Love Addiction... Love List Thursdays

I remember the 80s hit by Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love". I loved the video with the "matching" women in black dresses, hair pulled back tight in a bun and those redder than red lips. But the lyrics...

“Your lights are on, but you’re not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes
You can’t sleep, you can’t eat
Threes no doubt, you’re in deep
Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe
Another kiss is all you need”

I told you the story a few months back about my friend who was in a relationship with Jay-Z in my Untitled post. Everyday she spoke to him, she would recall conversations, tell me what advice Jay had for her… this is a classic love addiction. The truth is that my friend was very lonely. She was approaching 30 at the time, she was single, no children and she deeply desired a connection to someone. For her it was Vibe magazine shots of Jay and his music. Sometimes it can be a real person.

“You see the signs, but you can’t read
You’re runnin at a different speed
You heart beats in double time
Another kiss and you’ll be mine, a one track mind
You can’t be saved
Oblivion is all you crave”

When I told my friend’s story, I also stated that I was in love with an imaginary lover. Someone who occupied bedroom space, mental space but little to nothing else. This was not what I wanted for myself and I ended the relationship.

There is a support group for love addicts and they have a website (I included it below). When I visited the site I was interested in seeing if I truly was a love addict or just making bad decisions. Of the 40 questions presented, I have to admit that I answered yes, honestly, to a bunch of them. I’m not ashamed of it! I make mistakes! Sometimes I think with my emotions and not with my mind. However I don’t consider what I’ve felt or experienced to be an addiction.

*I know I’ve been so caught up, so into someone that if I received a late night phone call intended for one thing only, I’d jump quickly into a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, the sexy bra & panty set I bought for such occasions and some flip flops and high tail it over to his spot or slip out of bed, into the shower, shaving my legs and arm pits, combing out my doobie and slipping on some lingerie and high heels awaiting his arrival.
For some that just plain ole horniness and lust. For some it can be an addiction.

*I know there was a time or 2 that I dialed a number repeatedly because I knew he was home, either alone and not answering my calls or with someone else. Okay – yeah – maybe that was addiction.

*I know I have fantasized about a certain someone and what all we could have been if only we stayed together.

*I know I love romance and sentiments and I’ve given it some intense thought.

There are all kinds of love addicts. I won’t get into them much but the link to Love Addicts Anonymous is http://loveaddicts.org/.

Love is sometimes crazy. Sometimes love hurts. Love can feel overwhelmingly good and at times it can be the most serene sensation. I love LOVE. I’m never going to end my quest for it. I have had some exceptional love moments, love sessions, love affairs that I will never regret but what I’ve learned is that healthy love begins with me. I can’t find it in anyone else no matter how good they deliver. I don’t have to seek it in the imaginary because it’s real to me, it resides deep inside of me, I exude it, I demand it, and I claim it. I have so much love that I freely give it…

K's Love List

71. Knows to love healthy and loves me strong
72. Doesn't hold grudges (I borrowed this from Kiaya, another Love Lister)
73. Very slow to judge others
74. Blesses each meal
75. Has a long memory and recalls even the smallest memories that we share.

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Reality TV - NOT

It's so easy for me to get caught up watching Reality TV especially on Sunday nights. The main reason for that is because I'm not in my own home which has dust on my TV and remote because I hardly watch television when I am alone.

Two of my non favorite shows that I can't help but watch is I Love $ and From G's and Gents. I happen to enjoy watching Baldwin Hills and I can't quite understand why because there is no other show that depicts spoiled Black children in the most idiotic circumstances.

What I can't stand about reality shows:

The name changes
Why must they give the person or why does the person have to change their real name? What's the point in the show being dubbed reality if you won't or don't give your government name? Then the fools have the worst names. This character on G's to Gents, his name is Shotta. What is that all about? I won't get into the Flava of Love girls's names that are now featured on I Love $. It's totally ridiculous to me.

The Not Scripts
Reality shows are not supposed to be scripted but tell me why it sure sounds like it. I got it! They give them a scenario and then tell them to talk it out? Well then it's scripted. It can't be real if it's scripted and it sounds terrible.

The Edits
Reality isn't really reality if someone takes and edits it! Then you know what they do? After they film it, the fix it and sometimes people aren't in the crumby situations or saying the vulgar and foolish things you hear them say in the clip. Isn't that crazy? And you know how they have the camera time for the individual person? They are usually wearing a different outfit than the one they are wearing in the episode. If you take a good look, you will notice in the one on one camera time segments, their outfits and hairstyles never change. So I wonder if they tape them later or in advance?

A few years ago I had to put myself on a Reality TV diet. From America's Next Top Model to American Idol, I was hooked. After watching a program on how reality shows aren't real, after Fantasia won the title (I think), and after Eva won Top model, I went cold turkey and turned my tv off. Well not really I had to watch I Love New York and Charm School, but after then I was done. It's all repetitive and it's not enlightening to watch but here I am watching them all over again.

My all-time favorite reality shows...

The Real World (The mother of modern day Reality TV) - Season 1 with Heather B., Eric Nies, and Kevin Powell & Season 2 with comedian David Edwards and Kenny Anderson's baby mama Tami Roman.

