Year-end countdown... Thriving on Drama

While sitting at home, not too long ago, on a Saturday night... I finally watched "He's Just Not That Into You".

Not a bad film...

While I had (in my youthful past) and still fall into moments of sounding and even acting like the character Gigi, there was one part of the movie that struck a cord...

There is a part in the movie when Alex and Gigi were in the bar and he tells her that women thrive on drama and how we wait "until the last minute on deadlines, or on phone bills, because you love the drama of not knowing whether you'll make it" I simply shook my head and raised my eyebrows. It may or may not be a true statement but it is true for me.

When I reflect on my 2009 and every situation I encountered, the good and the bad, I can't help but ponder the choices I made and how they relate to my circumstances.

I tell myself I don't like drama. I pride myself on not being a drama queen but some of the choices I make create drama in my life such as not saving enough money, spending frivolously, not opening bills, ignoring collection calls, eating too much of the wrong foods, not exercising, procrastinating... there is no wonder why I'm dealing with hardships. I helped to create them!

I am amazed sometimes at how the universe forces you to deal with your problems... every valley that I fell in caused me to be still... you can't go out, eat out or spend frivolously with no money! I was forced to look within and see what was keeping me from taking care of my personal matters and then I was able to take inventory of my life, pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.

I had a rough year but I survived a health scare, losing money, losing friends and lay-offs on the job. I also had some good times... I reactivated my facebook account, reconnected with old friends, explored and enjoyed my freedom, vacationed, relaxed and reignited a high school flame.
In 2009 I thrived on drama and I teetered on whether or not I was gonna make it but... I made it. There's nothing like a little drama to make you seek and strive for balance and most of all I am grateful for my hardships. Without them I wouldn't have grown, I wouldn't feel my strength and I wouldn't be at peace.

Year-end countdown... losing friends

It's the last 3 days to 2010... and while I will be ever so glad to turn the page on this year, I can't help but reflect on what a year it's been.

I've had some lows... It's been a good long while since I've been hit so hard but I've learned that I can take a hit. One of the hits I've taken is the loss of one of my dearest friendships.

Most of my friendships span over decades and I have some that are new... me and this particular friend have known each other since middle school. Through falling in love, heartbreaks, achievements, sickness, health and life changes, we've been there. I can be naive at times though I count it as one of my qualities. I never foresaw this type of break-up. I know quite a few people.... I call some people associates but I call very few "friend".

The close and tight-knittedness that friends have as youth is hard to maintain as adults. We're not together all day as we were in school, our summers aren't spent chillin' and the freedom we had is now hard to reclaim with responsibilities and interests yet some friendships stand the test of time. This one did not and it didn't feel like shedding old skin when it broke, it felt as if I was cut with a knife.

I got the cut through a facebook message... Really? Over 20 years of friendship and I find out by opening up my facebook account? I suppose telephones no longer work... Hell, we live 20 minutes away from each other, a visit wouldn't do? There's a disconnect somewhere when facebook becomes the mode of communication for 2 people who were friends back when their mothers sanctioned their telephone use.

"Friends are forever"... that's how the saying goes... but in my life I've learned that sometimes it's our friends who hurt us the most... Keeping me as a friend was much too toxic. Apparently I wasn't the friend she needed me to be when she needed it. My choices, my thoughts and my ways no longer coincided with hers and it hurt more to keep me within her circle that cutting me out was the best option.

Truthfully speaking... I've cut ALL of my friends off a time or two in my life. I was unhappy by something they said or did and I took a vow to be friendless before I would put up with them and their messes... so while it hurts that our friendship is over, I accept her choice.

Everything happens for a reason. While some friendships are meant to last for a lifetime sometimes we don't realize that some are only meant to last for very long seasons.

Random Words I Type...

I been gone for a minute...

* I have been away on vacation and a much needed vacation it was. It was a pleasure and then a pain to go away with my best friend and I realized that after 3 days, I get homicidal... with her. But overall, we had the best girls week - everything I predicted it would be.

* We went to the Poconos, I have a time share there and somehow my homie thought it was supposed to be Jamaica, peak season. Why is it so cold? OHMYGOSH it's snowing? The thing is, she's been begging me to go to the Poconos for 3 years. I finally book my week and she complained the whole time. The highlight of my week was seeing her slide on ice. Priceless.

* An ex is an ex for a reason... It's a year since my break-up and I realized simply - I do not like my ex. I watched Michelle Obama, last night, talk about her man and she said after all of the years, she still likes him (I'm paraphrasing here) and I absolutely get her. I nearly broke my neck nodding my head at the TV. So I realized before going away, that I'm happy to be free of my last serious relationship. I wish my ex the best and if we never have to talk, unfortunately we do, I would be overjoyed. Until we've settled all financial matters... :( :( :(

* I take YOU with me... while in the Poconos I thought of TrueUrbanQueen... she lives in PA and while in the cold and snow, I thought of her living the city life with the woods behind her... I thought of TheQuietStorm... while it was a thunderstorm, there was snow and The Perfect Murder was on TV while we were up there... and then I didn't have WiFi... I didn't even have reception so I couldn't do any blog reading nor writing while I was up there. I missed YOU!

