fine man friday... he is legendary

this man must be a slave to his craft... it is embedded in his very being, in it he lives, moves and breathes... he is one of the most talented men and for that he has earned the status: legendary...

i was introduced to him in 1979. and since then we have had an unwavering commitment. he is an artist that i love to love. he continues to write, record, produce and play... for me... and i continue to enjoy and hang onto every note, cord, word.

he feels for me, he told me that i'm the marrying kind, he wants to be my lover, my mother and my sister too... he has promised me that until the end of time, he'll be here for me, i own his heart and his mind, he truly adores me.

there is not a genre that he cannot capture... i believe the world is his influence and his inspiration. he's not just a funk or r&b or rock and he's more than simply a pop artist... last year as me and my friend DC drove from pennsylvania back to new york he serenaded us along the highways... out of my left eye i caught her laughing and i asked her why. she said, damn i didn't know he was a rapper too! yes my man, he's all that and then some.

when i heard he was coming to the north east i threw my request to the universe... well it was more than a request, i staked my claim when i said, "i am going to see prince in concert".  that was back in november. sure enough one of my friends called me last night to tell me he and his wife bought our tickets and tonight i will scream and sing right along with prince at the izod center. i scoured my drawer to find the perfect pair of purple panties to fling at him... i didn't have any :-(

 Prince Rogers Nelson

tonight is gonna be a good night for slow love... i did a post last year, If Prince Gave Me a Private Concert... and tonight... well the concert won't be private... but an experience i will be sure to remember for the rest of my days.

here is where i would post a prince song that i love... i love so many and it's hard to choose. i would put purple rain, anotherloverwholenyohead, or adore or do me baby or if i was your girlfriend and i cannot not put i wanna be your lover but i choose "g.o.d". love theme from purple rain. i chose this because my mother bought this because i loved prince even more after purple rain (the movie and the album) came out. i watched that movie a total of 96 times in one year. i have every line memorized and i could do that iwouldie4you move so good! this was something my mother probably stumbled upon... and the little 45 is even purple. i still have it though i don't own a turntable...

random words i type...

~i had a great day yesterday.  i played hookie from work and i took my babies out to coney island.  someone gave us baseball tickets and after the game i took them over to the amusement park side so they could get on a few rides.

~yeah the brooklyn cyclones beat the connecticut tigers!!!

~it was hot!  and i believe that i am a shade darker... on top of my bermuda tan.

~i love and miss the coney island of my youth.  as a child, my parents and their peeps would gather us kids and we'd head out to coney island on the D-train.  it seemed like forever until we got there.

~ice cream, nathan's hot dogs, seafood for my parents, colorful lollipops and cotton candy... i can't forget my favorite rides and the spook house... some of the old rides and the spook house are still standing and still in service... not me. then we'd take D-train back home and i'd fall right asleep before we hit brooklyn bridge - oh the fun.

~i talk a lot... sometimes too much and sometimes i state some very profound sayings... the problem is, i don't remember none of it. 

~i see it, i can feel it, my hand sometimes grips it but i shall not open pandora's box.

~if i don't remember the words coming out of my mouth... does that mean i don't really mean them? hmmm

~i had this pain for many months - could have been for about a year.  knee pain.  disturbing, crippling, painful pain... and last week the pain went away. just like *snap* that.

~i love that my children have personality.  i had a permanent grin on my face all yesterday. they gave "evil words of encouragement" to the opposing team. we all danced (to this and i thought of your post KayC!)  and we did the cha-cha slide... all in the noon day sun.

~took me a whole week to stop favoring my right knee.  i had to realize that i can now stand without the stiffness, walk up the stairs without putting my weight on my left leg first and that i could run down the stairs again.  every time i move with some speed, pain free, i say THANK YOU.

~i am loving this season of true blood... alcide... alcide... if you're a true blood watcher then you'll know i am summoning the sexy were (as in werewolf).

~persistence overcomes resistance... that's the saying, right?  well persistence is turning into annoyance with this chick from work who is trying to hit on me...

~nope - that's not the pandora's box that i sometimes embrace. 

~i joined a book club with a friend from high school and we're reading "the other wes moore" very interesting.

~i need to finish this book by saturday night.  i am on page 16.

~i think it's a good book but my mind isn't clear....

~i saw wes moore when i went to the harlem book festival last month... where i also met blogger CapCity... and i saw and spoke with my one of my favorite authors Bernice McFadden... and i saw Terry McMillan and Sonia Sanchez. what an awesome day it was... as dc's aunt would say... "it was so intelligent".

can i be your baby daddy?

june 25th and 26th, yes two days in a row, i went to madison square garden.  i had tickets to hear, to see, to feel maxwell.

when i heard he was coming to NYC, i booked my ticket for the show on the 25th.  the romantic side of me wanted to buy two, one for me and one for my cat daddy, but my realistic side told me to go solo.

it was only after i was seated that i felt a little alone but when maxwell came out on the stage, it became a private experience that i was so glad i went all by myself.

maxwell did not disappoint!  his energy levels were high as he sang and danced to his newer music and some of his old hits... and when the not so impromptu thong panties hit the stage and he wrapped them around the microphone and simulated something sexual with them thangs, i couldn't help but say out loud... "damn maxwell, you nasty".

he opened with "sumthin sumthin" and closed with... "pretty wings"...  and in between he rocked us with "reunion", "til the cops come knockin'", "lifetime", "stop the world", "bad habits", "drowndeep: hula" and other hits... but when he sang "this woman's work" he asked the ladies in msg can i be your baby daddy? all of the women went carazy!

jill scott opened for him on friday night... i always try to catch jill when she comes to ny but i've been missing her lately... i fall deeper and deeper in love with her art with every concert appearance.  she sang her older songs and something new to come.  i was blown away.  she was the perfect appetizer for the main course... she definitely got the ladies warmed up, feeling feminine and sexual and beautiful as she sang "golden", "he loves me", "hate on me", "long walk", and a new joint "i love you".