Sheer Genius

Top Chef

Last Comic Standing

Biggest Loser

Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Only for the krazy Khloe)

Celebrity Fit Club

Judge Judy - I simply love when she calls someone stupid (because they usually are) or says her famous "Beauty Fades but Dumb Is Forever"

Run's House

mid year resolution

"Keep the promises you make to yourself"

While eating a Dove chocolate I see this quote on the back of the wrapper. At first I crumpled it up but then something told me to open it. This comes in right on time as I'm sitting at my desk with a hand written note that says "I Quit!!!" and I'm feeling a wee bit froggy.

I made a promise to myself...

* To leave my job by year 12. My 1st promise was to get out of here by year 5 but I got lazy. Definitely this is my last full year here in this institution.

* To be more positive and stop complaining. It's really easy to get caught up and say whatever comes to mind rather than channeling that positive energy and being more grateful.

* To stop procrastinating. I have improved in this area so much, but I have a ways to go.

* To talk less and listen more. I haven't excelled in this area at all, I'm such a chatterbox. :(

* Mid-year people purge. I usually purge people from my life every year but I'm grateful that I've surrounded myself with some good folks and have no need to purge... a lot. However, there are a few folks in my circle who serve no purpose. Mostly mentally and I'm got to take back some of my mental space.

I think the key to it all is to be realistic. It's difficult to make promises or changes in your life if you really don't want to or if it's too hard to. We make promises to ourselves that we're just not serious about and they just fizzle.

So today I'm giving serious thought to my new promises. No need to wait until December 31st to write out a list of resolutions. Everyday is an opportunity for me to look at my life and make some readjustments.

Manic Monday... Kool and The Gang

I went back a little with this one but some music is sooo timeless....

Happy Weekend!

I'm at work, slaving for "the man", don't even have a post in my head today but...

I said this evening

(Living for the weekend)

For the next two days

(Living for the weekend)

Gonna have a real good time

(Living for the weekend)

Gonna have a real, realReal good time

(Living for the weekend)

Gonna party hard, hard

That's gonna be me this weekend... looking forward to partying tonight, tomorrow night, resting all day Sunday...

Happy Weekend Y'all....

The Golden Rule: Reciprocity… Love List Thursdays

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” ~Maya Angelou

I believe that all of my life I have been a giver and therefore I am a better giver than I am a receiver. Often when someone gives back to me, I feel guilty. I do not know why and I am still trying to understand it...

In the West Indian culture, it is common when visiting someone’s home that you always bring something and you leave with something. At least that’s with the older generation and I know it’s not exclusive to just the WI culture. The other day I was visiting my dad and I brought him my old cell phones for him to take back on his visit home. One is for my niece and the other is for her cousin. I also brought him a straw hat. In turn I went home with a bag of fruit and a T-shirt. This has to be the first time that I didn't feel so guilty afterwards, however it's the give and take principle that I'm trying to emphasize.

The same is true in love. Nowadays everyone seems to be so selfish. They want love and they want to have it their way. Customized Love. Greedy and want it all kinda love. Some people are not “courageous” enough to love and give their all and/or they won’t allow people to love them in return. Because they think that by doing so, they will only get hurt. We say we want someone to love us and then find reasons and actions to push them straight out of our lives.

The truth is no one enjoys loving and not being loved in return. The essence of love is that it is given, treasured and then returned. Another truth is reciprocity is no guarantee. You can love someone with the best that you have, fervently, only for it to be ill received or ignored. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. As wonderful as love feels, it hurts like hell when it turns bad.

If you have found that one or if you are in pursuit, the golden rule is reciprocity… giving and receiving mutually. Love is just a feeling. If you don’t feel it, you cannot fake it. Yet if you do feel it you owe it to yourself and the one you love to allow the power of love to work.

K's Love List

61. Loves me reciprocal

62. Supports me in all of my endeavors

63. Loves me fairly/equally

64. Encourages me

65. Allows me to love him

66. Excellent in conflict resolution

67. Non-resistant to change

68. Empathetic to my thoughts & feelings

69. Sexual, physical, intellectual compatibility

70. Knows how I value chocolate

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Rep MY Hood

Eyewitness News
BROOKLYN - -- A possible hostage situation was unfolding late Sunday night in Brooklyn....


Here we (me and my guy) are relaxing on the couch, watching the news when we see the above news flash across the screen. Instantly I'm like, "Whoaaa dude, this is happening in YOUR hood". We run to the window and there are crowds everywhere, people are pointing up to the building where the young lady is holding young children hostage.

About a month ago, I'm walking to the train station in Brooklyn on my way to work when 2 young men snatch a woman's purse as she was walking to the train station. Now I am a bag lady. On any given day, especially when I'm commuting from Brooklyn, I've got 2 to 3 bags. This could have been me.

I happen to live in the Bronx, born and raised, and I'm not saying that women don't get their purses snatched or there are no hostage situations or even worse possible situations but when things happen when I'm at home I don't feel perplexed, in foreign land.

When I'm in my hood, I have my local precinct's phone number programmed in my cell phone for those just in case situations.
When I'm in my hood, I'm aware of the streets, the avenues, the cross streets and all localities.
When I'm in my hood, I'm not afraid.

Now I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn has the coolest vibe. They have the best mix of Southern Blacks, native New Yorkers and Caribbean folk. If you want to get your hair done at 6 in the morning or at 11 pm, there's a spot in BK that can hook you up. I love the Brooklyn retailers such as Moshood and I can't forget Cake Man Raven, located in Brooklyn. Since I'm a non-meat eater, Brooklyn is simply the best place for satiating my veggie palate. Why? Because Brooklyn happens to be home to probably the largest Rastafarian populations outside of Jamaica.