* It's been 5 years since we said yes to the timeshare saleswoman... We can't even take our week together, we split the time. And so.... I'm ready to sell!

* I love December... it's like spring time because it's my purging season. I'm cleaning house and I'm kicking old habits, bad attitudes and funky people to the curb. You know who you are... don't feel bad but do take it personal...

* I am entertaining an older gentleman these days... we're just friends... me and his oldest are the same age... Mmm Hmm... and he's a Cat Daddy. ALL. THE. WAY.

Thankful...

I am not one to observe this historical/controversial holiday... however the energies that surround this season are of THANKS and for that I will always participate.

For surviving and living from one year to the next... I am thankful.
For visiting with and connecting with family... I am thankful.
For food, clothing, shelter... I am thankful.
Many may argue with me about this - but for my sanity... I am thankful.
For my friends... I am thankful.


So I wish you all a happy and wonderful season of THANKS!

False Fillers

The other day I was in the 99 cents store . The same aisle that has the stationery items (I love stationery) also has the junk food items. So I decided to purchase a bag of chips. Now I could have exercised self-control and bought nothing but I settled on a bag of crunchy cheese doodles. That is after I put back the bag of puffed cheese doodles because there are less puffy doodles in the same sized bag than in the crunchy and I gotta get the bang for my buck!

So then I started thinking about other areas in my life when I settle for the puffiness over the content... like settling for a vanilla coke when I know I need to drink water, eating a dark chocolate Hershey bar instead of biting into the apple I brought from home, buying clothes from the cheap stores when I can save my money and spend it on items that will last me longer than one season or settling for relationships that leave me lost, insecure and empty.

False Fillers... those things that fill you up for the moment but leave you wanting... False fillers make you think you've got more than you really do... making you think that the empty voids are full... false fillers will leave you always craving more, never satiated, never content. You know... a lot of the foods we eat contain fillers. They bulk up the food. However, most fillers have little to no nutritional value...

I'm gonna be honest here... this here job I'm in... it's a false filler. It is a break off from the initial position I applied for 2 years before and didn't get. It wasn't the title nor the money that I longed for. And I can count how many days I've been happy or content... so I know it's time for me to move on...

This past weekend, I had some "me" time and when I woke up on Saturday morning I felt suffocated by the things surrounding me. Books, clothes, papers... things... and I knew it was time to clear out. So along with my belongings that simply filled up my space, I decided it was time to purge my closets and my dresser drawers... how many different black sweaters can I put on at one time? And how many do I need to look beautiful or feel sexy?

And purging always makes me feel good... the act of the and result after. So now my home is open, airy and spacious... and my life...

Well I no longer indulge in alcohol... a glass of wine here or there... but I don't drown my sorrows... I eat more whole & healthier foods... I read books with content... I watch TV shows that are entertaining and they feed my mind... I buy items that are worth their value and my relationships - my friendships and my courtships - bring me pleasure and satisfaction. I no longer desire the fluff and now that I've tasted the real deal, false fillers are recognizable and avoidable...

Happy Eating!!!

Eating is one of my favorite past times. I love bowling and the movies, museums and poetry spots but it's a grand time when a cool restaurant is also part of the itinerary.

I love good food... everyone does. Some of us eat more than others and that's evident by our varied sizes. But I experience something euphoric when I eat... I always bless my food and especially when I prepare my own meal, it is a spiritual event.

I don't eat meat. Ok, let me say that from time to time I will have fish. While no one believes me at first sight because I'm undoubtedly slim and trim, LOL, it is true... I prefer veggies and carbohydrates over meat. I always did, which is what made my transition to pescaterian easy.

Other than meat, there is no food that I will restrict myself to or from. I love eating foods from different cuisines. Indian food is my fave. Chinese food of course! There's a Chinese restaurant on every other corner... Mediterranean, Ethiopian... whatever it may be, I am open.

Eating is an intimate act. From the blessing of the food, to the opening of the mouth or the blowing on the food, the chewing, digesting and my personal touch spilling the food or sauce on my clothing... it's intimate! So while I am careful of what I eat, I am also careful about who I eat with. There is something that's part of a meal that makes it even more enjoyable... Good company.

One time I went out with a couple of co-workers for lunch. We went to a local pizza place and I ordered 2 delicious slices. Unfortunately one of my annoying co-workers blabbered and made racially insensitive comments the entire time. I do not argue or get angry over food so I ate in silence and I cannot tell you what I ate to this day. But I will tell you this, I will never eat with or near her again.