that was friday...

my mom happens to be an employee of madison square garden and got tickets for saturday's show... she was going to give me the tickets but i insisted that she go with me.  my mother is a homebody like my girl DC, in fact, i joke with them both that DC is truly my mother's off-spring... so on saturday my mother got dressed and we hit the town... tell me why my mother looked younger than me?  she loved the show!  she danced when maxwell danced and screamed as he wooed the women with his lyrics.

my soul-sista erykah opened on saturday night with songs from her new cd new amerykah: part two return of the ankh... "20 feet tall", "ummm hmmm" and my favorite "out my mind, just in time" but she didn't sing "window seat". :-( while her performance is always on point and thrilling to me, she wasn't the right fit... not the same level of sexy... no where near the same level of energy as jill scott and maxwell.  i enjoyed her though, a true fanatic i am.  she also sang her older songs... "me", "the healer", "on&on", "no love" and my other favorite "i want you".


all in all... maxwell dazzled me... i still get a little woozy when i think about how he performed and how my left eye swole with tears... i beam on the inside part.  you know how you see the footage of women swooning and falling out at old michael jackson concerts or even elvis? i almost felt like that... almost.

breaking fast... summer vacation 2010

i was away. i took a very short flight to a small tropical island, BERMUDA! i booked my vacation back in march and looked forward to heading to a relaxing vacation spot for the 4th of july... with none other than my frenemy DC.  there's not another person that i would vacation with but the minute that vacation begins, i'm wondering what in the hell i'm doing...

i don't trust her with my camera.  she takes the WoRsT pictures... do you see her side-eyeing the camera?  well back before digital cams, i actually took the worst pics because i always had my finger over the lense but DC will cut your head off. just crazy. this is us walking in newark airport...

she had just warned me to put the camera away, i looked too touristy and no one takes pics on the plane... well i like to snap photos so i snuck this one in...

this is me walking on the tarmac.  i've never walked on tarmac before. i was hyped... i'm walking like the president does... but i'm also tired.  bermuda is only a little over an hour away and i thought i was gonna catch a nap but noooo dc doesn't like to see anybody sleeping.

we'd just passed customs.  if you've ever or never traveled to bermuda, they don't like you bringing NOTHING onto their island. if you do, it can't total more than $30 or so dollars in value. well... we sneaky folks packed our stuff and we got the items through.

this is dc's cousin, he's a native bermudian and we stayed with him... bermuda is one expensive island.  their summers are our summers since they are a little off the coast of the carolinas and during peak season the price of a hotel room is ridiculous.  i like dc's cousin... he's tall, he's fine and he carries bags!

me again... in the back of dc's cousin's car thinking... "THESE CARS ARE TIGHT"... bermuda is so small and they drive these special mini vehicles like the smart car, fords, peugeots, bmws... but they might as well all be smart cars! they are smaller than the average small. and since they drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel in on the right side of the car, dc's cousin might as well drove the car while sitting on my lap.

day 1 in bermuda... we got to the aquarium where they also have a peacock that walks around... freely.  i love peacocks and i thought i was sweet-talking it into spreading its wings but no.  instead the peacock screamed for me. have you ever heard a peacock's mow?

that night we ventured out for bermuda's night life. i stretched my hair a bit and we got dolled up.  dc wouldn't pose for a pic ;-(  that may be why we only stayed out for 2 hours.. maybe 3 and that included dinner time.  truth is, dc is not a party girl.  she's a homebody.  put me in a club or anywhere there is music and you can leave me but not on an island where i don't know anyone and a d-train can't take me home...

day 2 and we're on bermuda's ferry-line heading to dockyard.  if you've taken a cruise to bermuda, you've docked at dockyard.  yeah the bermudians are simple people.  there's a road in the middle of the island and the name of the road is middle road.  there's a bird on the island and the bird has a long tail the name of the bird is the bermuda long tail.  simple.

it must have been the weather but for some reason my clothes were ripping apart.  my strap just popped off of my shirt. thank goodness the other one held up... and i smiled through it all...

dc... you ever pressed a zoom button before?  nope... see this is the pic that dc took... i let her snap a couple or else i wouldn't have pics of me near the clear blue waters...

day 3 and we're waiting for our table for sunday brunch...  our reservation was at 3:00, brunch is over at 3:30 and we didn't get sat until 3:35... they didn't even throw in free mimosas!  brunch was expensive, nice but not a free thang.

here's a smiling pic... wait - dc is still mean-mugging it...

when you've been to beaches that look like this, it's so hard to go to a beach where the water is a dark murky green as it is here in NYC.

day 3 and 4 we head to the beach... dc's cousin dropped us off but we had to walk back.  everything and everywhere on bermuda is walking distance away but i ain't nev-ver walked on a road like this one here.  and though walking is what i do with no car and living in the city, island walking is way different. this is tribe road no. 5 and while it's lush and beautiful, it looks like it's name. there's an incline on this road that made my body hurt.

the houses on bermuda are painted in pastels, which makes me think of ice-cream or better than that, sherbet.
the house we stayed in is up this hill and one night we went out and though dc asked me if i wanted to take a taxi back, i declined. i don't take taxis when i'm away. it was dark, midnight dark, and luckily bermuda is a relatively safe island because my fears would have told me that i would be attacked or robbed.  five steps up this hill and my chest is burning.  i look up and see that dc is mid-way up the hill, steady striding.  that heffa didn't even look back for me. she waited at the top though...

day 5 and we're having afternoon tea with dc's cousin.  bermuda was a british colony and so they do as the british do. afternoon tea.  i think i was tipsy all day of day 5. we had champagne and bloody mary shots at the tea, went to a wine tasting after that and later dinner with dc's family where me and her aunt tore up a bottle of pinot noir. day 5 was a good day.