When I first got with my guy, I was in love with Brooklyn. I wanted to relocate immediately. I could walk into the grocery store and hear music with words I understood. My little Caribbean accent came upon me with ease. My boyfriend didn't have any problems getting help whenever I was around because it appeared like I was a native. Even my co-worker CB (before we worked together and she didn't like me) thought I was from Brooklyn too.

But I love the Bronx even more... we've got the Yankees and I live just a few short blocks away from Yankee stadium. There's a Dominican hair salon on just about every corner where you can get your roots softened (like I just had mine done on Friday) for a minimal price because if anybody knows, Dominican women can soften some roughened hair! Mass transportation is hardly ever scarce in the Bronx, probably because it's not as large as the larger boroughs (Brooklyn & Queens). The Bronx is home to the best zoo and The New York Botanical Garden. If you want to go anywhere in upstate New York, you must come through the Bronx, also known as the Mainland, because no other borough connects to the rest of the state. We have our very own Little Italy with the best eateries, even though I wouldn't be caught there after dark, alone. Then there's City Island that offers the best seafood. On some nights when I've been bored, I've taken a walk to Washington Heights, which is located in Manhattan, with ease. We have our very own river, The Bronx River, which runs throughout the entire borough - it's beautiful but I wouldn't step anywhere near it. If you want a taxi, in most areas all you have to do is flag one. We too have our Caribbean population in the Northern Bronx. I love to take a drive up to the The Country Club area in the Bronx where you can find beautiful homes and mansions overlooking Orchard Beach. And it's probably best to be a little bilingual in the Bronx but through the good and the bad, the Bronx is so familiar to me.

However, now with all of the goings on.... The Bronx is more appealing. I spend a lot of my time in Brooklyn and for the past 3 years it feels like a 2nd home to me. But what I feel for the Bronx is more like a love affair, hot, steamy, electrifying. Say what you want about my borough but you better not talk bad about it because I simply won't stand for it!

Manic Monday... Brian McKnight

While cooking and being Susie Homemaker, I watched the "blue channel" on Cablevision. Here is my video highlight of my weekend....

Random Words I Type... Helluva Week

• One of the holy hell raisers here at my j-o-b decided to give me a copy of the book "The Divine Revelation of Hell". Now why would anyone want to read that?!?! And why does she think I would be intrigued by any revelation of hell? Who would write this? Some woman named Mary K. Baxter. Has Mary K. visited hell? It must have been revealed to her in a vision as it was revealed to John... Isn't there enough evil in the world going round? What the hell? (Get that?) LOL
  Then I think the book belongs to her daughter... why would she give me a young adult book to read? Why is a young adult reading about the revelations of hell? If I didn't know better, I'd think she was praising the other team.

• I have been extremely accommodating at my job these past few months. I have been covering phones for other offices all the while busting down my work. Today I decided to skip work this morning and go and get my do done. I feel very badly for my hairdresser because she had a heck of a job. My scalp hurt too much to part my hair so I put my tangled mess under a hat and she worked her magic. To CB: Yes, I went to the salon in the Bronx. I have 2 salons that I frequent. One in Brooklyn near my guy’s house and one in the Bronx. The Bronx does a better job. CB thinks it’s because I’m from the Bronx and your hair will only respond right if you get it done in your own borough.

• So on Tuesday, I dropped my MP3 player in the tracks and today while getting
  ready for work I realized I left 4 or 5 pairs of my jeans in the laundry mat last
  Saturday. Took me almost a darn week to realize they were gone! I went by there
  today and instead of the man telling me, “You know, we threw you
  clothes away” he tells me that I didn’t leave them there. I don’t feel too
  bad because the inner thigh was wearing out in all of them. LOL. But that’s
  what I get for rushing last week. Oh well! Time to go shopping!!!

• It’s been a helluva week. I’ve been fatigued like nobody’s business. I fell asleep on my co-worker during our lunch hour the other day. She thought I was bored but I was simply tired. After thinking it over, I realize it’s because I don’t exercise consistently anymore. I’ll try not to sweat out my touched up hair while getting active again. Darn, I’m yarning as I type!

• My co-workers Saki and CB did me a solid this week. They both fed me either lunch or dinner or sometimes both. It’s not that I asked them to but a sister was down to $5 and they were very generous. Saki was nice enough to give me a soup, you can’t go wrong with soup but there were some strange things I had to pick out of it first. So I told y’all, I told my mama - If I get sick from eating Saki's soup because she may very well be trying to poison a sister, right here’s the proof!
  
  Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

Oh wait!

Here’s Farnsworth Bentley’s new video “Everybody”. I loves me some Andre 3000. If not for him and Kanye this song would be a bore. The video is hilarious!

Love of My Own… Love List Thursdays

I remember a time in my life when I desperately wanted a man. With everything in me I was on the prowl. I went clubbing with my friends, hanging out in after work spots, attending mixers and what I noticed is that I kept attracting men who were already attached. I knew that there was something in the energy that I exuded but I didn’t know just what it was.

