Let it Flow

Let it flow... life... the stress... the forgiveness... the healing.

I am not well. I am not rested. My body hurts, my mind hurts. My thoughts are no longer conveyed as fluidly as I'd like them to be. I'm a better writer than a talker right now... :(

I love to talk so it's annoying me.

I'm breathing out... frustration, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and insignificance.

And I'm breathing in... serenity, hope, trust, patience, acceptance, significance, peace, optimism, courage, understanding, adequacy, positive energy, and appreciation.

I'm treading through this season. I'm looking up. I'm looking within. And as Monique reminded me... "This Too Shall Pass".

Blue Funk

I’ve been in a blue mood lately. I was thinking it was because of my lack of finances. I’m making sacrifices right now for the greater good in my life and I’m missing the splurge money I used to have in order to pick up anything I want at whim.

Then I was thinking it was because of my insomnia. Last night I thought I was going to kung fu my sleeplessness so I took a long hot bath, burnt some oil, Exotic from The Body Shop, I put on my sleep CD and replayed it 3 times while I laid in bed. I rubbed myself, I rocked myself, counted my breaths and finally I had my way with myself (if you know what I mean) and nada! I don’t know when I fell asleep but I do know it wasn’t soothing at all. I usually have no problem sleeping. Sleeping is more than a need for me, it’s an addiction but lately sleep has not been my friend and I’ve been moody because of it.

Actually moody is an understatement. I’ve been rude, nasty and every so often, just vicious. Since sleep is my favorite pastime I know from reading about it, lack of sleep sometimes increases or decreases sex drive, increases or decreases appetite, brings about slurred and/or nonsensical speech, can result in colds and memory loss, and causes irritability.

I usually combat the blue moods by being grateful, thankful for what I do have like a closet full of clothes and shoes, handbags, all things I need and even excess. Yet I can’t shake the blueness.

I’m thankful for my peeps. My homie/co-worker bought me a journal (she knows how I love stationery) and it’s so pretty – a light pink and dark blue number – I love it! I think of all the poems, short stories and blurbs I’ll write in it but I’m still blue.

I’m thankful for the holiday off and the 35 hours following that I’ll be on leave from work where I plan to meet this blue mood head on and destroy it right through its nucleus. Yet I’m finding it hard to shake and spiral higher from this blueness.

I’m blue to the point where I want to throw myself on my mattress and wail, but even while sitting here in front of this pc, I know the tears just won’t flow the way I want them to – full and heavy, wetting up my face, bringing snot to my nose, clogging my ears, soaking my pillow, causing a huge headache and invoking sleep.

So I’m blue and I type.

I’m blue and I just want to run to and lay across my mother’s lap and have her stroke my hair, telling me baby, “it’s gonna be all right” while I fall asleep. I’m blue and I just want to drink to the bottom of a good bottle of red wine until I succumb to deep slumber. I’m blue and I desire someone kneading my shoulders and feets until the knots retreat and I blend into a mattress and sail off to lala land. But nope I’m awake and I’m blue.

And so I turn to music…

Who better to keep me company and bring heaviness to my lids than Mistress Soul Singer… Anita Baker? Except that I’m wide awoke listening to Rapture, Songstress, Giving You the Best That I Got and Compositions, swaying to the music but not sleepy. Now I really want to cry.

I know my neighbors hear me as I sing Angel… “If I could I’d give you the world / Wrap it all around you / Won’t be satisfied with just a piece of this heart / My angel / Oh, angel…”

*awake and still blue*

When ‘Nita sings Giving You The Best That I Got, I belt right along with her… “I'm giving you the best that I got, babeeeeee / I bet everything on my wedding ring / I-I-I’m giving it to you baby”...

*awake and i sigh*

My blue mood is still in tact but I'm feeling heavy lidded with a little Sweet Love “With all my heart I love you, baby / Stay with me and you will see / My arms will hold you, baby / Never leave, 'cause I believe / I’m in love, sweet love / Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame / I'm in love, sweet love / Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way"

I croon with Anita through Good Love, Same Ole Love, Lead Me Into Love, Been So Long, Talk To Me and Whatever It Takes. Now Just Because comes on and my lids feel a little gritty, like my friend, sleep, has come back to link up, connect and Bring Me Joy… "You brimg me joy / When I'm down / Oh, so much joy / When I lose my way Your love comes smiling on me…"

Goodnight folks & may you all have a wonderfully safe and enjoyful Labor Day! Enjoy every barbecue, every party, every carnival...

Rest easy..... K

* Artwork "Lilies for Indigo" by Lashun Beal

Love Itself..... Love List Thursdays

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."--St. Augustine

The other day my mother bumped into one of her old girlfriends and my old baby sitter, V. She told V I was still living in her old apartment and she could come see me whenever she felt like... if I was home. V is like a mother/aunt to me, since she baby sat me for about 5 years. I love V, I mean really and I can't stress it enough. She's close enough to me like a mother, but also like a friend. She was the first I told when I first experienced intercourse. I ran to her when I was 18 and helplessly in love and my mother couldn't understand why I was possessed. V is one of the most loving and caring women in my life.


She has always been sensual and vivacious. When my mom used to host house parties, V was the life of the party with her signature black tube dresses and her long, thick, wavy hair combed to one side, falling over her left shoulder.

V’s favorite color was black. Everything in her house... the tile on the floor, curtains, table, and all of her furniture & appliances was black. At Christmas, though, she always had a silver tree. One year she decided to paint a big black bold V on her wall.