My grandfather used to say, "Watch who you eat with because unpleasant company will leave you with indigestion"... or in my case a bad memory and a grudge. And it's true that good food is always better with good company. With good company I can be paranoid about how clean my utensils are and ask for straws with every glass of whatever I order. Lemon on the side please... With good company I can request salad dressing separately and mayonnaise for my french fries. Good company doesn't question me when I order a simple salad because the menu is full of meaty meals or suggest that I pluck the meat out... I tried that :-(... unfortunately. I can accept when my company says K, K... and I know that that means to look for and wipe up the spillage on my shirt. But what makes me happy is knowing I can relax and enjoy every morsel of my meal so that at its conclusion, I am content, not needing or wanting more...

Rising Above

Four years ago, I went on a women's retreat with my church and one of the exercises that we took part in entailed us sharing an experience or a story with another woman and at the end of our sharing, giving... entrusting our heart to that woman. The cut out heart had our names on it and 4 years later, I still have Renee's heart.

Renee is almost 20 years older than me. I don't have too many friends in their 50s and if it were not for the church and this spiritual exercise we probably would not have even crossed paths. We have nothing much in common, except our church affiliation. Actually, if I tell the truth, Renee is someone I would have avoided at all costs and shunned if she bothered me.

For years Renee abused drugs. On Sunday mornings I would see her shuffling through the streets surrounding the church. She looked terrible. She had no concerns for herself or her family. She is now far removed from where she's been.

I have a cousin who abused drugs for years who just last week graduated from his sobriety program. Me and my mother attended. He was dressed to the 9s in a brand new suit, fresh hair cut and new suede shoes. Sharp! He even spoke at his graduation. He spoke of how he ruined his life, how God saved him and how proud his mother would be if she could see him now. I proudly sat there with tears in my eyes thinking of my aunt and how she prayed for years while he was incarcerated or while her furniture, food and money was stolen. My aunt attended Abyssinian Baptist Church back when Adam Clayton Powell was pastor and those Harlem church ladies wore some big ole hats. My aunt had so many... hat boxes on top of hat boxes and each and every one of them... gone. But now my cousin no longer steals but blesses back. When he brought my ticket to me, there was a $100 bill along with it. I know he deeply regrets what he did while abusing drugs and this was his attempt to give back.

I sit and wonder sometime about my church involvement. Am I going through the motions or does this "thing" really have an effect on me? Am I maturing spiritually or am I the same ole woman with the same ole issues? The fact that Renee is more than someone I share the pew with but a sister whose heart I hold, means that I have grown.

This coming Friday Renee has paid for my ticket and I am attending a "Clean and Sober" party with her. Last week, Thursday, me, my cousin and my mama tore the dance floor up at his graduation. I am so very proud of these two people... my family. They are stronger, wiser, better individuals and I'm so glad that I am able to see their turnaround.

We didn't all walk into the church holy and righteous. We all have our vices, some are just more noticeable than others. I know a lot of people are haughty and arrogant about their churches and their spirituality but it's more than dressy suits, shoes and hats. It's more than speaking correctly and sitting upright, pristine. And what kind of place would the church be if nobody had an past life or any tests in order to have a testimony? Even those who don't attend a church... we can miss out on great people and wonderful experiences but shunning those who lives don't mimic our own.

Flaws and All

My friend and I share a love of go-go music. When he came to NY for my birthday, he popped in a mixed CD and I fell in love with the go-go version of Beyonce's "Flaws and All". After I listened the song about 10 times, he turned to me and said, I think that's another one of our songs.

We have a list of songs... "Sweetest Taboo" by Sade, "Been So Long" by Anita Baker, "Silent Treatment" by The Roots, "Whatever You Want" by Tony, Toni Tone, "Without You" by Charlie Wilson and "Easy" by Lionel Ritchie... and each of those songs holds a special place for us.

A couple of weeks ago while watching Desperate Housewives, the episode when Lynette's breasts we're swelling from pregnancy and along with every man who came in contact with her, her husband was excited about her new look. But the truth is after the baby arrives her breasts will deflate and so she asks her husband why did he marry her knowing that he likes large breasts and her normal size comes up short. His response was he's glad that she doesn't normally have them or she'd be perfect (I'm paraphrasing here) and he needs her to have one flaw so that it's ok that he has so many.

So while my friend has attached this song to our connection... feeling for each other in spite of our shortcomings... "Flaws and All" is a personal song for me. For me, it means that I give myself a break for not being perfect, for being more emotional than rational at times, for my cellulite, my coarse and curly hair, for the corns on my pinkie toes, for not knowing everything and my memory lapses.