Around this time my girlfriend KC had just hooked up with her man and all she talked about was this Montell Jordan look-alike. I was heat-ed and jealous and I wouldn’t talk to KC for about a year. First off, all she talked about was how fine he was. Secondly he appeared to be the most stable and responsible brother and I wanted someone in my life, just like him. It took my sisterfriend DC sitting me down and explaining that he really didn’t look like Montell Jordan, which actually lifted my jealousy a lot. LOL

What I came to find was that I was always going to attract a man who was married or attached to someone else if I wanted what someone else had. My AHA moment! As DC’s Jamaican mum would say “That’s heavy stuff”. In order for me to attract a man for me, I would have to do some soul searching and determine the qualities I desired in a prospective partner.

I do not talk about my relationship much… and if my girlfriend/co-worker/therapist/play cousin CB reads this, she will definitely beg to differ. But I don’t blog about my relationship or I may but I mask it up when I do… My relationship is very fragile and has been for a while and I try to keep our matters contained. I won’t get into details but I will say this…

It’s not easy learning and loving someone especially when it seems like you’re riding on the worst emotional roller coaster of your life. However the love we share, that was developed from day one, I prayed for and found. We cultivate it and our love resounds between us two, not us three, definitely not us four – just us two. It took me years and lifetimes, kissing frogs and falling fervently on my knees before this love of my own came along. It’s not like KC’s love (and I thank God for that because Montell Jordan’s not twin has turned out to be a heart breaker). My love compares to no one else’s and that makes it imperfect perfection.

K’s Love List

51. Not legally attached to someone else
52. Not emotionally attached to someone else
53. Knows what it means & takes to be devoted
54. Sensitive to my needs & wishes
55. Knows how to be playful and loves having fun together
56. Sexually uninhibited
57. Enjoys making me feel special
58. Allows me to make him feel special
59. Knows how to give & take control
60. Knows how to cook very well

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Lessons Learned

I hate to lose things. Well I'm sure everyone does but when I lose my belongings, I go a little manic. On the outside, I am calm but inside I am extremely uneasy.

Last night my MP3 player fell in the subway tracks while I was on my way home from work. I was reaching into my bag and I pulled it out by the headphones but then it got stuck in the bag and the headphones were still in my hand but my MP3 player fell out, slid and paused right at the edge while me and 3 fellas were yelling out "NO, NO, NO" but then it fell over.

Immediately after peering over the edge of the platform I'm hoping someone will get it for me but no one does. And then I’m thinking of heading to Circuit City for the 8gig that I had my eye on. I know my guy would have a fit since he's the one who bought this one for me and when I mentioned the 8gig the other day he got in my butt because my 2gig is only 6 months old and I also have a digital camera and I just bought a new cell phone so I don't need the 8 gig. I watched my MP3 in the tracks and it looked unharmed and then I look up to see an oncoming train approach...

I waited until the train passed to make sure that the device was safe and it was. It was out of eye shot and the wind from the train didn’t throw it on the tracks. I didn't want anyone else to see it and get it while I went upstairs to tell the token booth clerk so she could call someone to retrieve it. I was informed that it would be an hour wait. I took a seat and waited. 6 minutes later I went back downstairs to see if the device was still in the tracks because I am paranoid. It was still there but there was a little dude down there with a cup, some keys in the cup and the cup tied to a string trying to get my MP3 player out the tracks!!! I calmly tell him to step off and after 15 minutes of trying to get his hands on my device, he finally leaves and he only stopped because a train was coming. He got on the train and I didn't leave the platform again.

Long story not so long, the men come in less than a hour, 45 seconds after that I have my device and 5 minutes later I am heading back on the train to my home.

Two years ago this same thing happened to me. Then it was my new cell phone that fell in the tracks but an adventurous man dived down and got it for me. I gave him my last 2 bucks and he gladly accepted it. But then I realized that if this same thing keeps happening to me, there is a lesson to be learned.

First off, I need to stop standing anywhere near the edge of the platform (even though my MP3 player really slid about 2 feet away from me) when I am reaching for my electronics out of my bag.

Secondly, I need to be grateful for what I have. I love and would feel naked and empty without my MP3 player especially on my many subway rides. I was about to listen to Erykah Badu's "Me" and Solange's "I Decided" before it fell. When you are grateful for what you have, you will do anything to preserve and protect it.

Thirdly, I had the opportunity to journal, which I haven't consistently done in so long. I wrote out a “to do” list, I composed this entry and listed the 10 things I'm grateful for. So I need to take more time to do the things that bring balance to my day.

What was even weirder was when I turned on the device to see if it worked and the song I had been listening to on my morning commute popped up. It was Robin Thicke’s “Lost Without You”.

My Grateful List
Grateful for my MP3 player, all 2gigs of it!
Strangers who help in the time of need
My journal – it’s always with me
5 senses
Sex & creatively sexual thoughts
An active imagination
Calmness in the midst of my mania
I’m alive & healthy
A bath & the bed when I get home
Chocolate

Kiss My Placenta

"How Dare You Disrespect My Queendom?"

Erykah Badu...
... she's quirky
... some call her crazy

When I spoke to my mom last night, who is an avid reader of Mediatakeout, she couldn't understand why Erykah keeps getting pregnant. My mom does not like Erykah Badu at all since she swears that Ms. Badu disrespected her. But now she really does not like her because she won't use birth control and the fact that she has three different baby fathers, that's just peeving her. Of course my mom has a lot of time on her hands because really...

What Erykah or anybody decides or does is their business!