I remember raiding V’s closet for my favorite pair of shoes that belonged to her. She had these black kitten heels with feathers across the toes that I loved to slip on my feet and parade around her house, although they were too big for me.

V used to smoke More cigarettes with the brown paper, which were long and elegant – which probably lead me to smoking Clove cigarettes because of the dark paper and the elegant look to them but it was also the clove smell appealed to me.

My mother told me once that V was every man’s dream. She explained that V was the type of woman who woke up earlier than her man, cooked his breakfast, ironed his clothes, ran his bath, put his slippers right by his side of the bed and would even put his toothpaste on his toothbrush. I tried that once and all that catering and pampering gets tired real quick.

Last week Thursday, shortly after coming home from work, I heard V in the hallway of my building before she even rang my bell, “K, are you in there with those big pretty legs?”. (For the record, my legs are huge, not big) I opened my door and there was V, 61 years old and still as beautiful as she was 30 years ago when I first met her. Her hair, though still long and wavy has thinned and grayed with age. She’s still curvy and she still has a smile like sunshine. Accompanying V was her fiancé, 46 year-old Romeo.

At 61, V has never been married though she has her share of past romances. I invited V and her fiancé in and pretended to grill him to make sure he was really into my auntie and not just stringing her along. He left shortly after meeting to wait in his car and me and V had a little chit chat about love.

She explained to me how she met Romeo also known as Mega Man (a nickname she gave him and I see she is still every man’s dream, making this man feel Mega). She asked me about getting married and I danced around the issue until she interrupted me and said...
"K, make sure you are equally yoked with your man. Sure it’s good if you both have the same beliefs in a higher power but even if you don’t make sure you have the same beliefs in a good life, finances, physical health, family, respect and love. Remember marriage is forever so take all the time you need."

At one point my family constantly got on me about getting married before I got too old and I told V about my father’s comment in particular. He told me to get married, if it doesn’t work, then get divorced – as if it’s that simple. She laughed then and told me that my father was just joking but this time V said, "and don’t listen to your father either, marriage is simple and yet not so simple. It’s worth it if you are committed to the right person."

Finally I asked V, who has had her share of heartbreak, why isn’t she bitter. She told me plainly and yet I’m paraphrasing a little, "K, I love love. I love all it contains, the feelings, the smell of it, the joy it brings. Love is why I exist. Love is who I am. I can’t help but love, fall in love, and try love again and again and again. Love wakes me up each morning, tucks me in at night. Love is like the sun rays upon my skin and it's in everything I do - the food I cook, the way I walk and talk. I believe in love. I just can't help myself."

K's Love List

91. Gently tells me when I'm wrong and knows just how to criticize me without being too critical
92. Entertains my wild side - like Dwele sings in his song "I'm Cheatin'"
93. Knows that I prefer lilies and daisies over roses
94. Works hard to get rid of his baggage just as I work to get rid of mine
95. Expects me to be his woman, his life partner but not his replacement mama or maid

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...


If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Dreaming... the interpretation

Apartment/House
To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. A house can represent security, comfort, protection, familiarity, or belonging.

Bed/ Bedroom
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality; your romantic relationship, especially communication and emotional intimacy within a relationship; your inner thoughts or relationship within yourself; security and safety, especially emotional. To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of your self that you keep private.

Gifts
To dream that you receive a gift indicates that you are being rewarded and recognized for your generosity and giving nature. You are held in high esteem by those around you.
To see a pile of gifts, symbolizes unutilized or unrecognized skills and talents.
Receiving a gift can mean that you'd like for this to happen in real life, or that you're feeling fortunate in your life right now, or that someone has actually been generous to you, or you expect them to be.

Food
To see food in your dream represents physical and emotional nourishment and energies.

Kiss
To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. Emotional intimacy (emotional trust and openness), interaction, or a feeling of closeness with someone. A replay of when you felt close to someone. Liking the person or wanting to know them better—and not necessarily romantically!

Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. A calm pool can represent peace, relaxation, or a feeling of luxury.

Picture
To see a picture in your dream, symbolizes a mental imprint that remains persistent in your mind. Pictures indicate memories, or the way you remember an event (which may or may not be the way it actually happened). The idea of a mock-up or fake version of what's in the photo (rather than the real thing).

Staircase
To see spiral or winding stairs, signify growth and/or rebirth.

Cake
To see a cake in your dream, indicates that you need to learn to share and allocate your workload instead of trying to do everything yourself. Cakes also symbolize selfishness or the feeling of not getting your fair share. More positively, the dream may represent your accomplishments and achievements. Consider also the metaphor a "piece of cake" or some situation that is easy. Seeing a cake can mean a special event, fun or happiness, or "sweet times." Dreaming that you are eating cake can also mean that you are actually hungry or craving sweets.

I woke up smiling from this dream, which I think is good since I wake up from most dreams sucking my teeth and upset that I dreamt them. All in all, I think this was a good dream, more so about me and my growth than a potential love affair with a sweet sounding, nice looking Dread with a funky house, a love of chocolate and caramel who adores me enough to place a picture/mural of me and him on the wall of his house.

Dreaming...

Me and The Dread
*I hope no one with locks will find this offensive. I call most Jamaicans with locks or dreadlocks, Dreads.