I know that God doesn't make any mistakes... he created me as I am... all of my perfect imperfections... So who am I to not understand, accept and love all of me... flaws and all...

If Prince Gave Me A Private Concert

This post idea came to me as I surfed the internet for the lyrics of one of my favorite Prince songs... Anotherloverholenyohead...

First off, if Prince gave me a private concert, it would definitely end with a happy ending. I'm just saying... I love Prince. Always have. Remember that Michael Jackson/Prince battle back in the 80s? I was rooting for Prince and for me he won. He may be effeminate to some but for me he's just plain ole sexy. There is something about them dudes (Prince & Andre Benjamin) but I don't doubt Prince's... ummm... sexability. Then after the concert, and the happy ending, I'd probably be unconscious or in bliss for days after that nobody would believe that Prince Rogers Nelson even gave me a private concert.

So if Prince ever came through my hood of the Bronx or invited me to Paisley Park... he'd have to sing...

The Marrying Kind

Do Me Baby

Pop Life

Call My Name

Anotherloverholenyohead

Do U Lie

I Wanna Be Your Lover

Insatiable

Nothing Compares 2 U

I Love U In Me

Diamonds & Pearls

Purple Rain

Take Me With U

I Feel For You

G.O.D.

Adore

When 2 R In Love

Now in whatever order he chooses to sing these songs, it's fine with me but I know he'd start out mellow, amp up to a easy dance groove and then end it with ballads and pure sensuality...

Freedom...

This time last year, with a heavy heart and reluctance, I ended a four-year committed relationship. It was a struggle for me... leaving the comfortable, the familiar, in search of... journeying to where...


I can tell you that my relationship was far from peaches or cream, for more that half of its span. We loved each other and we depended on each other but the connection that forms between lovers either never formed or was long ago broken and we never tried to fix it.


As we said our good-byes, that was our opportunity to make or break but neither one of us had the energy to give or the humility to admit our wrongs.


Another man had re-entered my life before my break-up and the possibility of being with him warmed my heart. Everything between me and him happened so fast. Within a day, we professed love. The connection I craved in my four-year relationship, I had in this new relationship instantly... we just didn't see the cracks nor the blemishes. But at first glance he was perfect, everything I dreamed of in a life partner, the answer to my silent prayers. But just like a rebound he slowly fizzled from my life.


It was then that I decided that I would remain single for the year or longer, if necessary... and as life would have it, another man re-entered my life. Now this involvement is so different than any other... it is far from fast paced and just the speed needed for me to clear my clutter, heal my heart and reconnect to all I lost and compromised from being committed. Oh I know that compromise and loss aren't necessarily the norm when you enter into loveship... I even forgot that loveship can be and should be easy.


It has taken me almost a year to find out that all I wanted and craved I couldn't find in a new relationship or with any man. It has taken me this long to see that money, nor any other things, places or people held the answers I sought. In fact leaving my relationship granted me freedom... I am free to think, feel, say, look, taste, touch, smile, laugh, play, sing, dance, write, read, pray... I am free to be neat, a slob, cook, don't cook, sleep, stay awake, clean up, stay dirty... I can and I do whatever I want... whatever I feel.

Freedom feels great! No, better than great... it's almost orgasmic! And now that I've got this chance to reclaim it, I savor it... and with my next go-round, I will be reluctant to release it... but my prayer is that with my next go-round, releasing it won't even be an option...

Being...

Around my birthday I went through the experience of losing my wallet that included my debit card, a couple of credit cards and my ID. I felt unbelievably vulnerable. I called my bank to check my bank balance only to find out that somebody went on a spending spree with my money. They were gracious enough to leave me with $5.22...

I was nervous about switching money around so that I can pay bills and keep myself afloat but I was reassured that my card was inactive and my account was safe.

However now I find myself broke... or as I told my friend last night BROKEN... I tell my peeps that I'm not broke unless I have less than $20 in my account. If I can still go to the ATM, I'm not broke and I know how make $5 go a long way. Well now I am BROKEN. That means less than my normal standard of less... but even as I use the word I know that I am all right...

I paid my bills. My rent is covered. I have food in my freezer and my cupboards. If worst comes to worst, I have good friends & family who I know will carry me... but I don't have to worry about that. In fact with me having just enough, I am satisfied. I feel free.

No I don't have the luxury of going out to eat... but I can throw down in my own kitchen... nor am I able to treat myself to the movies... but I have unwatched DVDs and Movies on Demand at home... I am unable to spend money unnecessarily... but when I had more than enough I can't say that I was overjoyed and overwhelmed with happiness. What I have been doing is being more creative, conserving and being aware. I have a closet full of clothes & shoes and I need for very little...

