Investing... Love List Thursdays

"Oh, you look good to me.... Your silky words are sweet.... But your pockets sure look empty"

I was recently talking to my father and as always he talks about being married to my mother and what occurred between them that prevents them from living under the same roof (they have been married for almost 33 years and separated for half that time). He usually focuses on the negative things but in this conversation he seemed a little upbeat when he spoke about their finances.

My father was the bread winner and he paid the rent, half of the Con Ed, the life insurance and bought the food. My mother paid the phone bill, half of the Con Ed and bought clothes for both me and my brother. Whatever was left over was split between their joint bank accounts and then on themselves. My father never knew what my mother's take home pay was, she never knew his. My mother took care of the home, washed all of our clothes and cooked all of our meals while working a 9 to 5 just like my father. Is that ideal? Not for some but it worked for them.

I don't need to know what someone's take home pay is or what he spends his money on, but I do want to know HOW he manages... if his bills are paid, if he was a checking and/or savings account, if he has direct deposit or if he's waiting outside the check cashing spot until 12:01 a.m.

I've had my share of stingy brothas even a brotha or two who laid up unemployed while I toiled and he looked to me for damn near everything including hair cut money. I'm so glad for a mother who got in my butt for being young and dumb and I'm certainly glad for lessons learned.

"`Cause nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'... You got to have somethin' if you wanna be with me... `Cause life is too serious, love's too mysterious.... A fly girl like me needs security"

If a man is going to be with me, he's going to have to spend some money on me. The thing is I'm a really simple woman. I like little things and I am financially sound so I'm not looking for someone to help me out of any bind, but as Mary sang in "Feel Like A Woman"....

"If you're on your way home, stop and buy me something, ohh.

Boy, buy me a bag.

Or buy me some shoes.

This is a part of me I'm tryna get you used to, ohh.

Boy, buy me diamonds.

Buy me pearls.

Buy me this.

Buy me that.

Make me fall deeper in love with you.

I'm tired of screaming independent.

I wanna start depending on you."

And it's not about being a gold digger, it's not about being taken care of, it's really about investing time and money into a relationship.

I like this article I found... Investing In Relationships

Another blog post on investing in relationships... If A Man Loves You, He'll Spend Money on You

K's Love List

21. Has a healthy relationship with money and all financial matters

22. Must have a checking and savings account

23. Has a life insurance policy

24. Doesn't mind treating me to something nice every now and again and especially on special days (birthdays & holidays...)

25. Generous but cautious in his spending

26. Knows how to creatively date me

27. Won't take me, my time or my "investments" for granted

28. Physically healthy and takes very good care of himself

29. Passionate about living

30. Welcomes his role of being the Head

If you want to check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you want to know just How "Magic" Lists Work

BET Awards... My Faves

As a music lover, I was in my element when I saw these 3 performances. I would have posted Marvin Sapp's performance but YouTube didn't have it. :(


Alicia Keys's Performance & Ode to the Girl Groups


Maxwell Reemerges to pay homage to Al Green


Al Green takes it to Chuuurch! "Love & Happiness"

Telling The Truth... Love List Thursdays

A few years ago, I had the privilege and experience to hear Alice Walker speak here at the Library. She spoke of the upcoming The Color Purple play, the book as well as her other works and poetry. The entire audience was enthralled. My best girlfriend DC came down here for the event and when we bought 2 books, The Color Purple and Temple of My Familiar that she autographed. When we were in line to have our books autographed DC asked her "How is it that you're able to tell your truth without inhibition?". I was thinking the same thing because with ease and with grace, Alice Walker spoke of molestation, of physical abuse, abortion and her family dysfunctions... Ms. Walker replied to us and everyone around us, "Because it is much too painful to tell a lie".

It's not easy to tell the truth. It's not easy to bare your soul and I'm not speaking of telling the truth to a loved one or someone close yet that is difficult as well, I'm speaking of peeling the layers and seeing, telling, reveling in your own truth.

A friend of mine is dealing with a woman who felt comfortable enough with him to tell her truth. She told him her story to put her cards on the table, to make all things clear so that they could grow together. After she finished her story, he left her and ended their involvement. Her truth was much too much for him to withstand. However, those are the breaks for revealing your truth to others. They may accept it and love you anyhow or they may break out because... the truth is heavy, the truth is real, the truth is sometimes just too much to deal with.