Like Erykah said in her response/rant, "Who is the judge?".

As opinionated as I am, I try not to judge. Because I'm not perfect. Because I could have 10 children and just as many baby fathers. Because it's not my battle! Because she could be me or any woman that I know of.

Judgement is always harsh. It's not criticism where we say or do things to help the person along in life. Judgement is brow-beating a person for what WE think they should do because whatever they are doing is wrong. Judgement is placing a label on them... she's a slut, a whore, she's undesirable, she's less of a woman. Judging someone sets us apart from each other. We tend to think that that person is wrong and we are right. As for Erykah... she could have had 3 abortions... it's her body, her life, her conscious, her decision.

What also bothers me is that I know that the bulk of the comments and judgements are coming from women. Who better understands a woman who falls in love with 2 and now 3 men... than another woman. She has children with these men and she's raising them all the while wondering if the next man or the man in her life is going to accept her and her children. If he's going to mistreat or abuse her or her children. Who better understands a woman's concern of her man loving her AND her children, even though her children have fathers, who may or may not be present and active... than another woman. Who better understands a woman who loves a man so much that she wants to have a child/children with him, grow and build with him... than another woman.

Life doesn't always going along the path we plan but we still must live our lives to the fullest. I completely understand it and Erykah is one sassy woman! She basically said, hate it or love it - "Kiss my placenta!" Go Erykah go!

In case you haven't read or heard about the rant...
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/25609078.html?thread=3139992950


Romans 2: 1-3
God's Righteous Judgment
"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment?"

Manic Monday... weekend highlights

On Saturday, I went to a car dealership with my guy to pick out a new vehicle and I have a renewed commitment to public transportation. It's cheap, it's fairly reliable and there's no starving salesperson trying to swindle you out of all of your darn paycheck for a ride. Shucks! In this day and age, my guy is looking at a gas guzzling Jeep Laredo. I have little to no words for his vehicle choice but hey, it's his conscious and his pockets. On the plus side, we won't have to rent any vehicles for traveling. We have a PT Cruiser but it's giving problems, some very major and costly. He says hybrids are too expensive. I'm just looking to purchase a ten speed to ride or just rely on the good ole MTA.

Also on Saturday, My Aunt P. came up to visit my Mom. Apparently my aunt who is way too old for childish behavior comes up and she's picking on my mom. She started gigging on my mom's hair. My mom has beautiful locks and you know Black women are particular about our do, but my mom just took that mess but complained to me as soon as Aunt P. left. Then my aunt brought her 2 grandchildren and her husband's 2 grandchildren. My little cousins are well behaved and adorable. My uncle's grandchildren are huge terrors. Nothing peeves my mother more than big behind, greedy children who want to tear up her house. She said that they asked for gum. So she went and got a pack of gum and one of them took the entire pack and asked for another pack for his little brother.

I wish I was there. I'm an admitted hot head and I'm trying to change my evil ways but Aunt P. woulda caught some lip service and I simply love disciplining other people's chirren's. You don't mess with my mom!

My nephew calls me yesterday and I got a little sentimental. As a matter of fact, I am still misty. My nephew has signed up to join the National Guard and today he's flown down to boot camp. He's 20 but to me he's still a baby. Last night he says in a voice too deep to be real, "Auntie K. I know we don't talk much but I wanted to say goodbye and I love you". So Auntie K. had to get in his butt a little. I said, "We don't say goodbye baby, we say "see you later". I prayed about it and I know he's in God's hands but I haven't truly given it up because I worry about him so much. I just wish that school was an option for him but he wasn't the greatest student in high school and he says that he needs the discipline. I don't know why anyone would join any sector of the military right about now but I guess he's following in his father's footsteps since my brother joined the Navy. I told my neph that he better be in constant communication with me, just to let me know that all is well. First he better cry out for Jesus because he's in for a shock. Then his parents since that's a given but I must be third.

Think Twice... Love List Thursdays

I was inspired to write this post by a post written by Ticia entitled What If…


In 2002 I received an email from one of my ex-boyfriends. I was apprehensive about communicating with him again. In a way I wanted to know how he was doing. While at the same time he was an ex and once I make up my mind to end an involvement, I normally do not go back. In this case, the idea of even considering going back frightened me.

I was young when I met this ex-boyfriend. I have always been gullible and through life experiences and discernment I have learned not to trust so easily. Yet I trusted him and I fell in love with him almost immediately.

While we dated he was physically and verbally abusive. He cheated on me and all the while we dated my self-esteem diminished. I was never one of those women who thought that if a man put his hands on you, he loves you. I knew he could not possibly love me but I stayed with him because I wanted him to stop hurting me and to love me as I deserved.

I won’t tell you that I was a victim because if he lifted his hand to me, I lifted mine right back though I’m sure I’m the only one who still carries the scars and memories of our fights. Through it all, I deeply desired to hurt him back for all of the bad he did to me. When an opportunity presented itself for me to hurt him, I jumped at it. He was destroyed by what I did to him and I was not happy with myself at all. I learned that healing will never come through revenge.

Late one night in 2002 he called my home. I remember lying in bed when the phone rang and after we exchanged greetings, he told me he called me just to say the he was sorry. He knew that I had my heart broken plenty since our relationship ended and he thought that he was to blame for what happened to me so he apologized to me for blatantly cheating on me and lying about it. He apologized for beating me unconscious and pushing me down a flight of stairs. He apologized for hurting me and my family and he told me that he desired to get back with me.