It's funny how life comes full circle... Sometimes it's a blissful breeze or it smacks you hard... I remember saying not long ago how I have been watching a lot of TV, not reading for fun and feeling out of sorts, unconnected... even to myself... Well now that I am going through this moment, I have been reading more, shutting my TV off, posting here ~*smile*~

I am compelled to get back to the basics of being... I could be pissed, mad at the world and complaining constantly about everything. However, when I weigh my circumstances I see that my blessings outweigh my disasters. So I am humbly, happily, truly being me.

I Tell The Business....

I don't do it purposefully or maliciously... but I tell my friend's business. I do.

I am sure we all do. You know how you're talking and someone says something and you chime in with... I have a friend who does that or went through that.

Well I do that sometimes too... but mostly, I share my friend's stories & experiences. I know, should they come through and read this, they won't appreciate me telling the business like I do but I can assure them... their story can and has made somebody else feel better.

Now I would and I do share my own experiences. Out of my co-workers and friend , I have dated the most and I think I have and give great dating advice. But just yesterday when I was talking about the types that I attract, I was gonna talk about the types that my friend DC attracts, which are hella better than mine. While I attract "potential dudes", my homie attracts "established dudes"... that's a post for another day. And to tell her business... but it doesn't matter what kinda dude she attracts, she likes girls now... See how effortlessly her story spills out of my mouth... or outta my mind and on to this blog...

I know it's wrong of me... and I credit myself on being a person who thinks before she speaks. I do choose my words wisely. But there are times... and those times are plenty... when some words spill forth...

Now I do have some colorful stories to share... and I do. Those who are close to me and even those not so close... get a dose of "life story". Sometimes my stories are hilarious and sometimes they are painful... however I get bored with my stories... and I find that my friend's experiences are much more extraordinary.

Should they share my stories, I wouldn't mind... but I know me telling their stories... without their permission is not always cool... and I have gotten reprimanded a time or two so I know it does cause a bother... So I stand convicted and I vow to be mindful...

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

I Know My Type...

I seem to attract 3 types of men...
This post idea came to me this morning as I am walking to the train station heading to work. I was about to turn the corner of my block when here he comes...

Now, I am a non-discriminating dater. I do, however, have a preference, the undeniable type that I am attracted to. But a dude who looks like the 2 above, but also gripping the hell out of a beer can, ashen and it's only 9:45 in the morning... not MY choice.

And I know before he even reaches me what he is going to say. Do you have a minute brutiful?, Can I leave you my number ma?, Have a good day gorgeous... I politely smile, tell him to enjoy his day and turn the corner.

Now there is a variant of this type that I also seem to attract... he has the potential to do great things. He's book smart. He finished high school... maybe... but right now? He's unemployed. He lives with his children's mother and also at his grandmama house when wifey is mad at him. He gives me his number on a paper bag and tells me not to call until next week when he adds minutes to his phone...

Once again... not necessarily bad dudes... just not the dudes FOR ME.

Now my 2nd type always makes me shake my head and sigh...

With a one-two glance, I can check a man and see if he has on a wedding band or if he has the tan line around his ring finger from wearing a wedding band... yet that never seems to stop this man from trying to holla. I am not interested in Mr. Married Man Single... I am not interested in being Ms. Sideline and I have no idea what vibes I am giving off but I desire a man of my own... not one I have to share.

And then there's my last type... This is an inside joke among my friends. You see, with my full hips and short stature (making me plus size) I already know I am not everybody's cup of tea... but when it comes to this man...

Oooh oooh Mr. Lover Man... Clive, Garfield, Donovan, Douglas, Elston, Rohan, Everton, Linford... or whatever his name may be... When I come 'round, my friends... (except for CB) don't. stand. a. chance. LOL
Now there is something sensual about a west indian man... I happen to be of west indian descent... and the combination of beautiful teeth, a deep voice and... the accent... is enough to make me swoon.

So... my type...? The ones I see and my heart beats double time...?

It is what it is...

Random Words I Type... Birthday Love...

I bask in the glow of turning 34...

I celebrated my birthday all weekend long... beginning when my friend arrived in town on Friday night... and then on Saturday with my awesome friends...

This was the 1st birthday I've ever had when I planned my very own outing. I usually stay low-key when my birthday comes around. I'll go to the movies, the spa, hang out with a friend or a love but never before have I planned something for me and my friends. When I turned 30, my ex planned my birthday celebration with a couple of close friends. That was nice and intimate... but this time I decided to do something fun, engaging... something I've never done...

Hookah!!!This here is me and my co-worker, my partner in crime, my play sister, play cousin, my ace, CB. See the boobies? It was their birthday celebration too! LOL - do you see the hookah pipe? I would have posted a pic of me and my guy but he insisted that I do not post of pic of him on my blog. Boooo to him. But he's the one who took this pic of us...