For the individual... the same actually applies. The truth is sometimes too much and so we choose not to deal. We pull the cover up over our heads, we sweep the truth under the rug and hope that it disappears. But the truth is ever-present even if you close your eyes to it. Sometimes the truth is miserable. Sometimes just holding it in will make you ill. Sometimes by letting it out you will hurt someone's feelings. You will have to reposition your life and release some things. Please know that the truth will liberate you from some burdens.

You may be nervous, afraid, anxious, depressed. You may not be every woman. You may not be on top of the world. You may think you're great and wonderful but you hide it from others and negative self-talk yourself. You may be inspired, angry, loving or motivated but when you reveal your truth to yourself through your experiences, you give validity to them and find the ability to right the wrongs, correct your mistakes and seek successes for your downfalls.

My everyday quest is to live life to the fullest and to be true to myself....

K's Love List

11. A man who I can trust and share my past, my failures and my joys with

12. A man who knows how to lead and isn't afraid to be the head

13. A man who shies away from asking a woman for money

14. A man who knows that I love Sex & The City, Friends, Girlfriends, The Food Network, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word, Ugly Betty, musicals, good books, good wine, yoga and leaves me alone when I want to indulge

15. A man who is comfortable enough with himself to share his innermost secrets

16. A man who is well-versed in literature, religion and politics

17. A man who shares my love of music, literature, social scenes, movies

18. A man who has a positive attitude about himself and about life in general

19. A man who I can physically and emotionally rely upon (if need be) - I want to be able to seek him first and not my daddy to fix things or my girlfriends for support...

20. A man who knows that I am an observer and a lover of beautiful things yet secure and knows that he's the only one that I want

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Blasts From The Past

The emergence of springtime for me is always marked by someone in my past coming back into my life. It happens every year... cycles.

Last year I restarted speaking to one of my coworkers who I used to date.

There was my college crush... this fine behind Chinese-Jamaican dude.

There was another guy who I had some unresolved, unexplored moments with.

And the last was one of my high school crushes.

This year I've bumped into Mr. Camacho as I posted last week. He was my junior high school boyfriend. Before him I bumped into and rekindled a friendship with another guy from my past. And last night I saw another one of my past loves, RG. He was someone I met when I was in high school. We were only together for a couple of months but our friendship lasted for about 3 years after we broke up. Time has not changed him much. He still looks 15 and he's still very much fit.

I wonder if there is going to be any more blasts or just these three. Last year was a doozy with my emotions and so far this year is going well. Somehow I know it has everything to do with me and my growth, how I'm handling the reappearance of these men in my life and not so much the fact that they are coming through.

I know that when experiences happen over and over it is because we are supposed to learn something from it. When we don't learn, we are bound to have repeat experiences. This year I'm not so much concerned with the why I'm seeing an old friend/boyfriend but with the what.

What am I to learn from them?

What am I to learn about myself?

However I know that even if nothing profound comes about, no great revelation or life changing occurrence... there is no such thing as coincidence. I think I'll take this cue to do some digging and further cleaning of my mental and now my emotional. Perhaps I'm holding onto some baggage. I can't imagine what right now but it's not far-fetched. Makes me think of that "reason, season, lifetime" email that used to circulate.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

© Copyright Brian A. Drew Chalker

I Must Check Myself

Father's Day

Lately I seem to be a day late... especially when it comes to the holidays. I don't know exactly why and at times there's just no making up.

For instance I forgot to wish my main on-the-job man a Happy Father's Day. This man has promised me that I would be one of my baby mothers and for some unknown reason it completely slipped my mind to give him special wishes on the day delegated to fathers. How could I allow that to happen?!?!

On a serious note, I consider him one of my friends and he's on my mind daily. I had every intention of sending him a text or give him a call but I just didn't scroll my phone down to his name when I was selecting men to wish a happy day to. Today I felt his wrath and I could tell he was upset with me or just a little hurt. I wish I could make it up but I guess I have to do better next year.

Then there's my Daddy. I didn't forget him at all. I just didn't get him anything.... yet.
My father already has everything. It is believed that it's difficult to shop for someone who already has everything but it really isn't. You just give them more of what they already have... My father is vacationing in Antigua this year so I'm getting him a gift card so he can do some shopping before he leaves.