This dream is very much unlike the dream I had recently where Nas was a gun toting hustler who was the least bit interested in me – I couldn’t understand it knowing that he is my man along with Andre Benjamin, Michael Jai White and Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson.

However this dream didn’t include any of my celebrity hunnies. I was in a relationship or involvement with a Dread. I didn’t know his name but he was definitely a beautiful man with long dreads. I don’t know how we met, how we became involved, we just were. We were in my apartment, which was supposed to be his house. I was sitting on the bed in my bedroom with clothes and gifts all around me. Apparently they were gifts from him to me. I was smiling and laughing, he was talking and I couldn’t understand a word he said in his accent but I did understand him as he said "You’re my woman. Do you know what that means?" I said yes but he went on to explain that me being his woman means that he is the man, he will take care of me and I will take care of him.

CHANGE

I had come in from work or wherever and it was hot so I was sweating a little. I bought some food in with me in a white take-out bag. He grabbed me up in this passionate embrace and began kissing me. It was a really good kiss and I asked him if he ate spaghetti and meat sauce. He said yes but I didn’t believe him. I don’t know why I had the spaghetti and meat sauce because I don’t eat meat and I’m guessing that the dread didn’t either but I think he said yes because he wasn’t interested in the food. We were kissing near a spiral staircase in his house and he said how about we not eat (this time in perfect English), how about we take a dip in the pool. A loudly squealed “We have a pool?” I then looked behind him and there was this huge picture of me and him on the wall like a mural and I thought to myself – K this dude really likes you… I ran into my bedroom to look out of the window and sure enough there was this huge pool, clear and blue, in the backyard.

CHANGE

I baked a cake for the Dread. The cake was shaped like a big ole Hershey’s Kiss, caramel and chocolate flavored. I was slicing off pieces of the cake and I offered him the slices but he kept telling me no, no, no to each small slice. When the cake was even, he told me to cut it in half, one half would be for me, one half would be for him. Then I woke up.

Throughout the dream and being with him, I knew and felt that I had a boyfriend. As in reality, I don’t see my guy during the weekend mostly but during the weekend and I was with this Dread during the week but the weekend was coming and he was demanding my time. I kept thinking what lie am I going to tell my guy to be able to spend time with the Dread and then right before I woke up, I had the idea of just breaking up with my guy - ending our relationship.

I italicized some of the words that were significant to me in the dream...
My apartment... his house
The bed... the bedroom
The gifts
The food... the kiss... the staircase... the picture... the pool
The cake

Remembering

7 years ago I was battling a severe case of whatever it is I come down with when I leave the Caribbean and Mexico. It started as I was leaving the cruise ship. I couldn't hold down food, the toilet bowl was my best friend.

I came home early on Saturday, August 24th and slept through the night. I woke up early in the morning and looked down at my thighs and noticed they were considerably smaller. I decided to step on my scale to satisfy my mind's query. Sure enough I lost 10 pounds overnight. Never before nor after have I been able to manage that feat.

I laid back down because whatever it was had taken hold of me again. I awoke to the phone ringing. I answered. My friend, Mickey, was crying. Are you listening to the radio, K? Did you hear about her? Aaliyah is dead.

I am a skeptic. I believe NOTHING until I see the proof for myself. Far too often we hear rumors about someone passing when they are actually alive and well. I am upset that the media killed Bernie Mac off a week before he actually passed away. Makes me wanna believe that all of the gossip powers were able to take him out, yet I know it's not that simple.

I hung up with Mickey, explaining to her that I was under the weather. I turned the radio on and they were playing Aaliyah songs. That meant nothing. I listened some more until the radio DJ mentioned that Aaliyah Haughton had passed away in a plane crash. Now I understood Mickey's tears. Though she is emotional and has a tendency of falling in love and carrying on relationships with celebrities (she was the one in a relationship with Jay-Z), she was crying for me. I had just arrived from a trip overseas and it was my first time flying. Everyone including my mother was nervous about me flying, except me. For Mickey, Aaliyah's death could have easily been mine.

Today marks the 7th anniversary of Aaliyah's death. I am not one for observing death dates, I prefer to observe their birth dates, yet I can't help but remember how fortunate I felt that day, how sad I was and though Aaliyah was not an off the meter pop singer, I love her music and I miss her.

"I Don't Wanna"

Life Lessons I Wish I Learned From My Daddy

My daddy was the biggest man in my life for the longest of time. He has this big voice, big laugh and even now he's still kinda tall. When I was younger he'd pick me up and place me on his shoulders like the time we went to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. My father worked evenings and nights but he was the one who walked me to school every morning. My father gave me an allowance every week, which I was to save, and then he'd give me spending money. When my daddy realized how I loved chocolate, he would keep a stash in his night table drawer to settle my Friday night munchies. He could have waited to give me treats when he came in at 12:35 AM but knew I'd be in bed, fast asleep, by the time Arsenio went off.

Yet when it came to matters of the heart, there was a void. My father was an excellent provider. Whatever we needed and a lot of whatever we wanted, he supplied. When I was 18, my mother was afraid that I was going to elope with my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend talked about it, I often dreamt about it - buying bridal magazines and fantasizing about my dream wedding. My mom begged and cried for my father to talk to me. We had a very simple conversation. Though I can't remember verbatim, it went a little sumthin' like this :

Daddy: Your mother tells me you have a boyfriend.

Me: Yes Daddy, I do. I would like for you to meet him some day.