For those who don't know hookah is a water-pipe filled with fruit and a mild tobacco. I found this fabulous hookah lounge in the West Village and we passed the pipe with some fresh pineapple. It was wonderful! And to top the night... a belly dancer graced us with a performance... one of my friends let her know that it was my birthday and she called me up to dance... I had to show and prove! LOL


On Sunday, my actual birthday, after going to church, me and my friend enjoyed an intimate seafood dinner at one of my favorite seafood restaurants. "We must have oysters", he told me, "They're aphrodisiacs", he explained... and we dined on raw oysters, clams, fried calamari and red sangria...


I truly enjoyed my birthday and the celebration continues for the entire month of October... this birthday has been so lush, so decadent, and overwhelming. I'm grateful for another year of life. I am grateful for a plethora of blessings. I received numerous cards and gifts from my friends and most of all, I was and still am filled to overflowing with love.

Rest In Peace

Random Words I Type

It's been a while since I posted and a really long while since I've created a random post. So much going on and I haven't taken the time to really blog at work because f.acebook is my current method for getting me through the day and when I get home sitting in front of my computer is not appealing.

*I have been watching a lot of TV lately. I used to not be a big TV watcher... so that means that I haven't been reading any books, I haven't been blogging, I haven't been reading a whole lot of other bloggers, I haven't been active and in a sense I've been out of touch... even with myself :-(

*Summer TV was GREAT! The Closer (even though I didn't care for the season finale), Weeds, Nurse Jackie (hilarious!), HawthoRNe, Leverage and Dark Blue... I cannot forget True Blood. Whew!

*With my birthday (YEAH ME!) approaching in the next 2 1/2weeks I feel this crunch within... I want to celebrate big but then again, I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of my birthday. Just my quirkiness I suppose. I prefer to make all plans and then if people want to drop by and help me celebrate, then great. I know I'll feel differently once October 4th arrives.

*My "friend" is visiting me for my birthday weekend... actually he's going to be spending about 4 days with me and I'm anxious about it. We have not spent 4 consecutive days together. When we visit each other, we always take a day or a few hours off from each other to have for ourselves. Since he's from NY he goes to visit family and I have family in his area so I visit mine. However, this visit will be different...

*I am excited about turning 34. I am excited about my friend visiting me. I am planning something special for us and, in a sense, it makes me happy to plan a surprise for him during my weekend celebration.

*Today... actually yesterday, was the 1st time in 2 years that my supervisor said "thank you". I could have collapsed. It came at such a stressful moment as well as right before I whipped out my flash drive to update my resume.

*Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He doesn't read my blog but I shout out to the universe Happy B'earthday TD!!! I already sent him a text so he got my message.

*I agree with you President Obama, Kanye West is a jackass. LOL I love how Mr. Obama is so opinionated & may this be one comment he doesn't take back, offer a bud light & an apology to smooth over.

Okay, I'm done with the randoms... for now... I'm going to try to stay up and watch Oprah's, part II interview of Whitney... more TV watching... however, this has sparked something in me... I think... more blog posts, more blog posts...

Note From The Universe

It's been a while since I've posted one of these and when this one came through as an email message, it really spoke to my soul and confirmed some things for me. So here goes....


Young souls get angry at others.
Old souls get angry at themselves.
But really wise souls have already turned the page.

Got forever and ever?
The Universe

www.tut.com

Somebody's daughter

I love a little gossip... the surface story... a little headline...

Common & Serena Williams
Halle Berry is expecting again

I could really care less about the details. Celebrity life is no different from yours or mine, it's just on public display. However I came across a story today that disturbed me.

Maia Campbell was a sitcom and music video star in the 90s when she suddenly dropped from the starlight. She wasn't a huge star to be missed by the masses however lately she's making a comeback in the media gossip mainstream.

Footage of Maia, which may or may not be recent, can be found all over the web. She's cursing, slightly incoherent and her appearance is sub-par. You may have heard of her mother , author Elizabeth "Bebe" Moore Campbell who passed away in 2006. She wrote a book back in 2003 titled 72 Hour Hold. I have always speculated that the character in the book, Trina, is really Maia. Trina has bipolar disorder and the book details her mother's struggles to cope with Trina's illness.

The idiot who videoed her, or better put, exploited her, propositioned her for oral sex and laughed at her strange behavior. The bloggers have labeled her as a prostitute, a meth addict, a crackhead. The driver of the car she sat in berated her for causing a scene when it was the exploiter who provoked her. Is she high on drugs? Is she prostituting as the gossip blogs suggest? That's NOT what I saw in the clip.

There is nothing fascinating about that video. It's not entertainment. It's exploitation, plain and simple. I didn't see a crackwhore acting crazy. I saw a young woman who is not well, in need of help.