day 6 and we're leaving... but before we left we decided to walk dc's cousin's doberman pinscher.  i don't know why i'm smiling because doberman is about to run up tribe road no. 5 while I am holding his leash.  no bueno.  not on my last day.  not while i am wearing flip flops.

and here we are, me and doberman, chatting it up in the kitchen, after the walk. i'm telling him to be good and he better miss me since doberman stayed licking my toes the whole trip. dc didn't take this pic, her cousin did.  i wish he hung with us. i would have gotten him to take my pics for me... and possibly with me... nah mean?!?!?!

this pic reminds me of what our friendship represents... longevity, faithfulness, trust and strength.  we have a lot of pics like this... ones when we were younger and this one now that we're in our 30s... but to me we look like, for a moment, that we were still in our teens, that we're still little girls, returning from our island venture.

Be Happy

I want to thank my blog sister Luv who awarded me with this Happy 101 Award.  She actually awarded me weeks ago but I neglected to award myself. It's been a while since I've won an award so I'm happy. Thanks Luv, you're the best girlie!

What I've come to know is that everybody wants to be happy, even though we complain enough and cry enough... at the end of the day, we all want to breathe a breath of happiness. We buy clothes, perfume and all sorts of things to fulfill our happiness.  Some of us eat when we are happy and then some of us eat when we are unhappy... but that's another post.  True happiness has no price tag.  There's no road map and there's no location to find it.  In fact true happiness cannot be pursued outwardly but inwardly. 

Happiness can be fleeting.  With a simple word said or a word gone unsaid, happiness can appear and disappear with the swiftness... but then again that could just be the changing of moods and not happiness at all.

Being happy is a state of mind.  You choose happiness.  Just as you can choose to be unhappy.  It's your feeling, it's your emotion, feel free to engage or disengage. As for me I choose happiness.  In most of my experiences, no matter the test, I choose the positive end.  I will smile myself into peace. I can and I will encourage myself, most times I fake it until I make it... but no matter how long it takes, I make happiness happen.

So in order to complete this award acceptance, I must fill in my happy list... This list is really special because whenever I'm down, it's these very things that always lift my spirits.


What Makes Me Happy:

10. Good music...
Give me some Marvin, some Anita, Aretha, Musiq, Amel, Erykah, Jill and some other artists and I cannot forget gospel music and I need no cake, no wine and umm hmmm no man. I will definitely be happy.
9. A clean bill of health...
Having gone through a health scare in 2009 and now feeling sluggish and finding out that my thyroid is underacting (I make up and misuse words a lot y'all!)... a clean bill of health is something to rejoice and dance about.
8. Friends...
Jesus had his Peter, James and John and I have my Lili, CB and DC... I love my sister friends and I'd love a brother friend too if I had one.  Oh I have lots of people who claim me as a best friend but my 3 hold me down.
7. Nature...
Sit me down in some green, lush scenic place where I can inhale and exhale and be.
6. A good pursuit...
I am absolutely overjoyed by being the chasee, the pursued, the one who is desired and sought after. Nothing thrills me more than being on the receiving end of one's pursuit, and then once the pursuit is over, I shall bless them with all of my goodness.
5. Good chocolate cake...
The other day at work they brought out cake. Red velvet, chocolate and yellow cake. I tasted them all and let me tell you... every single slice of cake was nasty. I was very unhappy.  It doesn't pay to be a foodie unless you quickly toss out plates of cake that no one should have baked nor bought. So with that, I choose wisely and I choose good quality choc-o-la-te cake!
4. Pampering...
I love a good massage, manicure, pedicure and facial... which is why I usually give them to myself because pampering is a gift. It's more than a job, if that's what you've been hired to do, it's a talent. So if I find a good pamperer, they've got a customer in me, but if not, I can do my own and be happy.
3. Wine...
A sweet glass of red or white vino drives me over into Happy Lane.
2. Good literature...
There's nothing like a good book or a dynamic work of poetry. If I am upset or bothered by something, if I pick up a good book, the emotions suddenly dissolve.
1. Rainbows... 
I've had the pleasure of seeing quite a few rainbows in my life and I love them. They are beautiful and whenever I see them, I always feel that no matter what is going on in my life, everything is going to be ok.

To conclude, I can't help but think about and venture to youtube for Mary J. Blige's "Be Happy"... Life is too short to be tryin' to play some games...

I Tell The Business....

I don't do it purposefully or maliciously... but I tell my friend's business. I do.

I am sure we all do. You know how you're talking and someone says something and you chime in with... I have a friend who does that or went through that.

Well I do that sometimes too... but mostly, I share my friend's stories & experiences. I know, should they come through and read this, they won't appreciate me telling the business like I do but I can assure them... their story can and has made somebody else feel better.

Now I would and I do share my own experiences. Out of my co-workers and friend , I have dated the most and I think I have and give great dating advice. But just yesterday when I was talking about the types that I attract, I was gonna talk about the types that my friend DC attracts, which are hella better than mine. While I attract "potential dudes", my homie attracts "established dudes"... that's a post for another day. And to tell her business... but it doesn't matter what kinda dude she attracts, she likes girls now... See how effortlessly her story spills out of my mouth... or outta my mind and on to this blog...

I know it's wrong of me... and I credit myself on being a person who thinks before she speaks. I do choose my words wisely. But there are times... and those times are plenty... when some words spill forth...

Now I do have some colorful stories to share... and I do. Those who are close to me and even those not so close... get a dose of "life story". Sometimes my stories are hilarious and sometimes they are painful... however I get bored with my stories... and I find that my friend's experiences are much more extraordinary.

Should they share my stories, I wouldn't mind... but I know me telling their stories... without their permission is not always cool... and I have gotten reprimanded a time or two so I know it does cause a bother... So I stand convicted and I vow to be mindful...