Daddy: Ok darlin'. Your mother is afraid because you're spending too much time with him. She feels like you're disrespecting her. You're not going to run off and marry him, are you?

Me: (Sucking my teeth) Mommy really doesn't understand me. No Daddy I am not going to run off and marry him.

Daddy: I told her that I knew my child. I told your mother not to worry.

Now I can see how my mother probably wanted him to say and do more. My parents never complimented their children on their physical appearances. My mother says that she felt that complimenting us would go to our heads. Yet after heartaches and heartbreaks.... after years of feeling unpretty.... learning life lessons the hard way... I wish there were things that my daddy told and taught me...

* I wish my father told me over and over again that I was beautiful, significant, special, talented, exceptional, intelligent, awesome, brilliant, confident, phenomenal – that he was proud of me

* I wish my father told me to never settle for less than what I deserve

* I wish my father told me that a boy or a man does not give anything to a woman unless he expects something in return.

* I wish my father told me that if a man wants you, he’ll wait for you… I wish he taught me to value my body and the value in waiting for the right man.

* I wish my father told me that it was okay to feel fearful, hurt or rejected because something or someone better is to come. I wish he wiped my heartbroken tears.

* I wish my father told me to never act less than who I am.

* I wish my father taught me how to spot a good man and how to know when I’m getting played.

* I wish my father taught me that abuse is not the norm and I should never allow a man to put his hands on me.

* I wish my father taught me how a woman is supposed to be treated.

However I am grateful for lessons my father did teach me. My father insisted that I get my education and not just good but great grades. My father taught me how to be frugal and to save a part of my salary every pay day. I do not blame my father for the lessons he never taught me. I know he just didn’t know what to say or how to say them. He loved me the best way he knew how.

I am grateful for my spiritual father, God the Father, for loving and blessing his girl/woman child. God has truly filled the gaps in my life that neither my father nor any other man has ever been able to fill. I think John 4: 1-26 when Jesus met the woman at the well and how Jesus told her that he could provide water where she would never thirst again. The woman came to the well with an empty pot and after she spoke with Jesus, she left her pot right there. She no longer needed it. That’s what God has done for me. He has satisfied my thirsts for things that never satisfied me anyway – I call them false fillers. He loves me so much that I don’t bring emptiness to any relationship. I am so full of love, I am overflowing with it and have so much to share.

I am grateful for JT, my on the job hunny, for constantly complimenting me, for being my friend, for schooling me on dudes and the bull they try and sometimes succeed in pulling. I love JT because he values women - his mother, his sister, his ex-wife, his daughter. If you act like a ho, he treats you like a ho but when you act like a lady, he metaphorically and sometimes literally kisses your hands and your feet.

I am grateful for Rone, a past love, for telling me that if a man moves me out of my father’s home, he better be able to provide for me the same or provide better amenities than my father has. While we dated, I never paid for one date, he always paid it all. He bought food for my home. He picked me up from work, church and grad school. He gave me space to hang out with my girlfriends and he would often treat me and my girls when we went out. He was good to my mother and cool with my father.

I am grateful for FP, another on-the-job hunny and his old fashioned ways. For always walking on the “outside”, for opening doors and for knowing the value of good chocolate.

And I am grateful for my guy, MB. I knew MB for years before we became involved but on the night we began he told me how precious I was inside and out. He told me to value my body and to not give it away. I thank him for loving every dimple, roll, curve - every portion of my body. He still loves me and desires me physically. MB is my closest friend, my confidante and my protector. He still looks at me in a lusty kind of way when he thinks I’m not looking… well that is when he looks at me.

I am grateful for my exes, for teaching me lessons that I never want to experience again.

K’s Love List

86. Has mastered the art of massage or is willing to learn how to give a great back, foot, scalp, shoulder, whole dang body rub!
87. Writes or likes poetry and doesn’t mind reciting it in my ears whether I’m awake or asleep
88. Knows it is his duty to make me feel protected and cared for – physically, financially, emotionally
89. Enjoys and knows the benefits of eating aphrodisiac foods...
90. Likes going horseback riding and taking classes at Our Name is Mud


If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Random Words I Type

Nothing new is going on in my life but I wanted to post... on nothing in particular.

I always talk about my sister-friend DC. Though I never go into details about her... she's a psycho. While she is not mentally stable, she is my best friend. I have to keep her close because she knows way too much and if she started talking I'd have to kill her.
One of the things DC does when she's trying to reach me is instead of her leaving a detailed message, she doesn't leave a message at all. She literally calls back to back to back until she's exhausted. No, she's not thinking that I am dead or injured. She just has to call me numerous times until she gets me. I hate that. She comes off as a scorned lover and everybody I know thinks that she is or was my lover at some point in our friendship. My guy, my ex-guys, my friends, my mom, everybody. On any given day, she'll call me repeatedly about 10 times before she stops.
Today though her mother is trying to reach me. I see where she gets this psychosis from. Her mother won't call and leave a message until around the 8th call. I sat at my desk, chit chatting with CB today and she witnessed the phone ringing. I just checked my cell - 9 missed calls and no message.

~~~*~~~

I went to the beach on Saturday and my feet got tanned. Only my feet. As much as I like tanning because I love dark skin, my feet look crispy. I hope I'm not offending anyone. I think I need more lotion or baby oil and some socks. I'm not liking this tanned feet look a'tall.

I have been watching the 2008 Olympics and feeling like I can relive my high school volleyball days so me and my guy bought a net and a ball. We played against each other because we have no friends - no couple friends anyway. For the past 3 days I have been nursing the biggest bruise on my forearm from that plastic damn ball. I enjoyed myself and I played a good game but I am no Kerri Walsh or Misty May-Treanor.