I am so grateful for my father... for his being a father to me, for his love and dedication. I know of some fathers who don't parent after the marriage ends or in my parent's case, once they separate. But I'm grateful for an unbreakable bond with my dad. He's a 365 day father, unwavering, supporting, uplifting, and caring father.

2nd Saturday in June

I spent some much needed time with my godchild on Saturday. The last time I saw or spoke to him was the 2nd Saturday in June 2007. I usually don't have have the guilt mechanism but when it comes to that little boy... I wish I could give him the world and half of my bank account and everything else he could ask for.

My godson, Elijah, performs with a Brooklyn-based African cultural arts program and he plays the drums and dances Capoeira and Hip-Hop and he's so extraordinary. I love him so much and he never holds a grudge or gives me shade if he doesn't see me. He hugs me and holds my hand as if he sees me everyday and I know that has everything to do with his mother, my other sister-friend, KC.

I've known KC for almost 20 years now. We started out as friends but through the growing pains and a few rough patches, we meshed into a sisterhood. We don't talk but about 4 times a year and we usually stay on the phone for 3 hours a stretch but what we have is remarkable and I'm grateful for her and her son.


Being Intentional

I posted a few weeks ago about being intentional with words. But as I type, I'm thinking of being intentional with my actions. It is my desire to truly show the people in my life that I love them and adore them. I sincerely WANT to be more intentional in showing them my love and concern. I want to shout them out and let them know without a doubt that I appreciate them. And I know that I must follow through in my actions. I forgive myself for slipping up this past year but as I move forward, grow and learn, I will be more intentional in my thoughts, words and actions.

Random Words I Type

I am insomniac

With some people insomnia is a serious medical condition. But for me, it's a habit - a very bad habit. I think it started when I used to go to bed around 12 am after braiding hair. Now I don't GO to sleep until 2:30 am. I can FALL asleep anytime. For instance, yesterday I fell asleep at my desk. The thing is I'm always tired but my mind won't allow my body to rest. I need help, I know. I'm getting help, I promise.

Ped Egg

My mother is such a dear but the lady went and bought me the Ped Egg that is advertised all over TV and in catalogs. Is she trying to tell me sumthin' about my feets? LOL I love her for it though.

Past Love

Saturday, while it was hot like August in Texas, I was out and about and bumped in an old boyfriend. I haven't seen him for at least 17, 18 years but I recognized him and he recognized me, instantly. He told me that I was still beautiful and I appreciated that because my hot clothes were stuck to my body and my hair looked crazy. We exchanged phone numbers but I know that was in vain for a number of reasons. For one thing his name is Macho Camacho. I don't know what I was thinking then, but a name means plenty to me now. In high school I dated a guy named Val Valentine. ??? But seriously... my tastes in men has drastically changed since I was 13. Macho is cool and he's a cutie but that's where it ends.

Anger

I'm learning how to deal with my anger. I am easily angered, however I don't hold on to any negative emotion too long but what I'm learning and applying is detachment. I am allowing people, places, things to be just as they are without my control, input or opinion. I repeat the Serenity Prayer and keep it moving.

3 Words To Describe Me

Sensual

Non-Judgemental

Mysterious

LOVE

"And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2" -Alannis Morrisette, "Not The Doctor"

I reminiscence on the nineties when all of my friends were off getting married, getting pregnant and/or then getting married. We were young, early twenties, however me, D.C. and a few other friends steered clear of the trend... along with the fact that we didn't receive marriage proposals...

Well I had a sorta kinda marriage proposal. My ex's mother told me how the Lord showed her in dream that me and her son were married and so we should just go ahead on. I explained to her and her son that the Lord didn't reveal it to me. My answer was NO. It's not that I didn't love my ex but goodness, I wanted him to propose to me because he wanted to spend his life with me, not his Mama's false prophesying. We broke up months later and he married another woman 15 months after that.

I mentioned above that we steered clear of the trend and I say that because some of our friends married because they loved their significant others and wholeheartedly devoted themselves rather than following the pack. However a lot of them followed the pack, getting married because it was "the thing" to do and those marriages fell apart, including my ex's.

Marriage, while it is a societal norm - beneficial to society at large... a rite of passage if you will, It is not a decision that you jump into just because...