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

Mr. Hill Harper

One day... a number of years ago... me and DC (my sister-girlfriend) were sitting in D.allas B.BQ, the one on 72nd Street, near The Dakota, a famous New York landmark... also well known as the residence of John Lennon. As we sat eating, the waiter comes over and asks us the name of the actor who was seated behind us. Quickly we twisted our necks and what came out of of mouths was more than his name but a chant, that is now burned in our brains....

Hill Harper, Hill Harper,
Hill Harper

Also known to me and DC as the Hill Harper song...

Then he was an actor on City of Angels and starring in movies such as "In Too Deep" but Hill is currently making his mark as an inspirational speaker and author, not to mention playing the part of Dr. Sheldon Hawkes on CSI: NY.

I admire Hill... Along with being an accomplished actor, he has a JD and an MPA but chooses to act and to bring awareness to the issues of young people, encouraging them through his publications. I am anticipating his new title... The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships to be released on September 8, 2009.

Random Words I Type

Ooooooh it's been so long since I've blogged...

Haven't been going through much and I really have nothing to post about... but if we got to really talking, there'd be a whole lotta TMI going on. I must have posting block/blogging block... so I figured, this is the perfect to for a random.

*Gluttony truly is a sin... I do not eat meat. It's been a year or something like it since I've eaten meat other than fish and some seafood. However the other day I ate this vegetable bun and I pretended or turned a blind eye to it that it may just be meat inside of it. I'm pretty sure now that it was pork. And needless to say my body is paying the price. I am upset with myself. I tried to blame my co-worker who gave it to me and then my co-worker who gave it to her but really I am to blame because when I saw the brown grounded meat all I had to do was toss it but nooooo, I'm greedy and pretended that it was mushrooms. Now I've vowed to eat clean.

*I haven't spent any time with my friends. I've been in a sort of depressed state I suppose but I appreciate the company of one, ME. I may call one or two of them, hit them up on Facebook or send a text. But this weekend... I called all of my girlfriends and found out that one of them has been arrested, I hung out with CB and her crew on Sunday and I finally got up with my bestie DC yesterday. I missed them so.

*However my friend who got arrested for hopping on the back of the bus... WTF... we're grown now! Although I have never hopped on the back of a public bus as a youngster. If I have no carfare, I pep and step it or I borrow from somebody... anybody... but I take no chance of going to jail... been there, done that.

*Ok... see what had happened was... the year was 1999 and Amadou Diallo was gunned down by 4 police officers. Along with many others, I protested and was arrested for non-violent civil disobedience. I only spent 2 hours in jail and my record was expunged in 6 months. That was the least I could do to protest the callousness and brutality of the NYPD... Now I'm mad all over again...

*But back to my friend... I couldn't understand her being grown and hopping on the back of the bus. She's a big ole yallow girl too. An easy target. The cops came and arrested her, handcuffed her and all. She spent 2 days in jail... hey I was arrested along with about 75+ people. 2 hours was about all they afford to give me. I feel bad but then again... I don't. Hey I'll give her the $10 for a metrocard. Getting arrested for hopping the bus is just not an option.

*Yesterday while recovering from my gluttonous actions, I hooked up with DC and we went to the movies. I haven't been to the movies since... 7 Pounds, which is an excellent movie although I had to read the script online to figure out what the heck was really going on. Anyway, me and DC went to see Knowing.

*Guess what? I don't want to know. Nope. I have decided that I want to read the bible up until Jude but there's no need for me to read Revelations no more... no unh unh. I'm not interested in what's going to happen in 2012 either. Sometimes knowing is not everything. I need not know of the 5,000 dates for the end of the world. However I will say that knowing that God is in control gives me great comfort.

*That's all folks!

A Night of Dance...

Firebird

Last night I was treated... first by my sister-friend DC. Back in August she spent a full day trying to score mega cheap tickets for Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater and she thought it kind to include me when she placed her purchase. Then I was treated by the dancers and the awesome melodies of Sweet Honey in the Rock.

It was orgasmic.


I grew up dancing. For 15 years I studied jazz and ballet. It's been years since I've been in a dance studio or under the training of a choreographer. When usually seeing a dance performance my body jerks because I too want to vibrate but last night I was still. In awe. Seeing the Alvin Ailey dancers has been on my to-do list since I was 25 years-old and finally I had the opportunity. More than an opportunity. It was an experience.

Revelations

Seeing the dancers twist and contort, beautifully lift and stretch their bodies. No more than bodies... their beings, I was spiritually stimulated, which was another jolt I needed from yesterday's funk.

Revelations

I have to go again. They had a lottery for future show tickets and even if I don't win, I must see the show again with my special friend. A show this rich in culture, spirituality and sensuality, it was enormous and enriching. I am still flying on my Ailey high.

Revelations

I Surrender

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you. Lois Lane: You, you've got me? Who's got you?

I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.

It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...

It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.

I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.

It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.

After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!

But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.

However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.

I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.

Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.

But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".

Telling The Truth

“Some people say that I’m to open they say it's not good to let them know everything about me and they say one day they will use every little thing against me but I don't mind maybe they're right that's just how it is and I got nothing to hide.” -Life is Real by Ayo

Growing up my mother always told me that I will say the wrong thing if I talk too much and sure enough I caught enough slaps and hits for saying something out of turn or for talking too much in school.

I talk a lot. I am not ashamed to tell my business, especially when I know it can benefit someone else. I talk about my relationships, particularly with my friends or co-workers and don’t let something go down in my relationship because I will run and tell them how HE done made me mad. I talk about the good in my relationship and CB can tell you how I make her ear bleed and her stomach queasy with my love and lust stories.

I talk about my family, the good family and their funny stories and I tell about family gone bad. That cousin who in 1985 made Christmas bad for everybody by stealing everything from under that tree and selling it all for crack.