~~~*~~~

I want to write self-help books. Yes I think I can help people especially the people who seem to cause me the most grief. This is really funny because I am reading Birth Order books and it says that only child personalities should not write self-help books because they never grew up with siblings. I'm not really an only child but due to the space between me and my brother's birth, technically we're both onlies. Plus I have 2 older siblings that my dad created before meeting my Mom. I should post about my family craziness. Or maybe not.

In any case, I want to write 2 books - What Not To Do in Relationships and How To Leave Messages for People You're Trying to Reach. As you can see, I'm only joking with this. As much as I love to write, it's hard as heck trying to put together a book.

Here is a short view of what I'd put into What Not To Do in Relationships
* Do not tell the person you are in the relationship with that you love them until 364 days after you meet them. If you tell them after the 1st date, they might lose their mind and either leave you or want you to move in right away.
* Do not rush into anything. Go very slow. Snail's pace is best for your pockets and your state of mind.
* Do not make a commitment within the 1st 6 months of the relationship. This way you'll see the potential for their true craziness because they have been pretending sanity for the first 6 months.
* Do not leave the bathroom door open. That's right, if you want a lasting relationship, when they have to sit on the toilet, tell them to close the damned door!
* Do not expect for them to have it all together just because they holla at you. It is wise to leave 3 to 6 months open in the beginning of the relationship for them to end the booty calls, the ex-girlfriends that just didn't get it or for the divorce to finalize. As you can guess, I'll be writing from my personal experiences.

Here is a short view of what I'd put into How To Leave Messages for People You're Trying to Reach
* Leave a detailed message with your name, your topic of discussion and that's it!!!! Do not just say "Hey K, call me back" - I HATE THAT! People, I don't like to talk on the phone and I don't want to call you back!!! What's the purpose of leaving a message? Plus I can't stand checking messages. So by leaving a detailed message, that alleviates me having to talk to a real person... See I don't have anything else to put into this book. Maybe I should just leave that as my voicemail message and answering machine message.

~~~*~~~

I told my guy that I wanted us to go to couple's therapy. He looked at me like I was crazy but the truth is I just want the therapist to tell him that he's crazy and tell me I should leave his crazy azz!