I considered getting back with him, starting over. By letting him in and talking to him, my old ways were upon me. But I was older and wiser too. Something told me to ask him one pertinent question and that was “If you lose your head and get angry about anything, will you put your hands on me again?” and he honestly answered me and told me that he couldn’t say no. That was all I needed to know and even though he came back apologetic, which I accepted, I knew that my past should remain behind me.

A lot of women don’t receive “the apology” when we’ve been hurt by men. I was happy to hear it, I needed to hear it but I acquired strength and self-love through the years and I knew I didn’t want nor need him intimately in my life.



K’s Love List

41. Loves and takes pride in himself
42. Emotionally stable and secure
43. Thinks with his mind and not his penis
44. Seeks and allows God to direct his actions, thoughts and words
45. Slow to blame
46. Willing to admit wrongdoings
47. Willing to change
48. Slow to argue and quick to seek harmony
49. Will love me, respect me and honor me daily
50. Enjoys watching old episodes of the Twilight Zone

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Click on the label The Love List to read all Love List entries

Dreaming

i look forwarding to dreaming. it's like a movie in my mind and usually revolve around my experiences, the people i know, the people i want to get to know...
most often my dreams are delightful. like when i dream of andre benjamin, one of my on-the-job honeys or my boyfriend. i hardly have bad dreams (hopefully i won't have one tonight) but i usually prevent them by not eating cheese before going to bed. i don't know why eating cheese makes me nightmare...

the other night i dreamt of rick fox. now i love me some rick. i don't know where the dream derived because i haven't seen rick since i saw the awful "meet the browns" but he must be in my subconscious.

in the dream, rick and i were married and we had 2 children, 2 boys. my man rick, was the biggest cheater. i was driving home with the children when i walk in the house and there are about 30 women in my living room. in my head, i'm saying rick must think i'm some kinda punk! i walk into the bedroom and rick is laying in our bed with about 6 women, all shapes, sizes and colors. there were more women in the bedroom. they were on the floor, on the chaise, everywhere. i walked up to him while he was sleeping and i told him, "i won't raise my kids like this. i am leaving you". he smiled up at me with that beautiful smile, revealing his dimple and says "you're not going anywhere" and then i woke up.

i am too upset with rick fox! the minute that he's in my dreams, the brother got to be cheating on me!

then last night i have a dream about me and kanye west. i know this came from reading muze's post entitled "this is for the cool in you". so here i am hooking up with kanye and we are not romantically linked at all - we are just crazy cool, breaking into people's homes, eating their food all the while we're wearing backpacks and we're doing this just because he's kanye west and i'm his road dog.

first rick and now kanye.... what the heck!

some believe that dreams come to tell us something. for instance if my mother dreams about eggs, fish or chicken, someone is pregnant. some believe that we dream because of some ongoing issue in our lives, relationships, work, stressful situations, our thoughts, hopes, and goals. some people allow dreams to direct their lives much like reading horoscopes.

dreams still baffle us, scientists still have no clue. who knows for sure, especially when we can't go to bed and direct our own dreams. some people don't dream or don't remember their dreams and it is said and everyone, even blind people dream, every night.

i wonder though, how am i to interpret the dreams i have about andre bejamin or the dreams i have where i am wearing a white t-shirt and no panties and i'm always at work. i know the latter is supposed to mean that i am unsure of myself, ashamed or will be exposed. as far as kanye, i don't even mind. we were hanging out like cut buddies. but for rick fox... i'm not even mad at him. i still love him like he never even cheated on me...

WE vs. ME

I love relationships. I love being in relationships. I love doing couple's things and being able to look across the room and say, "Wow, that's mine! Smile and wink and share the knowing glances that only you two share. I think that I'm a balanced, a fuller person especially when I'm in a good relationship.

At the same time, relationships are never about the I, but about the WE - at least they're not supposed to be. Sometimes while doing the WE you lose yourself. Lose the things you love, the places you like to go, the people you like to see and the things that inspire and empower your everyday. I should have personalized that... Being in my relationship, I find it hard, almost a fight for me to do the things that I really enjoy for a number of reasons (not all bad reasons). So I find time for the things I like and I do them alone... sometimes.

It's a battle of the WE vs. ME. It's July now and I've got the rest of the summer to look forward to. It's hot out and my eyes are open for the next concert, the live performances, poetry nights, museum exhibits and street festivals. Little does my Love know, the Me is about to win!

WE vs. ME

We like shopping in the Home Depot, Lowe's and any home improvement store

WHILE

Me likes sitting on the beach, sipping on something cold, getting toasted by the sun

We like strolling through the isles of BJs, Costco or Target

WHILE

Me likes sitting in a dark theater watching the latest Blockbuster

We like picking out lawn furniture and putting it together

WHILE

Me likes sitting on the lawn furniture while listening to Erykah, India, Jill, Goapele, Dwele, Anthony, Musiq, Maxwell, and Amel Larrieux while I'm sipping on a screwdriver reading Tananarive Due or Bernice L. McFadden

We like staying at work until 8:00 at night

WHILE

Me likes hanging around the j-o-b until 8:00 so that I can catch the free movie at dusk

We don't like driving in the rain

WHILE

Me picks up an umbrella, some rain boots and keeps it moving on public transportation

We like to stay at home and enjoy each other's company

WHILE

Me likes socializing outside of the home until the wee hours of the morning

I know this is probably wrong but... WE are good but I like ME better and before resentment settles in, I think I gotta give in for some ME time.