I talk about my financial situation, when it’s good and when it’s bad. When my people see me pull out my change purse and pay for my whole meal with dimes, they know I’m low on funds. When I’m not eating lunch and drinking tea that I borrowed from the office pantry, I’m in a financial funk. I have no problem explaining why my bag is so heavy – it’s because I have to run to Commerce (now TD Bank) to the penny arcade!

I just really try not to hide my truth.

I remember the time when I saw an interview with Alice Walker (I’ve spoken about this before) but what resonates within me is her candidness. She spoke of how she was blinded by her brother, the abuse one of her grandmother’s suffered, abortions. Me and DC sat their astonished and we both left saying that we wanted to be that truthful, that open.

* Some days my pendulum swings between id and ego erratically.
* I used to say that I’m jealous but I realized recently that I’m not. I choose my new quality - Guarded.
* I am mostly frugal but when it comes to jeans, costume jewelry and bags, I will splurge.
* I am a stickler for time but I am always late or rushing.
* In relationships, I love hard and I give my all. I’m usually not jealous or guarded when I’m secure in my worth.
* I am Ms. Independent with my girls but with my man, I am putty.
* I am a procrastinator in ALL things.
* I am a ride or die friend. If there is any way to say or display my loyalty, I show and prove.
* I love my family. I’d give a lung, kidney, bone marrow, and blood, whatever is necessary to save the life of anyone of them. Yes, that even goes for that crackhead cousin of mine. And I want to always be close to them, which explains why I didn’t move all over the world like my brother and the truth is, they need me as much as I need them.
* I’m selfish with my food. Food is sacred to me and when I sit down to eat and I know my food is going to be slamming, I do not want to look over and see some hungry eyes but… I almost always spill my food and on my clothes. (That’s probably the portion I should have shared).
* I look for errors and if anyone around me says a wrong word or uses a word in the wrong tense, before I can think about it, I am correcting them. The other day my supervisor said, “Who stealed it?” Oh we all fell out laughing as I said “Stealed, stealed!”
* Speaking of words… I tell anyone around me… please be careful with your use of words because I take everything literally. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
* I am a church girl but I got a potty mouth. :O It’s bad of me, I know. It's no secret that I get my sailor's mouth from my parents. My mother tells me that she likes my profane flow but that my mouth and face just don't go together. I AM WORKING ON IT!

That's simply skimming the surface...


Ayo (Joyful) ~~ Life is Real

A Very Long Week

Once again I want to thank my blogger fam for your love, prayers and support. I appreciate you and your encouragement has uplifted me.

If I have learned nothing this week, I have learned that we must get things in order before our last days. It may seem morbid but we all know that dying is a part of life and like buying a home or making financial investments it is so important to get life insurance and other matters bought, purchased and settled for a smooth transition.

Gratefully my grandmother was insured and shortly before her passing she gave my father money so the family does not have to struggle for anything. That in and of itself is a blessing.

Gratefully there is no drama. Well... not a whole heck of a lotta. I can't express how glad I am that there is no one who wants to do too much of everything or wants things to be so extra special that you just want to kick them in the back of the knees. Everyone of my father's friends and his special lady friend are so supportive and loving.

Gratefully my brother is flying in on Thursday from Antigua. His wife is here in the US preparing to give birth... now I told you that my grandmother would have been 93 years-old in November and my sister-in-law is giving birth the first week in November...

Gratefully my church family and my close friends... man I appreciate you! My co-worker CB, I know you read me, I love you so much. DC, my sister, always always there for me. My guy and my friend B. Soul... if it were not for you, your support and your positive energy on Monday... all of my friends, without naming names, you are loved and appreciated.


.... posted by the really tired but thankful Ms.KnowitAll

Sunglasses At Night...

... "Every now and then / I might check your caller I.D. / Just to see who's callin' other than me / Every other girl I know does the same thing too / But they don't even say that they do"

~ Faith Evans, "Jealous"

I am a jealous woman and because I am real and own up to my emotions, I wear my jealous green proudly. However, I don't ask questions I don't want answers to and I don't play private eye. Sometimes I seem a little standoffish and vague because of it but it's my defense mechanism - I have to protect my heart.

I love the song Jealous by Faith Evans. I remember blasting it when it came out in 2005... I'm so jealous, I can't help it... I'm so jealous, I can't control it....

The truth is, I can help it and I do control it. Sure I would love to go through my boo's cell phone to make sure he's really texting his cousin and not some new chick. I have his password to everything and I can easily check his email and so much more.

But I don't. It has more to do with his entitlement to his personal space than my security.

I know me and I can make a mountain out of a tiny little mole hill. I remember a couple of years ago when I attended my nephew's high school graduation and you couldn't tell me that his friends weren't gang bangers. I kept asking him who they were and why they all wore blue. Actually only one of them had on blue. I remember sneaking and reading my nephew's private myspace page at one time and he wrote about which gang was the best. He wrote about the blue one. Even after he told me that the guys were his friends from church, I didn't believe him. It wasn't until I questioned his mom that it was confirmed for me. I wouldn't have speculated and disturbed him on his graduation night with my interrogation if I didn't snoop.

My mother always told me "Seek and ye shall find, and don't seek if you aren't prepared to find something that hurts". Growing up, my father was quick to claim broke but by not putting his money in a checking account, he stashed money in his closet. I'm pretty sure a time or two when my mom was searching for some dough, she probably came across a number or maybe even a pair of panties. Oh something made her tell me that little adage.

I am many things but a snooper, I am not. I don't know how much money my guy brings home. I don't know whose numbers are in his cellular. I don't check his pockets, ever. I do have an open mind and I firmly believe in open communication so if there is anything I really care to know, I have no problem expressing myself, I will ask. Whatever he chooses to share is fine. Whatever he chooses to keep secret is fine too, I don't force any issue.