~~~*~~~

There's this guy at work who I used to date years ago. He once left the job and I was ecstatic because that allowed me some time to get over him, but then we kept in touch but at least I didn't have to see him everyday. He came back to the job and for 3 years I ignored him and almost forgot about our dating days. Long story not too long... he's married now but his nose is still wide open for some K. For the past year we've been speaking again and he's been crazy jealous over my on-the-job hunnies - even the ones I don't claim. I used to think it was cute but I now I want to shout at him "Why the hell did you marry her then?!!!". I guess it's a man thing because I know he doesn't really want me (just wants to sex me) yet he doesn't want anyone else to want me (have sex with me).

~~~*~~~

I went to the DC37 union website today to see if there is any news of a salary increase. NOPE. I really don't like being a union worker. Raises that come every 2 to 3 years sucks. They are reorganizing this whole establishment but they ain't talking money. It's been 2 years since we had a 2% raise. I'm heated. The only good thing I have to look forward to is the retro check once the raise comes through. That is... if I'm still employed here....

My O Thang

I recently read the book “A Piece of Cake”. It’s a startling memoir by Cupcake Brown. She lived a gritty life as a youngster only to blossom as an attorney and a motivational speaker. After reading the book, I visited her website where she has a blog and this is my spin off of one of her posts. Actually I used to do this as journal writings when I was in grad school. I would take a letter say A and then find words that matched my great and wonderful qualities like awesome, ambitious. Yeah – grad school for Information and Library Science wasn’t one of the most stimulating studies.

Well here’s my spin with the letter O.....

I know I need to organize before things become really busy and I lose myself.

I want to create some order in my life while there is still peace.

I strongly desire oneness in my relationship, oneness in my intentions that will follow-through in my actions.

Most of all, I know I need to be optimistic in all things.

I would like to open myself to my friends (especially those who uplift and empower me) finding new friends and attending inspiring events.

I would like to look for new opportunities to enhance my career – that’s a must! I'm getting bored where I am and this makes my 11th year in this place!

I would to like to overhaul to my apartment with some new paint, a few pieces of new furniture – feng shui the place but I’m trying to create order with my finances and pay off my one big ole nasty credit card and that should be finished by November.

My supervisor is a little funky and I’m thinking it’s because I’m a little too social. I can’t help it, I love to chitchat and talk smack and I have quite a few chums in the building and it bothers her but I have to overlook that. Plus I bust out my work so she really tries not to complain but I can sense the tension.

My new aim is to observe more and speak less. I talk toooooo much.

One of my favorite O words... orgasm... even Dr. Phil said it's a necessity so there, that's a solid need.

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

I am a very moody, emotional person and sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot to get me from happy to fight mode. But I’m learning how to channel my moods, not to give in to my emotions and to find something, an anchor, for which to hold.

Most times I grab the Bible and a concordance so I can locate just what I’m feeling and read a scripture to speak to me right where I need it. Sometimes I will grab the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women” by Kristine Carlson. The "Don’t Sweats" are a widely circulated book series. In this book, Kristine Carlson offers advice to women for the little things that we do that rob us of experiencing the larger experience, seeing the bigger picture.

A few of my favorites…

Don’t Sweat says: Low Moods Are Only Temporary
My Spin: Unless I give them 2 legs, 2 arms and a mouth to mouth off – low moods do not have to turn into anything more than temporary. I don’t like to stay low for long – I will reach for a book, the phone or the stereo for some music to bust me out of my funk. I’m all for riding through my feelings but definitely not for staying in the bad feelings zone for long.

Don’t Sweat says: When All Else Fails, Laugh
My spin: I thought about this the other night while watching Wipe Out – that crazy Japanese inspired reality show where the contestants to go through the most absurd obstacle courses that are designed for them all to fall on their faces, splash in mud or water – it’s hilarious. If you get a kick out of seeing people fall like I do, this is definitely a show that can get you out of a bad mood.

Don’t Sweat says: Plan an Inspiration Flow Day
My Spin: Imagine a day where you do nothing but the things that inspire you. You don’t go to work, you don’t have to answer to your partner or spouse, you don’t have to come up with the ultimate excuse for your boss, you just get up and go, sleep all day, take a class, go to a movie, bathe, don’t bathe – whatever – as long as you are inspired and rejuvenated. I don’t do this half as much as I would like to but one of these days, soon and very soon, I am definitely I am going to plan a day just for inspiration. Then I can return to the humdrum of the everyday the next day or another day but just not on my inspiration flow day.

Don’t Sweat says: Speak From Your Love – Listen From Your Love
My Spin: These are 2 separate entries in the book but the context is the same. When speaking and listening to my friends and loved ones I must squash the inner nag, the inner therapist who is always insightful and correct – sometimes I have to speak and listen not from the part of me that is annoyed or triggered by what the person has just said but from my heart. I must imagine feeling what the other person is feeling and speak to that person as I were speaking to heal, nurture, inspire, my own self.

*Image: "Feeling Free" by LaShun Beal

Lessons I'm Learning... Love List Thursdays

I’m learning that trusting in relationships is so complicated. I have always demanded trust. Complete and total trust - I won’t settle for anything less! I want to fully trust a person with my heart, my feelings, my love and I want that trust reciprocated.

But I know that I must be realistic. I know that someone is going to do and say things that hurt me at some time. I can pray it won’t happen, hope it won’t happen, will it to never happen, but the reality is it is inevitable.

I remember a time when I trusted fully. It was a long, long time ago but I used to trust 100% until a person wronged me. Then the brokenness created would chip away at the trust. Oh but now… everybody starts off with ZERO and trust is earned. I learned that trust should only be given to someone who is worthy.

Worthiness… that’s the key.

Trusting is never easy. It is not easy to accept that a person may hurt you. It is downright hard to accept that the person you love DID hurt you, or is hurting you - possibly damaging the relationship that took years to build, yet you keep your love open and allow yourself room and reasoning to resolve whatever conflict exists so that you may get over hurdles and continue to grow and nurture your love.

