Thursday, July 31, 2008

Love Addiction... Love List Thursdays

I remember the 80s hit by Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love". I loved the video with the "matching" women in black dresses, hair pulled back tight in a bun and those redder than red lips. But the lyrics...

“Your lights are on, but you’re not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes
You can’t sleep, you can’t eat
Threes no doubt, you’re in deep
Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe
Another kiss is all you need”

I told you the story a few months back about my friend who was in a relationship with Jay-Z in my
Untitled post. Everyday she spoke to him, she would recall conversations, tell me what advice Jay had for her… this is a classic love addiction. The truth is that my friend was very lonely. She was approaching 30 at the time, she was single, no children and she deeply desired a connection to someone. For her it was Vibe magazine shots of Jay and his music. Sometimes it can be a real person.

“You see the signs, but you can’t read
You’re runnin at a different speed
You heart beats in double time
Another kiss and you’ll be mine, a one track mind
You can’t be saved
Oblivion is all you crave”

When I told my friend’s story, I also stated that I was in love with an imaginary lover. Someone who occupied bedroom space, mental space but little to nothing else. This was not what I wanted for myself and I ended the relationship.

There is a support group for love addicts and they have a website (I included it below). When I visited the site I was interested in seeing if I truly was a love addict or just making bad decisions. Of the 40 questions presented, I have to admit that I answered yes, honestly, to a bunch of them. I’m not ashamed of it! I make mistakes! Sometimes I think with my emotions and not with my mind. However I don’t consider what I’ve felt or experienced to be an addiction.

*I know I’ve been so caught up, so into someone that if I received a late night phone call intended for one thing only, I’d jump quickly into a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, the sexy bra & panty set I bought for such occasions and some flip flops and high tail it over to his spot or slip out of bed, into the shower, shaving my legs and arm pits, combing out my doobie and slipping on some lingerie and high heels awaiting his arrival.
For some that just plain ole horniness and lust. For some it can be an addiction.

*I know there was a time or 2 that I dialed a number repeatedly because I knew he was home, either alone and not answering my calls or with someone else. Okay – yeah – maybe that was addiction.

*I know I have fantasized about a certain someone and what all we could have been if only we stayed together.

*I know I love romance and sentiments and I’ve given it some intense thought.

There are all kinds of love addicts. I won’t get into them much but the link to Love Addicts Anonymous is

Love is sometimes crazy. Sometimes love hurts. Love can feel overwhelmingly good and at times it can be the most serene sensation. I love LOVE. I’m never going to end my quest for it. I have had some exceptional love moments, love sessions, love affairs that I will never regret but what I’ve learned is that healthy love begins with me. I can’t find it in anyone else no matter how good they deliver. I don’t have to seek it in the imaginary because it’s real to me, it resides deep inside of me, I exude it, I demand it, and I claim it. I have so much love that I freely give it…

K's Love List

71. Knows to love healthy and loves me strong
72. Doesn't hold grudges (I borrowed this from Kiaya, another Love Lister)
73. Very slow to judge others
74. Blesses each meal
75. Has a long memory and recalls even the smallest memories that we share.

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work


The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I wrote about telling a friend I was in love with him. You left a comment I was the selfish one.
Now, I want you to read your star one and two points.
We had crossed the friendship line.
He wanted to take it back to friends only.
Am I still selfish?

As always loving your list. I am going to just steal yours.

MsKnowitAll said...

Queen... I recommented on your blog and NO you're not selfish. As a true blue feminist, I usually stick with the Sisters and always give men the backhand. I should have known there was more to the story.

Thanks for loving the list!

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I should have told more but, I was trying to hold back.
He is my best friend.
Knows my pain, heartaches, secrets, joys, dreams, everything. He even koked he is the keeper of my life story.

We crossed the line. It was so easy I always liked him.
So, after a few times and the dreadful conversation he says let's just be friends.

Stab me.
So, I have tried and it is so hard. I don't want to her about others or wonder what he is doing.
So, I tried to break it off.
I avoided him for two weeks. So, I finally answered the phone he is like are you done avoiding me?
I used your word "purge" to explain how I am trying to let go of all the negative feelings and move on but, that we could be friends from a distance.

He tells me he will not be purged from my life and get over it.

That's another problem he has this hold on me and he knows it. Though we are friends he gets mad if I mention dating others or wanting to go out. He will show up take me to a movie then bring me home and drop me off like happy now.
And I will stay alone because I don't want to upset him. Or lose him.

That is why I have to let go but, he is the only person I got in my life to share with.

MsKnowitAll said...

Queen... I feel you on this and I support you keeping your distance. It's your heart that hurts & I've been there in the past a not so long ago...

Do you regret crossing the line or are you glad for the lesson?

You know yourself but I think you need some time apart. Maybe your friendship could be restored since he's so close to you. I hope it can be...

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I regret crossing the line only because I let my feelings get in the way of a good friendship.

He has a transfer to New York in the works for his job so that will be good for us.

I think I am hard headed so, I can't say lesson learned.

Pernille Rose said...


I am Pernille Rose, a documentary filmmaker from Copenhagen, Denmark. I am doing research on my new film about love addiction.
In my research I have been talking to many therapists and specialists including love addiction pioneer Pia Mellody (AZ) to get a better understanding of this addiction.

I am now looking for love addicts to tell me their stories so I can fully understand love addiction through the eyes of the addict. Have you experienced love addiction? How has this affected your life?

If you, or someone you know, is interested in helping us understand more about love addiction we want to hear your story.

I would like to talk with both men and women in any phases of love addiction.
I understand the sensitivity of this topic and fully respect anonymity.

I am available on email, over the phone and additionally, I am scheduled to be in Los Angeles and New York in March 2009 to meet participants in person.

Email me at:

All the very best

Pernille Rose

Director’s bio:
Award winning director, Pernille Rose Groenkjaer of Copenhagen, Denmark is a 10-year veteran of documentary film. Her latest feature documentary "The Monastery – Mr. Vig and the Nun" premiered at Sundance, played in theatres in New York and other cities and has received worldwide acclaim, winning 14 awards internationally including The Cinema Eye Award in New York, the prestigious Joris Ivens Award in Amsterdam and it also earned a Spirit Award nomination 2008 (Independent Oscar). It has travelled to over 60 festivals around the world.