I remember one time I was dating this guy, an older gentleman who liked jazz clubs and art galleries - I had a ball with him. One particular night I was at home with my girl DC and he was out. Probably with female and male friends. All I know is he simply told me, when I called him, that he was out. DC sat there, listening to my convo, and when it ended told me to call him back and ask him who he was with. Peer pressure is a mother because I didn't want to call him, I wasn't concerned with who he was with - our relationship wasn't even serious. And it never got that way either because I did eventually call him and did some more investigating with DC's help. He may have been all wrong for me to begin with or he could have been Mr. Right. It's water under the bridge now but I learned my lesson.

If I want to know something, I just ask! After all dirty little deeds done in the dark eventually come to the light. And the dirty deeds that go unknown, will probably never affect me. Don't get me wrong - I do not turn a blind eye nor a deaf ear to the obvious and I have a bull'ish meter that rarely steers me wrong but everyone is free to be who they are without a snooping eye spying with a sense of entitlement to know every little thing that someone is doing, hiding or typing...

Random Words I Type

Nothing new is going on in my life but I wanted to post... on nothing in particular.

I always talk about my sister-friend DC. Though I never go into details about her... she's a psycho. While she is not mentally stable, she is my best friend. I have to keep her close because she knows way too much and if she started talking I'd have to kill her.
One of the things DC does when she's trying to reach me is instead of her leaving a detailed message, she doesn't leave a message at all. She literally calls back to back to back until she's exhausted. No, she's not thinking that I am dead or injured. She just has to call me numerous times until she gets me. I hate that. She comes off as a scorned lover and everybody I know thinks that she is or was my lover at some point in our friendship. My guy, my ex-guys, my friends, my mom, everybody. On any given day, she'll call me repeatedly about 10 times before she stops.
Today though her mother is trying to reach me. I see where she gets this psychosis from. Her mother won't call and leave a message until around the 8th call. I sat at my desk, chit chatting with CB today and she witnessed the phone ringing. I just checked my cell - 9 missed calls and no message.

~~~*~~~

I went to the beach on Saturday and my feet got tanned. Only my feet. As much as I like tanning because I love dark skin, my feet look crispy. I hope I'm not offending anyone. I think I need more lotion or baby oil and some socks. I'm not liking this tanned feet look a'tall.

I have been watching the 2008 Olympics and feeling like I can relive my high school volleyball days so me and my guy bought a net and a ball. We played against each other because we have no friends - no couple friends anyway. For the past 3 days I have been nursing the biggest bruise on my forearm from that plastic damn ball. I enjoyed myself and I played a good game but I am no Kerri Walsh or Misty May-Treanor.

~~~*~~~

I want to write self-help books. Yes I think I can help people especially the people who seem to cause me the most grief. This is really funny because I am reading Birth Order books and it says that only child personalities should not write self-help books because they never grew up with siblings. I'm not really an only child but due to the space between me and my brother's birth, technically we're both onlies. Plus I have 2 older siblings that my dad created before meeting my Mom. I should post about my family craziness. Or maybe not.

In any case, I want to write 2 books - What Not To Do in Relationships and How To Leave Messages for People You're Trying to Reach. As you can see, I'm only joking with this. As much as I love to write, it's hard as heck trying to put together a book.

Here is a short view of what I'd put into What Not To Do in Relationships
* Do not tell the person you are in the relationship with that you love them until 364 days after you meet them. If you tell them after the 1st date, they might lose their mind and either leave you or want you to move in right away.
* Do not rush into anything. Go very slow. Snail's pace is best for your pockets and your state of mind.
* Do not make a commitment within the 1st 6 months of the relationship. This way you'll see the potential for their true craziness because they have been pretending sanity for the first 6 months.
* Do not leave the bathroom door open. That's right, if you want a lasting relationship, when they have to sit on the toilet, tell them to close the damned door!
* Do not expect for them to have it all together just because they holla at you. It is wise to leave 3 to 6 months open in the beginning of the relationship for them to end the booty calls, the ex-girlfriends that just didn't get it or for the divorce to finalize. As you can guess, I'll be writing from my personal experiences.

Here is a short view of what I'd put into How To Leave Messages for People You're Trying to Reach
* Leave a detailed message with your name, your topic of discussion and that's it!!!! Do not just say "Hey K, call me back" - I HATE THAT! People, I don't like to talk on the phone and I don't want to call you back!!! What's the purpose of leaving a message? Plus I can't stand checking messages. So by leaving a detailed message, that alleviates me having to talk to a real person... See I don't have anything else to put into this book. Maybe I should just leave that as my voicemail message and answering machine message.

~~~*~~~

I told my guy that I wanted us to go to couple's therapy. He looked at me like I was crazy but the truth is I just want the therapist to tell him that he's crazy and tell me I should leave his crazy azz!