I’ve been hurt… plenty. I’ve been in relationships where trust was destroyed and completely died. Yet in my current relationship, I’m experiencing some things… learning some lessons, where in the past I would have called it quits and forgotten that the relationship had any weight to it at all. I’m learning that even though I’m a perfectionist, I’m not perfect and even though I want my mate to be perfect in every sense of the definition, that’s not likely to eeeeven happen. I know it’s crazy and truthfully I don’t really expect perfection. But I do expect openness… openness to communicate – fully, honestly (even if it hurts), openness to resolving conflicts and agreeing to disagree - if need be, openness to allow him to be who he is and the same with me… I continue with the Love List…

K's Love List

81. Makes our relationship a priority over the little things that could possibly break down an otherwise strong and maturing relationship
82. Knows that he is accountable for every action and deed he commits
83. Respects my need for personal space, and respects my thoughts, opinions and property by not snooping
84. Trusts me and is secure enough to allow me to have and begin friendships with whomever I want
85. Knows that he’s not my end all or my be all and he’s completely fine with that

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

The Words I Type 1st Blog Anniversary!!!

Do you know what today is? It's my blogoversary, yeah, blogoversary!

It's amazing the difference a year makes in the life of an individual! When I set out to create this blog, I never would have imagined what I would encounter, what I would experience, how I would view things, how I would grow. I never thought of celebrating any blog milestones.

I've always loved writing. I am always expressing myself. By creating this blog, by commenting on other blogs, I wanted to connect to people who felt just as I do.

This venture has been a blessing to me.

I am Thankful first, foremost and always for the past experiences I have lived through that have inspired me to type... the daily journeys... the experiences to come... the dreams I have and the ones I can barely imagine.

I have typed through tears... Love Is Stronger Than Pride, Me & You, Untitled
I have typed while cracking the hell up... Meeting In the Ladies Room
I have typed while vulnerable my The Other Woman tirades

My blog friends, You have been blessings to me.

I am so thankful to Deepnthought, the first & only person to comment on my initial blog post What in The World.

To my co-workers who also blog... Liryc & Miss Stress... I love y'all so much. I love y'all for the things that are too vulgar, too harsh, too sensitive, too personal for the blog. I appreciate the blog posts we are able to laugh about in each other's cubicles.

To those of you on my blog roll... I may not always comment when I come through but I read daily. Your lives and journeys inspire me... Lovebabz, True Urban Queen AKA Sharon, Chezniki, Ticia, Kay C.

To those of you on my Yahoo bookmark list... You keep me laughing & thinking which makes the workday when I'm stuck behind a desk or at home battling some germ enjoyable... Eb the Celeb, Mizrepresent, Monique, Jewells, Keisha Isaacs and Bernice L. McFadden.

Thank you ALL for your kindness, honesty, sensitivity and yes your friendship. Some of you are my far-away friends, friends yet unseen, but still friends indeed. I used to say that the Internet was created for entertainment and nothing on it should be taken seriously especially when it came to classifieds and networking sites such as myspace, blackplanet, etc. Then I came along to blogger and my opinion has changed. I left a comment a little while back on True Urban Queen's post "Having You Here" that "What blogging has done is given a voice to our thoughts and a platform to engage others."

When Erykah Badu says "Now keep in mind I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my ish", I completely feel her. This here is my art on the blogger platform. This art comes from my joy. It comes from my abilities. It comes from my heart. My other blog Breathing Space: Growing Out My Mind... it is what it is, my breathing space, my crazy thoughts, my raunchy side, my soft side - Words I Type... alter ego.

This past year...
I wanted to click "delete this blog" numerous times
I wanted to change my name from MsKnowitAll to MsDontknowIsh! (with the exclamation point for emphasis)
I have not always posted every post I created - some things I have kept to myself
I have fallen behind at work while reading, posting, and commenting
I haven't posted one pic of myself

So here I am

Due to my self-consciousness I'm sure this won't happen too often but since it's my blogoversary, why not!

Wait, one more...

In the year(s) to come...
I will be truer to myself
I hope to shed some more layers
I hope to meet some more bloggers in person
I will try to be more structured and purposeful in my blogging
I still have a mound of personal goals that I hope to attain and will definitely share

True Love... Love List Thursdays

TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES
Effie Waller Smith

I loved you, dear, when first we met,
Almost a year ago.
I loved you then, I love you yet,
But why I do not know.

We met, we parted, that was all,
On a sunny, pleasant day,
When the leaves were stripped last Fall,
Of all their colors gay.

We met as only strangers do,
With simple courtesy;
I showed no signs that I loved you,
You none that you loved me.

And yet I love you, I confess
I love you, dear, and well,
With such a love I can't express,
Nor half begin to tell.

Some say that love if cherished not
Will fade away and die.
Ah, one we love can't be forgot,
True love can never die.

K's Love List

76. Loves and enjoys to hear the sound of my voice, even when I sing a little off key

77. Doesn't think I am silly for entertaining the little girl in me

78. Can repeat and recall the little things I say

79. Loves to watch the sun rise

80. Keeps cool even when I do something crazy or stupid

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Dreaming

Here's another post about my wacky dreams. I honestly had to laugh at this one because it was so dang crazy but here goes...

I was out with my mom shopping for clothes. I guess it was supposed to be in a department store but it looked like the wholesale stores down in the garment district. In walks James Earl Jones and he asked if he could take me to dinner and to the theatre. I accepted right away with a smile. My mother is standing there glaring at me, hating. My mom is in loooooooove with James Earl Jones.

He told me to pick out a dress and he would pay for it. So I grab this black number that looks very much like my black night gown that I wore to bed last night. I put the dress on and it looks different on me but looks too old for me. James comes over and starts to adjust the dress and I look into the mirror and suddenly I'm fabulous. The dress was sleeveless with a drape in the front, close fitting and very revealing.

So we leave the store and head off for dinner. We go to a very elegant restaurant where he shows me how and where to put my napkin, which kind of wine to order, which utensil to use. As if I don't already know and I go along for the sake of James Earl Jones giving me lessons.

Then he takes me home in a limo and he walks me to my apartment door. He leans in for a kiss, I tilt my head upward and it's the worst kiss ever. His lips are hard, the tongue is hard. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong. Suddenly my apartment door swings open and there behind the door are my separated parents. My mother is mad as hell and my dad is equally mad. I tell James good night and I head inside.

CHANGE