• Your Mama told you to
• All of your friends are doing it
• You slipped up and now you're pregnant
• You want the other person to change or stop nagging
• You need somebody to help you pay off your bills
• You're lonely
• To justify your love

I see and respect marriage as an institution and the support it offers the community, especially Black marriages that endure centuries, marriages that may reach the edge yet they don't fall off because of straightforward devotion.

On the other hand... I don't know if marriage is for me... mostly because I have not met one man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Now if you're a reader, then you know I'm in a committed relationship. So you may ask, K, how is that possible? Short answer... because we have problems that are not resolved and I do not know if I can accept them... ever.

And with that, I am beginning to post my Love List again. I first read this article in O Magazine back in February of this year and I started it initially, probably back in March (I haven't checked my archives) but I dropped it. I'm starting it again to document my true love desires. I vow to get to 100 this time. Here goes...

K's Love List

The Man I Desire Has Got To:

1. Love, honor and have a relationship with God
2. Love, respect and support the women in his life
3. Have a stable career
4. Manage his money responsibly
5. Love music
6. Be committed to uplifting the community
7. Be secure with himself... his success, his failures, his shortcomings
8. Want children or take care of the children he already has
9. Be mentally stable with a normal dose of psychosis (hey, we're all crazy at some point in our lives!)
10. Honest, open and expressive communicator

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

POST ONE HUNDRED

I wrote my first post on August 10, 2007 and exactly 10 months later I post my 100th.

This was not an easy feat, creating and availing my thoughts for others to see and comment on.

Yet I am so glad that I have created this web log of my thoughts, my lists, my words because I can reach back and view my thoughts, my growth and my vulnerable moments. Everyday that I want to daily log and chronicle new memories, it's here.

I reminiscence over my 10 month journey...

When I let my guard down to reveal my my softer side in Love Is Stronger Than Pride, Me & You and Dedicated to My Mom.

When I aspire and inquire to grow and learn more about Me, A New Me.

When I have to check my wandering eye and sometimes my wandering emotions and I realize I have something Bedda At Home.

Music Is My... lifeline while I'm at work. My relaxation on the traumatic train ride to work. My motivation while I'm cleaning the house and after I get up, read my bible and pray, I have to turn my gospel music on.

My fiction work... yes it's only fiction but it felt so good typing it, The Morning After.

Monday, June 9, 2008

HEATWAVE

I was not prepared for the heatwave that hit NYC on Saturday and continues to assail this city. Today is another hottie feeling like 100 degrees.

So glad that I....

• Stayed inside my office building where it's 58 degrees all year around (to preserve the books that are processed and cataloged here)


• Switched to anti-perspirant deodorant rather than the natural products I normally use

However I am still....

• Sweating profusely


• Checking & rechecking my arm pits

I wouldn't mind if I came home and the hydrant was on.... but then again I will mind because they simply don't stop and then they might try to wet me.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I was reading a post from a fellow blogger, Kay C, The Quietstorm, and I am reminded that relationships are not supposed to be hard... I could expound on this but I'll save it for another post...

I don't know when I started working harder on the weekends than I do during the week. Tonight I'm vowing to head to bed before 11 pm... Geez!

Now that it has suddenly transformed into summer - I know I had on a jacket just last week - I want to experience something fun and enlightening everyday.

Why is Hillary playing word games? Why did she say she is suspending and not conceding? Hmmm

Tonight is a perfect night to see the Sex And The City movie. Oh my! It starts at 6:20 pm. Guess I'm packing up now and heading to 42nd Street!!!

Where Does The Love Go?

I was watching an old episode of Sex and The City (I haven't seen the movie yet though) but it was an episode where Miranda had broken up with Steve and by happenstance, Miranda sees Steve again and the love she had... they had, suddenly returns.

Carrie posed the question:

"If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?"

I have had ONE ex that I love enough to be friends with. After we broke up and years after his first divorce we discussed (over the phone, not in person) getting back together. Fortunately I learned, grew and I knew that I wouldn't be the type of woman or wife he desired and vice versa. I loved him but not enough to go through with him again.

The same is not true of my nephew's mother. I love Ann like a sister but as "play" sisters we have had real sister issues so our love is a little estranged. However I admire her for taking care of and raising my nephew into a respectable young man. And I further admire her for the well of love she has for my brother.

