddy was unable to teach.

Oh the ego... there are times that the ego blinds you from seeing the truth as it is. The ego fastens you to the past and the pain. The ego is binding but love is freeing... and it allows you to see what is and the good through all life's situations.

While I was typing about my daddy not telling or teaching me this or that, he taught me through his quiet ways that his wife and ALL of his children were his first priorities. Our painful past experiences in no way hold a torch to the stellar moments we do have.

When he called and woke me up this Saturday morning, the simpleness of his call reinforced his undying love. Of course it was a quick call but it was filled with warmth and that warmth stayed with me all day. In fact, it is embedded within.

Here is a picture of me and my Daddy from 1980ish. I had to be about 4 or 5 years-old.

The Restorative Idleness of Solitude

You know, Valentine’s Day can come and go and I wouldn’t blink an eye. I think because of the commercialism of the day, the overly-priced flowers and tacky trinkets, the day has lost its luster for me.
And then Lovebabz came over here the other day wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day and one of my on-the-job honeys reminded me that Saturday was V Day… and I got to thinkin’ about…

February 14th is filled with things to get into, mostly for lovers or potential lovers. Much like my friend True Urban Queen, I'm taking that love day and choosing to be a little selfish and give back to me.

These "occasions" are so filled with "I have to... I must... buy this, get that, make it so that this occasion is ultimately the best for so and so". Really, it creates a busyness, a frenzy, that is unnecessary because in essence, when you truly love someone, everyday is an opportunity to give and show just how much.

In my quest to keep my life s-i-m-p-l-e and in the spirit of love, I am giving back to... the spiritual me... the side of me who holds all of me together, keeps me sane, keeps me humble, keeps rooted, grounded... keeps me conscious.

These girlie magazines offer "survival guides" for celebrating love day solo, created for those who feel sorry, lonely and resentful for their singlehood. And some will tell single people to keep busy, visit friends, get out and about, creating another sort of frenzy, a frenzy to avoid being lonely. But I need no survival advice. And I choose to be alone because I know that I am not lonely. It's not about being physically alone but shifting my focus from what could have been, what should be to the present moment, what is.

In My Solitude...

...I need no red or pink colors, Cupid's help is not required. My creator loves me and I love me and even if someone dropped a million dollars at my feet, it simply cannot compare to the love within.

...I feel no anxiety with giving, receiving or worrying about the gift I bought, wondering if it's enough or just right. I share with my loved ones the gifts I have... faithfulness, patience, joy and kindness... and know that it is enough.

...I am not distracted, I am not indulging, or inebriating myself. I am choosing to dream my dreams and live lively. I will go about and do the things that bring me joy on free Saturdays like NOTHING. ~LOL~ A free day is a free day and while I get up and come to work, run for my church and check up on my friends and family routinely, I cannot wait to sit, read, stare in space, sleep... The chocolates will be eaten, the champagne drunk and the flowers will eventually die but I am choosing to invest my time in solitude. Solitude gives back abundantly...

And The Award Goes To...

ME? Awww gurl stop! Yes, yes, y'all!

The True Urban Queen has so graciously awarded me the "Your Blog is So Fabulous" award. Thank you very much. I am honored.

Here are the rules:
1. You need to list 5 Addictions that you have.
2. You have to pass this Tag to five (5) or more people with fabulous Blogs.

MY FIVE ADDICTIONS:

1. Peanut butter. Just last night I had an attack (hunger & boredom) and ate some peanut butter and graham crackers. I think it helps me to get in touch with the little girl in me as it sticks to the roof of my mouth. But then I also just enjoy the taste of it. I eat peanut butter every morning, take it like a multi-vitamin.

2. Hand bags. I have so many hand bags and all different colors too. I mostly like the big joints so I can put everything in one. I have no preference with a collection of name brand bags and no frills. LOL They just have to be fly and be able to hold all of my stuff.

3. Books. I never leave home without at least one. I never go long without reading a novel, a memoir or a self-help book. Right now I'm reading Love Your Life by Victoria Osteen.

4. Stationery. Pretty stationery. If you see my desk - oh my goodness! Paper is everywhere. At home, it's the same thing. I like flowers, colors, small scalloped paper, journals. I buy journals just to buy them and sometimes I give them away but mostly I hoard them.

5. Love. I love love. I'm addicted to it. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Love is the most beautiful energies I've ever experienced, nuth-ing like it. I keep this scripture, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, on my desk.

And now, like my girl KiayaPhD, who has also been awarded and if she wasn't, I would have honored her, I am not going to tag anyone. Too many fabulous people, too many fabulous blogs... plus my blog circle is small and my peeps have probably already been awarded...

But I am going to shout out you fabulous blog authors! KayC, Lovebabz, ClnMike, KiayaPhD, MsTeeJaye, Chezniki, The Prisoner's Wife, Brandi Bates.

Message From The Universe

Think back to a happy time in your life. A really, really happy time. If you can, try to remember the happiest you've ever felt. Think of the laughter, the peace, the confidence, the ease of it all. Emotionally, relive a few of those moments. Don't think of the details (people, places, or circumstances); just think of the way you felt.
Good. Very good. We're just creating some building blocks for tomorrow and the rest of your amazing life.

Adios,

The Universe

www.tut.com

Healthy Heart

This morning alike every morning, the 1st phone call I receive is from my mum. She says, "K, don't forget to wear your red today". I'm baffled on the phone, like, "red?". "Yes Ma (she calls me Ma), red for National Wear Red day" she responds.

So today, I have on a gorgeous red sweater, red costume jewelry earrings and my red coat to match. I left my red dress pin at home.

Today along with the entire month is devoted to spreading the word and bringing awareness to heart disease, how we are all at risk, and especially how it affects women.

Unfortunately I unhealthily ate some french fries and drank a soda for lunch but I'll leave that alone... for now.

When heart health popped into my mind, I thought, yes about the cardiac muscle, the organ itself and how it pumps blood through blood vessels... I thought about putting healthy foods in my body and exercising to keep my heart well and thriving. But I also thought about my figurative heart, the conscious, where my soul lies. The two are related because while it is beneficial to eat right and exercise, it is also imperative that we take heed to what we allow to enter our consciousness.

I think about when we eat unhealthily, drink unhealthily and abuse alcohol and drugs, it destroys our physical bodies. And just the same when we engage in negative self-talk, allow negative thoughts to enter our minds, and allow fear instead of love to dominate our lives, it kills the spiritual body and eventually spreads outward to our physical body.

Today I take pay attention to what and how I'm feeling.
Today I speak lovingly.
Today I am in tuned to attitudes and behaviors that serve me well.
Today I am filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Happy Friday, BlogPeeps! May you all have a loving weekend, enjoying the beautiful days ahead.

PEACE

'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.