~~~*~~~

There's this guy at work who I used to date years ago. He once left the job and I was ecstatic because that allowed me some time to get over him, but then we kept in touch but at least I didn't have to see him everyday. He came back to the job and for 3 years I ignored him and almost forgot about our dating days. Long story not too long... he's married now but his nose is still wide open for some K. For the past year we've been speaking again and he's been crazy jealous over my on-the-job hunnies - even the ones I don't claim. I used to think it was cute but I now I want to shout at him "Why the hell did you marry her then?!!!". I guess it's a man thing because I know he doesn't really want me (just wants to sex me) yet he doesn't want anyone else to want me (have sex with me).

~~~*~~~

I went to the DC37 union website today to see if there is any news of a salary increase. NOPE. I really don't like being a union worker. Raises that come every 2 to 3 years sucks. They are reorganizing this whole establishment but they ain't talking money. It's been 2 years since we had a 2% raise. I'm heated. The only good thing I have to look forward to is the retro check once the raise comes through. That is... if I'm still employed here....

Scream Out Your Own Damn Name

Last night Erykah Badu was in Brooklyn at Wingate Field and nothing on earth would have stopped me from attending this FREE concert. I've paid to see Ms. Badu a few times but I missed her this year when she came to Radio City. Fortunately last night me, my buddy DC and, my co-worker, Liryc were able to get into the park where thousands were gathered to hear the songstress. Even more fortunate was where we were seated. DC's friend had chairs in her car that she was soooo nice to let us borrow and we sat up on this hill where we could see the jumbo screens without having to stand as I'm sure a lot of folks had to do.

Erykah is amazing. She looked great and her voice.... always on point. She sang (in no particular order):

From Baduizm

Apple Tree

On & On

Otherside of the Game

Tyrone

From Mama's Gun

Bag Lady

"...& On"

"Time's a Wastin"

From Worldwide Underground

I Want You

Danger

From New Amerykah...

The Healer

My People

Me

Soldier

From the Brown Sugar soundtrack

Love of My Life

She may have sung another song or two but I think I got them all because I sang them ALL right along with her and I even danced a little towards the end to Bag Lady since we had to move our chairs while their cleared out the park.

Another highlight of the night was spotting Eb the Celeb. I tell you there were so many people out there and it's still unbelievable how Liryc spotted her. Of course she had no idea who we were since I have NO pics on my blog and Liryc has one but we shouted her out and later caught up with her for a snap. A pic of us is posted on her blog.

I've yet to go to an Erykah Badu concert that I didn't overwhelmingly enjoy. I can't imagine a soul who was there last night who didn't have a good time. The woman sings, she plays the drum, she's a DJ and then she speaks. When she's on the platform she's going to entertain you and give you a little something for your mind.

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everybody loves music.” ~Billy Joel

Love of My Own… Love List Thursdays

I remember a time in my life when I desperately wanted a man. With everything in me I was on the prowl. I went clubbing with my friends, hanging out in after work spots, attending mixers and what I noticed is that I kept attracting men who were already attached. I knew that there was something in the energy that I exuded but I didn’t know just what it was.

Around this time my girlfriend KC had just hooked up with her man and all she talked about was this Montell Jordan look-alike. I was heat-ed and jealous and I wouldn’t talk to KC for about a year. First off, all she talked about was how fine he was. Secondly he appeared to be the most stable and responsible brother and I wanted someone in my life, just like him. It took my sisterfriend DC sitting me down and explaining that he really didn’t look like Montell Jordan, which actually lifted my jealousy a lot. LOL

What I came to find was that I was always going to attract a man who was married or attached to someone else if I wanted what someone else had. My AHA moment! As DC’s Jamaican mum would say “That’s heavy stuff”. In order for me to attract a man for me, I would have to do some soul searching and determine the qualities I desired in a prospective partner.

I do not talk about my relationship much… and if my girlfriend/co-worker/therapist/play cousin CB reads this, she will definitely beg to differ. But I don’t blog about my relationship or I may but I mask it up when I do… My relationship is very fragile and has been for a while and I try to keep our matters contained. I won’t get into details but I will say this…

It’s not easy learning and loving someone especially when it seems like you’re riding on the worst emotional roller coaster of your life. However the love we share, that was developed from day one, I prayed for and found. We cultivate it and our love resounds between us two, not us three, definitely not us four – just us two. It took me years and lifetimes, kissing frogs and falling fervently on my knees before this love of my own came along. It’s not like KC’s love (and I thank God for that because Montell Jordan’s not twin has turned out to be a heart breaker). My love compares to no one else’s and that makes it imperfect perfection.

K’s Love List

51. Not legally attached to someone else
52. Not emotionally attached to someone else
53. Knows what it means & takes to be devoted
54. Sensitive to my needs & wishes
55. Knows how to be playful and loves having fun together
56. Sexually uninhibited
57. Enjoys making me feel special
58. Allows me to make him feel special
59. Knows how to give & take control
60. Knows how to cook very well

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Telling The Truth... Love List Thursdays

A few years ago, I had the privilege and experience to hear Alice Walker speak here at the Library. She spoke of the upcoming The Color Purple play, the book as well as her other works and poetry. The entire audience was enthralled. My best girlfriend DC came down here for the event and when we bought 2 books, The Color Purple and Temple of My Familiar that she autographed. When we were in line to have our books autographed DC asked her "How is it that you're able to tell your truth without inhibition?". I was thinking the same thing because with ease and with grace, Alice Walker spoke of molestation, of physical abuse, abortion and her family dysfunctions... Ms. Walker replied to us and everyone around us, "Because it is much too painful to tell a lie".

It's not easy to tell the truth. It's not easy to bare your soul and I'm not speaking of telling the truth to a loved one or someone close yet that is difficult as well, I'm speaking of peeling the layers and seeing, telling, reveling in your own truth.

A friend of mine is dealing with a woman who felt comfortable enough with him to tell her truth. She told him her story to put her cards on the table, to make all things clear so that they could grow together. After she finished her story, he left her and ended their involvement. Her truth was much too much for him to withstand. However, those are the breaks for revealing your truth to others. They may accept it and love you anyhow or they may break out because... the truth is heavy, the truth is real, the truth is sometimes just too much to deal with.

For the individual... the same actually applies. The truth is sometimes too much and so we choose not to deal. We pull the cover up over our heads, we sweep the truth under the rug and hope that it disappears. But the truth is ever-present even if you close your eyes to it. Sometimes the truth is miserable. Sometimes just holding it in will make you ill. Sometimes by letting it out you will hurt someone's feelings. You will have to reposition your life and release some things. Please know that the truth will liberate you from some burdens.