My brother has been married to his high school sweetheart for the past 5 years. The found each other and wed 20 years after high school. 6 months into their marriage, he was ready to leave. He's filing for divorce as I type. Ann is divorced from her husband and her other son's father.

I love a great love story and it seems like one is brewing between these two again. I marvel at how Ann is so forgiving, so loving and it's as if there was never any wrong between them. She appears to have no bags, no scars, no unresolved issues. It could be the time apart or it could be the purest kind of love. I must know the formula she's using.... but then again, I'm not trying to link up with none of my exes. Bygones are bygones. They are exes for a multitude of reasons and not one of them are worthy.

I digress.

All in all, it's been about 10 years since my brother and Ann have attempted to work on a relationship. I don't know all of the details about their relationship but when they were first together, I know they were both very young. They have their differences and through time they felt as if they couldn't work through them. I'm sure they really wanted to be together when my nephew came along, nevertheless they have always been on one accord when it came to rearing him. I spoke to her the other night and she says, "K, I'm not going to let go this time. This time I'm not going to stop until I get my man back".

I have so much to say about Ann but I will say that she is one determined woman. She is very strong, very wise and she loves very hard. She has always been my brother's biggest cheerleader even arguing with me or my mother when we've had issues with him.

There's still the question of where does the love go? I'm not sure yet. I didn't ask her where did it go through the years. But if I had to assume, I would say that she poured that love into loving and caring for her sons. She sat with and nurtured that love as she devotes herself to God and developing a relationship with Him. She's been harvesting and cultivating that love because she knew that the man of her dreams is on his way into her life and she simply wants to be ready, willing and giving to him whenever he arrives...

The Other Woman - Know Your Role

As I've posted in the past, I've been the other woman. I am not proud of it. I don't wave "the other woman" flag. But I acknowledge the experience and chalk it up to a life lesson. Things happen when you are young and in search for love in all of the wrong places. Things happen when you're older in search for love in all of the wrong places. I am not an advocate for extramarital affairs. I have seen the ugly of cheating and I've felt the emptiness.

I have a co-worker who I truly feel for. She is the other woman and everybody at work knows it. I would love to hold her hand and let her know what being the other woman entails but her eyes and heart and not open to that just yet. I don't judge her because I was once her.... well I never slept with a subordinate but I've had a love affair on the job that didn't work out and I see him everyday... and I said too darn much! In any case... here are the rules...

Rules For Being The Other Woman

You will never be first... he has a wife or girlfriend, perhaps a child, or plural, children. Accept that you're a jump off, a good lay, a distraction and move on.

You will never spend Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Year's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day or his birthday with him. You might see him for snippets of a moment but sun up to sundown, nope and his phone is liable to be turned off too so no texts to read.

You're not his woman so expect him to check out other women... that's right, he's most likely on the prowl - he's got his wife/girlfriend, you and a third or fourth woman.

If you get pregnant, expect to go through it alone... sex, any kind of way he wants it, maybe some conversation, a little understanding, no nagging and no babies - children are hardly part of the deal. Unprotected sex doesn't just happen and unplanned pregnancies can be avoided. It's wise to protect yourself from diseases and unnecessary heartache.

Expect to be chased and dropped... if he's on the hunt, you are or will be his prey and after he's done with ya, he's gonna drop ya and move on the next victim.

Love is not an excuse for an affair... if you love him, I hope you love yourself even more. Love yourself enough to be faithful to your own husband/boyfriend (if you have one) and love him enough to encourage him to remain faithful to his significant other.

** Turn Offs * Turn Ons **

I have a high tolerance for pain. And when I say that I mean that I'm thick skinned when it comes to comments someone may make about me and anything in general. I can take a smart remark, an unjustified statement and even an insult. But even those with high tolerance have a limit and I have my limits.

I love the book series "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", especially the book particularly for women. It's focus is to help women not to take life so seriously but to allow stressful situations and experiences to wane while you center yourself or concentrate on the "bigger picture".

However, something must be done after I've swept the small stuff under the rug a number of times and the crap is simply piling up! It's a good thing I like to clean and I don't mind scrubbing to reveal a shine. I especially loooooove cleaning my "emotional" house and purging the crappy people...