Random K Thoughts

I hope everyone had a wonderful Independence Day weekend!

Tofunky
I didn't grill on Friday. I cooked in the house and I must say that my potato salad, spinach, grilled not beef burgers and not chicken buffalo wings were slamming. What I'm not feeling is Tofurky. I've been eating "not meat" for the past 2 months and it's been simply hard, which is part of the reason why me and boyfriend didn't venture to any cookouts. Right about now I'm tempted to eat some ribs and burgers and it's safe to stay home. Most of the "not meat" is good though. Morningstar does their thing with Chik patties, Grilling burgers, Corndogs and Sausage patties. However the Tofurky hot dogs went straight to the garbage. It's supposed to be soy hot dogs but for me it tastes indescribable and before I ate it just to not waste food, I dumped them.

Twilight Zone
If anyone knows me, I mean really knows me, they know I love the Twilight Zone. The SciFi channel runs marathons every New Year's Eve and New Year's Day and every July 4th Eve and July 4th Day. I've seen just about every episode and I rewatch them over and over again. The black and white, older episodes ONLY! None of those studio taped episodes and definitely not the modern ones!

Gotta Get a Bigger Bootie
I told myself that this would be the year that I finally booked a trip to the Essence Music Fest, especially with performances by Mint Condition, Ledisi, Mary J. and many others. However I didn't make plans for it :(.
One of my on-the-job husbands went down and I'm pretty sure his venture had nothing to do with the performances. Before he left, he made it his business to see me. I was a little annoyed by him going because I'm a jealous on-the-job wife but by the end of the visit I was in a better mood. He told me that he'll be thinking of me the entire time.
Not too long ago, I got a phone call from him. He's in good spirits. He's laughing and joking. And then he tells me, "Yo K, you have nothing on these women down here". (For a second, I thought he was complimenting me) Then he says, "They have gigantic, Serengeti booties. I don't know what we're going to do but you got to get your bootie up to their level". I said, "Thanks J. I see you've been thinking of me, just like you promised. See you tomorrow at work", and then I hung up. I'm so glad that our relationship is simply fictitious.... I'm looking back at my bootie right now....

Mirror Mirror... Love List Thursdays

The Physical

We women are always quick to say what we want to attract in the opposite sex but we don't necessarily live up to our own standards. We may like and adore the greatest of qualities in others but lack those very same qualities. We question why we attract a certain type of individual when we really desire the creme de la creme, superstar quality, wealthy and brilliant.

In creating my Love List, I purposely don't list qualities of a man who has anything that I don't. I spend a lot of time dating me, getting to know me and I know me very well. I can't ask anyone to offer anything that I don't possess. I can't ask for a Will Smith lookalike if I don't look like Jada Pinkett-Smith. I can't ask for anyone to openly and honestly communicate with me if I'm not a good communicator. And I can't ask for someone with huge Trump pockets when I'm a struggling blue collar woman. I know the adage says that opposites attract but the truth is Like Attracts Like.

I'm not saying that we must lower our standards but we must be real, taking a good look in the mirror and seeing ourselves - perfections and imperfections. If you don't like what you see when you're walking past the mirror, perhaps it's time to work on the physical, head to the gym or walk a few laps around the track. Perhaps it's time to head to the salon or the barber shop for a new do, or splurge a little on some new clothes and shoes. Afterall, if you don't like what you see in the mirror, chances are, nobody else will either. Upgrade yourself.

The Mental/Emotional

You know I love me some Erykah Badu and she hit it right on the head with...

"Bag lady you gone miss your bus / You can't hurry up / Cause you got too much stuff / When they see you comin' / Niggas take off runnin' / From you it's true / oh yes they do"

I won't claim to be free of baggage and all negative energy because I'm not and given any day or situation, something from my past, unresolved, may rise up and attack but if I want or if anyone wants to find and keep some love it's about fixing the brokenness. For me... With God all things are possible but everyone may not believe. So whatever must be done to heal the old wounds, forgive offenders, release negative attitudes, clear the clutter, let go of the baggage and "Pack Light", it's best to get to it. Self help books, hypnosis, therapy, chanting, yoga and I'm sure there are many other methods... holding in the anger and issues is a surefire route to Misery and Singledom.

I have a girlfriend with a Deelishis bootie who can't keep a man. She also has a beautiful face so that's not it either. She has some serious issues though. She's judgmental. She thinks that everyone excluding herself is ugly. I've tried talking to her and now I just pray for her. Her really good friends are just like her... but all of them are single. Nuff said.

Be Ready

In this day and age when everything we want and desire is available and attainable, the same goes for relationships. Some woman is out there right now, reading her Iyanla Vanzant books, she's in the gym sweating it out, she's got that weave or that short cut working, her clothes are tight and her attitude is right, she's got her own car, her own home or apartment - She's Ready. When or if Mr. Right comes along, he's going to find her balanced, loving and ready. She's done all her work to be a good mate. She's not waiting for Mr. Right to come along so she can prepare herself, get herself together and hope he'll be patient. She's done the behind the scenes labor and it's simply because she loves herself enough to put in the work. Meeting a potential mate, that's a bonus! How 'bout that?!

