In 2002 I received an email from one of my ex-boyfriends. I was apprehensive about communicating with him again. In a way I wanted to know how he was doing. While at the same time he was an ex and once I make up my mind to end an involvement, I normally do not go back. In this case, the idea of even considering going back frightened me.
I was young when I met this ex-boyfriend. I have always been gullible and through life experiences and discernment I have learned not to trust so easily. Yet I trusted him and I fell in love with him almost immediately.
While we dated he was physically and verbally abusive. He cheated on me and all the while we dated my self-esteem diminished. I was never one of those women who thought that if a man put his hands on you, he loves you. I knew he could not possibly love me but I stayed with him because I wanted him to stop hurting me and to love me as I deserved.
I won’t tell you that I was a victim because if he lifted his hand to me, I lifted mine right back though I’m sure I’m the only one who still carries the scars and memories of our fights. Through it all, I deeply desired to hurt him back for all of the bad he did to me. When an opportunity presented itself for me to hurt him, I jumped at it. He was destroyed by what I did to him and I was not happy with myself at all. I learned that healing will never come through revenge.
Late one night in 2002 he called my home. I remember lying in bed when the phone rang and after we exchanged greetings, he told me he called me just to say the he was sorry. He knew that I had my heart broken plenty since our relationship ended and he thought that he was to blame for what happened to me so he apologized to me for blatantly cheating on me and lying about it. He apologized for beating me unconscious and pushing me down a flight of stairs. He apologized for hurting me and my family and he told me that he desired to get back with me.
I considered getting back with him, starting over. By letting him in and talking to him, my old ways were upon me. But I was older and wiser too. Something told me to ask him one pertinent question and that was “If you lose your head and get angry about anything, will you put your hands on me again?” and he honestly answered me and told me that he couldn’t say no. That was all I needed to know and even though he came back apologetic, which I accepted, I knew that my past should remain behind me.
A lot of women don’t receive “the apology” when we’ve been hurt by men. I was happy to hear it, I needed to hear it but I acquired strength and self-love through the years and I knew I didn’t want nor need him intimately in my life.
K’s Love List
41. Loves and takes pride in himself
42. Emotionally stable and secure
43. Thinks with his mind and not his penis
44. Seeks and allows God to direct his actions, thoughts and words
45. Slow to blame
46. Willing to admit wrongdoings
47. Willing to change
48. Slow to argue and quick to seek harmony
49. Will love me, respect me and honor me daily
50. Enjoys watching old episodes of the Twilight Zone
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