Ok, ok, ok, so some dude done got up under my skin and he's turned me off in a major way. The red flags were there from our first conversation but I didn't see it. When someone mentions "baggage" in a relationship, I think people naturally think it's a woman with her backpack on but this dude was wounded when I met him and every conversation that we have had in a 2 week period let's me know he's in need of a healing. I feel for him, I do. Apparently I'm going to have to feel for him from a distance because I've had all that I can stand and I can't stands no more!

So here's my list of some of turn offs and my turn ons... Unfortunately new turn ons are not added daily, however turn offs? A new one is added everyday.

Turn Offs

*High maintenance... pretty dudes, looking in the mirror, hair brushing like Joe Torry in Poetic Justice dudes, got time for nail (finger & toe) appointments but can't keep dates...

*Making arrogant assumptions... or stereotypes. "See you're the type of woman..." comments.

*Rude behavior... especially out in public and for no reason should a man be looking at another woman's behind while I'm around. He is free to look when he's alone or with other dudes but he better have some respect around me!

*Bragging about a salary... let me see how a man manages his dough. That's proof that he's stable and responsible.

*Talking about sex... I say don't talk about it at all. When the time comes, be about it! And then let me be the one to tell you how good it is or where you need improvements.

*Questioning me like dude's conducting an interview... all questions will be answered in time. Instead a dude who does this comes across as pushy and just plain ole nosey - turn off!

Turn Ons

*A man who has a relationship with God... could be Jehovah or Allah but a spiritual connection and devotion.

*

*A take charge man... pays the bill for the first date, opens doors and allows the woman to go through first.

*A man who holds his own... cooks his own meals, pays his own bills (in his own name), successful in his own right, and he must a loving relationship with his family, especially his female relatives.

*A man with the gift of gab... reasonable flirtatiousness but knows just what to say to get the juices flowing, making you feel like his center and the only woman who holds his attention.

*A man who can dance... I think that one speaks for itself...

*A man with intellect and a great sense of humor... if I'm not laughing or smiling, there is definitely a problem. He doesn't have to have a PhD but a man who reads, who studies and has interests other than sports, liquor, cars & women...

*A man who listens as much as he speaks... this one speaks for itself as well - I mean who wants a loud mouth man who barely listens to anyone, including himself!

*A man who isn't afraid to communicate... whether it be his dislikes or his emotions. A man who is comfortable and confident enough to convey how he really feels is simply striking! Ok, if he's to shy to say, write it - just get the message out and send it on to me....

***Earn My Affections ~ Amel Larrieux

It's A Love Song Kind of a Day

So I'm listening to Pandora while I am busting out my work and I couldn't be prouder of myself because I'm finally making a dent in the pile on my desk when I realize that Pandora is playing only love songs.

Even on my OutKast station, which played "I'll Call Before I Come" (an exception) and "The Way You Move" before I shuffled around. Every station that I have from Alanis Morrisette to Raphael Saadiq - sappy, sappy, sappy.

Truth is, I'm a love song kinda girl. I just want something hardcore in my ears. Something rough, something raucous, something to take away the bad feeling I have been feeling all day. The bad feeling that I simply cannot pinpoint. It could be the murky weather, the fact that I was late in to work (later than usual), it could be the gray and black that I have on... whatever it is, I just want some stimulating music to bash it all out.

Stimulating music to cause me to dance in my seat not provoke eye water... but then it hit me... how about I not get frustrated with the games that Pandora.com is playing, maybe I should go with the flow? And if that means that they play a song like Musiq (Soulchild's) "Love", Mario's "Let Me Love You", BBD's "When Will I See You Smile Again", Missy's "Crazy Feelings", Jill Scott's "Is It The Way" or "Lifetime" by Maxwell, then so be it and I'll let the tears fall if they come.

Monday, June 2, 2008

i'm in a bad place right now...

it's warm outside. the weather is so very pleasant AND i'm bored at work!

i could be out!...

pounding the pavement

drinking a coffee milky concoction topped with whipped cream

drinking iced thai tea

drinking iced mint tea

strolling through the bronx zoo

strolling through the botanical garden

sitting in bryant park sipping on a highly addictive smoothie, barefoot

bike riding in central park

free yoga classes, free knitting classes, free poetry readings, free concerts, free classic movies

buying burning oil and incense at stick, stone and bone

quick getaway on the circle line

bowling at chelsea piers

sipping on a beverage at south street seaport

holding hands and smooching at the east river

relaxing in washington square park

it's about that time that i put in for vacation...