You may be nervous, afraid, anxious, depressed. You may not be every woman. You may not be on top of the world. You may think you're great and wonderful but you hide it from others and negative self-talk yourself. You may be inspired, angry, loving or motivated but when you reveal your truth to yourself through your experiences, you give validity to them and find the ability to right the wrongs, correct your mistakes and seek successes for your downfalls.

My everyday quest is to live life to the fullest and to be true to myself....

K's Love List

11. A man who I can trust and share my past, my failures and my joys with

12. A man who knows how to lead and isn't afraid to be the head

13. A man who shies away from asking a woman for money

14. A man who knows that I love Sex & The City, Friends, Girlfriends, The Food Network, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word, Ugly Betty, musicals, good books, good wine, yoga and leaves me alone when I want to indulge

15. A man who is comfortable enough with himself to share his innermost secrets

16. A man who is well-versed in literature, religion and politics

17. A man who shares my love of music, literature, social scenes, movies

18. A man who has a positive attitude about himself and about life in general

19. A man who I can physically and emotionally rely upon (if need be) - I want to be able to seek him first and not my daddy to fix things or my girlfriends for support...

20. A man who knows that I am an observer and a lover of beautiful things yet secure and knows that he's the only one that I want

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

LOVE

"And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2" -Alannis Morrisette, "Not The Doctor"

I reminiscence on the nineties when all of my friends were off getting married, getting pregnant and/or then getting married. We were young, early twenties, however me, D.C. and a few other friends steered clear of the trend... along with the fact that we didn't receive marriage proposals...

Well I had a sorta kinda marriage proposal. My ex's mother told me how the Lord showed her in dream that me and her son were married and so we should just go ahead on. I explained to her and her son that the Lord didn't reveal it to me. My answer was NO. It's not that I didn't love my ex but goodness, I wanted him to propose to me because he wanted to spend his life with me, not his Mama's false prophesying. We broke up months later and he married another woman 15 months after that.

I mentioned above that we steered clear of the trend and I say that because some of our friends married because they loved their significant others and wholeheartedly devoted themselves rather than following the pack. However a lot of them followed the pack, getting married because it was "the thing" to do and those marriages fell apart, including my ex's.

Marriage, while it is a societal norm - beneficial to society at large... a rite of passage if you will, It is not a decision that you jump into just because...

• Your Mama told you to
• All of your friends are doing it
• You slipped up and now you're pregnant
• You want the other person to change or stop nagging
• You need somebody to help you pay off your bills
• You're lonely
• To justify your love

I see and respect marriage as an institution and the support it offers the community, especially Black marriages that endure centuries, marriages that may reach the edge yet they don't fall off because of straightforward devotion.

On the other hand... I don't know if marriage is for me... mostly because I have not met one man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Now if you're a reader, then you know I'm in a committed relationship. So you may ask, K, how is that possible? Short answer... because we have problems that are not resolved and I do not know if I can accept them... ever.

And with that, I am beginning to post my Love List again. I first read this article in O Magazine back in February of this year and I started it initially, probably back in March (I haven't checked my archives) but I dropped it. I'm starting it again to document my true love desires. I vow to get to 100 this time. Here goes...

K's Love List

The Man I Desire Has Got To:

1. Love, honor and have a relationship with God
2. Love, respect and support the women in his life
3. Have a stable career
4. Manage his money responsibly
5. Love music
6. Be committed to uplifting the community
7. Be secure with himself... his success, his failures, his shortcomings
8. Want children or take care of the children he already has
9. Be mentally stable with a normal dose of psychosis (hey, we're all crazy at some point in our lives!)
10. Honest, open and expressive communicator

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Past Love, Part II

Didn't want to wait too long to post Part II...

I mentioned that Craig was a drunk... but he was/is a functional drunk. He went to work each day, even though he was late and he drank up his rent money. While we were involved, he actually rented out his bedroom and slept on his couch. This was after months of pleading for me to move in or help his out financially and I declined to do both.

So after seeing the woman I told her that I was a friend to Craig's roommate, the dude who rented the bedroom. While conversing she told me that she was there to meet Craig. Craig stood up in the middle of the living room like an idiot. He didn't know what to do with himself.

I never made it to the bathroom but Craig tried to grab me up and pull me into the bathroom when I wouldn't budge off of the couch. That was when I flipped his keyboard on the floor. I knew that would stop him because he is a musician. The woman he invited over stayed clear out the way, lucky for her.

He tried to hug me because I started to cry (out of anger) when the reality of the situation hit me but I pushed him off of me and he fell into the wall where the lamp was and it hit the floor.

When I tired myself of the drama, I decided to leave as Craig kept trying to stop me, telling that I would never leave him. That angered me so because I really did not want to leave him. That was one very convenient arrangement! I would leave his house at 6:00 am on a weekday, head to my house to shower and change and head to work on time.

I wish I could say that that was the last time I saw Craig but it wasn't.

About a month later I get a phone call from a producer from the Jerry Springer show inviting me out to Chicago to talk about relationships. Craig had called to schedule us to be on to discuss men who are in abusive relationships with women!!! Once again I was livid. My homie DC happened to be at my house and even though I deleted Craig's number from my phone, it came right back as I called him while I walked right over to his house. Me and DC roll up and Craig is all calm and subdued as he explains to DC that he's recently recovering from his injuries and that I destroyed his family heirlooms - all the while he's drinking a Heineken. It was 11:00 am.
I told him that he better not be calling the People's Court or Judge Judy because I'd really injure him. Craig has dreams of being on TV and he'd already appeared on an Judge Greg Mathis episode.

I never saw Craig after that. He called to wish me a happy mother's day (by the way I do not have children) one year but that was about it. I see his fat head brother (yes the one who is married and came over that day) every now and again but that's about it.

Like I mentioned I was never disappointed with Craig. I mean that man drove me c-r-a-z-y. It's kind of like that Jill Scott song "Cross My Mind" and the lyrics:

"But the reality honestly...you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do..."