I am in the beamer with my OTJ#2 boyfriend, from here on I will refer to him as JT. So JT is driving and he makes an illegal u-turn on the Grand Concourse. The Grand Concourse is this huge boulevard that runs through the Bronx. After the u-ey, JT turns into my guy and I'm yelling at him for driving so reckless and possibly getting himself a ticket. JT/My guy, takes me to a party my co-workers are throwing. Saki is there along with my other co-workers, India and CB. The party has yet to begin and they are setting up and I know I need to leave in order to meet James Earl Jones for the theater. They are asking me to help put out the grapes, strawberries, pineapples and cake. The cake is left over cake from a cook out that me and my guy had 3 weeks ago and I'm livid that they are trying to feed me old cake.

CHANGE

I'm in a small room. CB is in the room with me. My guy is off in the corner mad - probably because I'm meeting James Earl Jones later on. And JT is in this room too. There's a twin size bed in the room that me and CB are laying on, chatting like school girls. I call my home phone to see if James called me because I'm running late so I'm thinking of rescheduling to the next evening but my dad answers the phone. I asked him what was he doing in my house and why was he answering my phone. He told me that he didn't like me dating a man around his age and that he thought I was just playing games with James and that I should be more focused and serious. I told him that I was serious and that I liked James a lot and I just wanted to be his friend. I told my dad to hang up, check my caller ID and my messages and to call me back in case James called. I didn't hear back from my father.

CB asks me how was it kissing James and I tell her how bad it was but I liked his companionship. Just then one of my friends, his name is Brown, Brown walks in. Now Brown has these beautifully full, luscious lips. When he walks in he says "Heyyyyyy! Special K! I jump over CB in the bed, meet Brown mid-air in an embrace and fall to the floor kissing him.

Then I wake up.

Don't ask me NUTHIN'! I don't know why I dreamt about James Earl Jones. I have no idea why my guy and JT were interchanging in my dream. I don't know why my guy was even there when I am clearly feeling James. Why am I kissing Brown with my guy in the room and JT - I dunno! It's just my crazy dreaming again. LOL

Scream Out Your Own Damn Name

Last night Erykah Badu was in Brooklyn at Wingate Field and nothing on earth would have stopped me from attending this FREE concert. I've paid to see Ms. Badu a few times but I missed her this year when she came to Radio City. Fortunately last night me, my buddy DC and, my co-worker, Liryc were able to get into the park where thousands were gathered to hear the songstress. Even more fortunate was where we were seated. DC's friend had chairs in her car that she was soooo nice to let us borrow and we sat up on this hill where we could see the jumbo screens without having to stand as I'm sure a lot of folks had to do.

Erykah is amazing. She looked great and her voice.... always on point. She sang (in no particular order):

From Baduizm

Apple Tree

On & On

Otherside of the Game

Tyrone

From Mama's Gun

Bag Lady

"...& On"

"Time's a Wastin"

From Worldwide Underground

I Want You

Danger

From New Amerykah...

The Healer

My People

Me

Soldier

From the Brown Sugar soundtrack

Love of My Life

She may have sung another song or two but I think I got them all because I sang them ALL right along with her and I even danced a little towards the end to Bag Lady since we had to move our chairs while their cleared out the park.

Another highlight of the night was spotting Eb the Celeb. I tell you there were so many people out there and it's still unbelievable how Liryc spotted her. Of course she had no idea who we were since I have NO pics on my blog and Liryc has one but we shouted her out and later caught up with her for a snap. A pic of us is posted on her blog.

I've yet to go to an Erykah Badu concert that I didn't overwhelmingly enjoy. I can't imagine a soul who was there last night who didn't have a good time. The woman sings, she plays the drum, she's a DJ and then she speaks. When she's on the platform she's going to entertain you and give you a little something for your mind.

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everybody loves music.” ~Billy Joel

Random Words I Type

* I have been reading about Birth Order Patterns and it is so interesting. I often find topics that intrigue me and then I delve in, topics usually in the psychology field. There are 5 birth orders, Only, First, Second, Third and Fourth. Here's another link. I am so excited and enlightened by what I'm learning that I busting out with the crazies. This whole week, whenever someone has pissed me off, I've been calling them Third Born! or First Born! Of course they have no idea what I'm talking about but I just love an inside joke...

* I am so turned off by my on-the-job man #2. He recently received a hefty pay raise and he doesn't want his ex-wife to take him to court for more child support. In one way I understand being selfish with money myself but as a woman I don't get it. I always try to put myself into another person's shoes and I could be an ex-wife, struggling to pay for rent/mortgage, car note, groceries, gas & electric, gas for the vehicle, clothes, shoes, toiletries, all of the miscellaneous but necessary items and a few luxury items (mostly for the kids) all by my lonely, and he's bitching about paying a few dollars extra for child support. I got in his ass yesterday, I had to. I'm hormonal too! Last month he had no problem spending a grand or more in New Orleans for the Essence Music Festival but he doesn't want to give extra for his children, come on!

* I have another OTJ man that I share with CB and probably quite a few other co-workers. I wrote about him a few months back, in my Second Fiddle post. Well Mr. Senegal just came back from a voyage back home and he brought me back a drum. Haha sisters! He probably brought them NUTHIN', but then again I probably shouldn't be laughing.... Now I know that they have found anthrax in African drums some time ago and I'm doing my research as I type. The drum is currently tucked far under my desk in a plastic bag until I'm done researching. So far I think I'm safe since I will not beat my drum and I didn't make it but I'm still not taking any chances. In any case, it's beautiful and I loooove it!

* Taking mass transportation is probably one of the ugliest activities of my day. If I could beam myself to work for $4 a day, I would jump at it. I must listen to music and/or read a book to get through my ride faster. The pushing people, the folks hungry for the tightest seat, the people who like to lean on the poles instead of hold on to them (Hello, where am I going to hold on if you're leaning on the whole pole?!). Yet something amusing happened this week. On my way home, a subway dancer performed his routine, which I ignored. I just wasn't in the mood for watching him break dance and flip around. So after he was done, he pulled out his cap and went around the train for his donations. A woman pulled out a $5 bill and instead of putting it in his cap, she asked for change, $4 back. She must have thought she was in church and he was passing the offering plate.

* What was Luda thinking when he wrote "Politics: Obama is Here"?

Said I handled his biz and I'm one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I'm ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that b^$&%* is irrelevant

Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
If you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man

Paint the White House black and I'm sure that's got 'em terrified
McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap

I have a feeling that Obama secretly likes the song but he can't ever admit it! I'm cracking the hell up and shaking my head at the same time.

*I had so much more to write but it suddenly left my brain on my way to work. Oh well. Hope every one of y'all have a good and marvelous weekend!