"Feels so good, when you're doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
Keep your head up high
In yourself, believe in you, believe in me
Having a really good time, I'm not complaining
And I'm a still wear a smile if it raining
I got to enjoy myself regardless
I appreciate life, I'm so glad I got mine"
--Mary J. Blige "Just Fine"

K's Love List

31. Has a good number of friends and knows how to be a good friend
32. A good kisser
33. Passionate and forgiving
34. Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger
35. Patient
36. Doesn't unnecessarily criticize or put down
37. A very good listener
38. Makes time to truly get to know me, my interests, my dislikes, my many, many moods
39. Has little to no baggage
40. Very, very affectionate



If you want to check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you want to know just How "Magic" Lists Work

I've Been Tagged

This is a first for me. I've never been tagged before! And I've got school girl excitement right now. Thanks to my homie, True Urban Queen.

The Rules
"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

MY LIST

1) For Real... by Amel Larrieux
It's not a new song but it's a fly summer song that I love listening to on my morning commute to the j-o-b.

2) The Way That I Love You... Ashanti
While Ashanti is not my most favorite singer, I love the music on this song.

3) Me... by Erykah Badu
I am so feeling New Amerykah and this song just like "Cleva" from Mama's Gun tells of her imperfections and she's simply saying that she is who she is, she's not perfect but she's accepting and loving herself.

4) Sweet Love... by Anita Baker
It's certainly not a new song but I love it! It's classic Anita (Rapture) and it moves me now like it did in '86. "With all my heart, I love you baby, stay with me and you will see, My arms will hold you baby, Bever leave, 'Cause, I believe I'm in love, Sweet Love" Whew!

5) Heaven Sent... by Keyshia Cole
"I wanna be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from... Sent from heaven, And there's a piece of me who leaves when you're gone, Because you're sent from... Sent from Heaven"

6) Got 2 Be Down... by Robin Thicke feat. Faith Evans
"Got that lovin / Got that seed / Got that sugar / Got that sweet / Got that money got that beat / Got that whatever u need / Oh I can't hide it you're my world / Got me thinking Im no good / Chocolate lover you're so sweet / Got me thinkin on my feet - It's got that funky beat and Faith's vocals - just feelin' it!

7) Praise Him In Advance... Marvin Sapp
No list would be complete without Gospel... I love this song a little more than "Never Would Have Made It" which is my next fave.

"I’ve had my share of ups and downs, times when there was no one around,
God came and spoke these words to me, praise will confuse the enemy.

I started singing, I started clapping, I started dancing, people were laughing, they knew my problems, they knew my pain, but I knew God would take them away.

That’s why I praise him with my hands, that’s why I praise him with a dance, He’s given me a second chance, come on lets praise him in advance"

Okay, here's my 7 folks
HoneyLibra
Jennabee
Kay C, The Quiet Storm
LoveBabz
Monique
Ms Liryc
Ticia

Vacation Days Off Re-Cap

Friday

I swear I think I work for my church more than I do for my 9 to 5 and I don't even get paid for it! Thankfully I had the day off but I still remained in my front of my home computer most of the day emailing, sending out letters, preparing church programs.
Then I went out to my church to finish the rest of my labor. Finally I was done "working" at 8:45 pm.
*I forgot to add when I first posted that I ordered my new phone from T-mobile. I'm so excited about it. It's got email, WiFi, video, photo and music abilities. So great, so great. It should arrive any day now.

Saturday

Boyfriend has a backyard, which we decided to furnish some more and clean up. What resulted is simply beautiful. The lawn furniture we picked out was reasonably priced and looks wonderful as we prepare for a summer full of grilling and outside parties. However my legs are bitten up by the nasty insects that lurked under the leaves and weeds. Literally, my legs are covered with huge red bumps. I look deformed. Silly of me to forget the OFF! So now I'm spraying myself with rubbing alcohol and rubbing hydrocortizone on my legs to prevent myself from scratching. I had a good scratch-fest last night though. I really wanted to wear a skirt to work this week! Oh well, summer pants for me.

Sunday

Back to the home improvement stores to return the unused items. A blower, some gloves and some other junk. We were prepared on Saturday and we did some damage out there but we didn't use all of equipment. We vegged out for the rest of the day and rewatched the BET Awards. I still love me some Maxwell.

Monday

I slept all day. I got up to eat twice but my tired eyes wouldn't focus on anything other than the inside of my lids until 4 pm. I needed the rest. I went back to bed at 11:00 pm and didn't miss a beat.

Today

Thank God for days off from work. My co-workers missed me. Saki even greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the neck. That shocked my socks and grossed me out a little. I don't kiss my co-workers and if I did, I'd rub my check against theirs not touch them with my lips, especially not the neck. What the heck was that? Anyway, I love my job. Good to be back!

*I forgot add when I first posted that last week Thursday was my sup's birthday and while she took off from work, so did my other co-workers and I was here all by my lonely. Yippee! Anyway, today they want to have an ice cream cake for her. It is also a very hormonal kind of a day for me, as far as my cravings go. :( Emotionally I'm great though! And so regretfully without my co-worker CB, it's turning into a Fat Girl Tuesday (FGT). CB, I'm thinking of you as I chomp on this chocolate cookie and my baked Lays.

*You know, just thinking about it, all of my on-the-job husbands already have actual wives... hmm...