My prayer is that the video is not recent. My prayer is that Maia is getting help. My prayer is that someone knows and finds the cowards who videoed her.

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T.O.N.Y.

Yesterday as I sat at my desk, at work, listening to Pandora when T.O.N.Y comes on. The song is sung by Solange Knowles off of her Sol-Angel & the Hadley St. Dreams LP. It starts with a niiiiiice beat and then the first line kicks in..

"TO.N.Y don't call no more... "

And like most things, nowadays, I am reminded on my friend... We're actually more than friends but not too heavily invested to give each other titles. But I decided to give him a new nickname...

Tony is not at all like the man Solange sings about... no he's not a one night stand, he's not some random dude, he actually does care about me... my "Tony" just has some T.O.N.Y qualities.

"T.O.N.Y don't call no more"
We actually "speak" daily and it may be in the form of an instant message or an email or via telephone but I prefer to hear his voice, his laughter (not LOL) and I want him to hear me...

"T.O.N.Y don't care no more"
Well see Tony lives a billion miles away, which is why speaking on the phone isn't always the best option and we're not on the same cell phone network... (there's no free mobile-to-mobile) And he really does care about me. He shows me daily... but I'm greedy & selfish. I've got to admit it.

"T.O.N.Y wasn't just some regular guy"
Tony was a high school sweetie. He's a few of years older and he graduated before me. We fell out of touch after high school and recently reconnected through facebook. To him I was always a little girl, someone he was interested in and couldn't understand why... and for me... well... Tony was my dream come true...

"I could have been in love by now... if it wasn't for T.O.N.Y"
See this is the deal... I'm in NY and he lives out of state... a good long drive, bus ride or even plane ride out of state. With all of my possibilities here, where I live, where I can interact with, actively date someone, if I wanted to, and lay my hands, lips & eyes on.... I choose Tony.

I choose Tony, not as some redemptive involvement where I am trying to get that ole thang back, rekindling my high school flame, basking in my hey day... The grown woman me appreciates the older, wiser and grounded Tony. Newer, improved, refined.

I choose Tony, not for the butterflies in my belly feeling, the giddy laughter we share or the high school memories we have in common. There's so much more.

"But I really like T.O.N.Y"

Through the long distance phone lines and the monthly visits we both take, Tony gives me more than I've ever had, in any man I've ever shared myself with. One example of this is... you know how Steve Harvey talks about the 3 P's that a man offers (Profess, Protects & Provides), in his book Act Like A Lady..., he exemplifies those virtues. And I have never experienced all 3 virtues in one man. And I appreciate it. A lot.

The time we take to talk, listen and understand, the layers we've uncovered and the honesty we've communicated... we both treat this like a beautiful treasure, a precious pearl... more than a 2nd chance, more like a new beginning.

We're both aware that if one of us does not relocate that what we have can only last for so long. Although he takes me to visit libraries in his city when I visit and emails me job opportunities often, we're both not sure about uprooting our lives and we're still new, in a sense, but we're open.

In Solange's song, T.O.N.Y is more like an impulse, a sidetrack, a mistake. But everything about me and my Tony is purposeful, thought out, rational. Tony is my conscious choice and no matter what happens, we enjoy our time, creating new memories, a seized opportunity, rediscovered passion...

Mr. Hill Harper

One day... a number of years ago... me and DC (my sister-girlfriend) were sitting in D.allas B.BQ, the one on 72nd Street, near The Dakota, a famous New York landmark... also well known as the residence of John Lennon. As we sat eating, the waiter comes over and asks us the name of the actor who was seated behind us. Quickly we twisted our necks and what came out of of mouths was more than his name but a chant, that is now burned in our brains....

Hill Harper, Hill Harper,
Hill Harper

Also known to me and DC as the Hill Harper song...

Then he was an actor on City of Angels and starring in movies such as "In Too Deep" but Hill is currently making his mark as an inspirational speaker and author, not to mention playing the part of Dr. Sheldon Hawkes on CSI: NY.

I admire Hill... Along with being an accomplished actor, he has a JD and an MPA but chooses to act and to bring awareness to the issues of young people, encouraging them through his publications. I am anticipating his new title... The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships to be released on September 8, 2009.

Tell Him... Validation

The other day I was having a conversation with my brother. He tells me of one afternoon when he and his wife were sitting on the couch, enjoying a movie. A question rose within him and he turns to his wife and asks.. "Am I your prince?". Her response to him was... "If you gave me what I want, when I want it, however I may want it, then you'd be my prince. So to answer your question... No, you're not." My brother was devastated. I was hurt just from listening to him retell the story. I really wanna choke out his wife but... The therapist in me asks... "Well, how did that make you feel?" His response was... "Insignificant" (I am paraphrasing, just so you know). We continued talking and he goes on to tell me that all he wanted in that moment was to be validated.

"Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and

Tell him..."

We've all been there... asking our lovers, partners, "How do I look today?", "Am I pretty?", "Am I fine?", "Do I captivate you?". Sometimes we doubt ourselves, question our worth, question what we're giving to the relationship and we ask questions like, "Am I all you ever wanted?", "Do I make you happy?", "Are you satisfied?", "Content?". For some who've been going through hell in their personal lives and in their relationships, we long to hear reassurances, validations, just a little something to provide some wind to our wings.

I wished like hell my brother would have married a woman who would have said to him... "Prince? To hell with that! You're my King! You are beyond that!" Everybody at some point wants to feel like they are top shelf, first choice, the King/Prince... Queen/Princess in someone's life. While me and my brother talked, I reassured him, reminding him of the qualities he brings to the marriage, reminding him that he's a good man... but I know he didn't care to hear that from his little sister.

We finally got off the phone and I thought it over for days after... Of course I was fuming because no one messes with my big bro, not even his wife... but then my compassionate side spoke and said to me... She does not know how...

"Now I may have faith to make mountains fall

But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all

I can give away everything I possess

But left without love then I have no happiness

I know I'm imperfect & not without sin

But now that I'm older all childish things end

And tell him..."

I want to believe that if she knew what he wanted to hear, she would have answered that question differently. I want to believe that she's got her issues that does not allow her to address the emotional needs of her husband... And let's face it, it's hard to believe that men even have an emotional side. Women are the emotional species and men are the rational, devoid of emotion. We assume that because they are physically stronger, they are emotionally strong too. That's simply not the case.

Men need to be encouraged just as women do. They want compliments, support, and affection. They may not ask for it or demand it like a woman does... but when we love them, we must love them as we love ourselves...

"Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright"

Music Backdrop: "Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill

Stop The World

For the past few weeks I have been extremely frustrated with my life. At this age and season of my life, I imagined things would be different for me… husband, 2.5 children, my own home, 2 cars, the picture perfect existence. Instead of me owning my life as it is, I’ve been asking myself “what if” questions, wondering if, somewhere through my twists and turns, did I take a wrong spin and mess everything up?

I imagine myself like the half earthling, half alien Evie in the 80s TV show Out of This World with the ability to stop and restart time… I’d go back to 1998 and begin again… or like Michael Newman in the movie Click, armed with a universal remote… I can stop, start, rewind and fast forward time… But the problem with both of these characters is that… they are both fictional and even if I could press one button and stop time, I’d be missing precious moments, memories, intricate pieces of life.

During one of my early heartbreaks, I climbed in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and allowed sleep to overtake me. I remember it being cloudy outside when I went to sleep but when I awoke many hours later it was sunny, my mother had gotten up, gone to work, and had returned back home, I missed a day of school and a new day was on the horizon. In my youth I really thought that by pulling the covers over my head I could stop the world but when I uncovered my head it was clear to me that the world never stops no matter how good or bad I may be feeling.

I remember these moments now… but for the past few weeks I’ve caused arguments, been resentful and sometimes evil. But like a bolt, it hit me… Last night I was out with friends, celebrating a birthday. We went to S.O.B.’s, a popular NY club, and it was salsa night… in all of my years of dancing, I’ve never taken salsa. Surrounded by happy people, dj’ed and live music, delightful drinks and dancing bodies, I gave myself over to the moment and danced. I danced hard and free to Cuban salsa, Jamaican reggae and Brazilian samba. Sure when I got home and turned the key, I greeted my empty abode and there was no one waiting there for me… I choose not to wallow in my circumstances, not to look at my life with regret, not to play “what if” games but to embrace my season right where I am and focus on the richness of my life.

My life is very full… yes I am single and childless but I am employed and I have some financial security. I am open to live, create and recreate as I please. At times loneliness hits me and I long for a companion but being single ain’t bad at all… the agony comes when I’m attempting to not be single.

I choose to let go… to not live in the past with the “what ifs” and no matter how powerful I think I may be, I cannot stop the world. So as the world keeps turning, I am encouraged and strengthened to keep on moving, keep on laughing, keep on achieving, keep on living, keep on loving…

Hearing Voices

Don't laugh and please don't look for the NYC mobile crisis number... I'm okay!
But lately I've been hearing voices...

The other day me and my co-worker decided we wanted fish for lunch. Mc.Donald's filet-o-fish just wasn't gonna cut it so we decided to venture a few blocks over and take some extra lunch time and have some fish ala R.uby T.uesdays. De-li-cious! I was pleased me with my lunch selection and so was she. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, exactly how I wanted it.

But not everything that I want is so easily within my reach. If all I had to do was make a little time and spend the money for what I wanted, I'd be one happy woman.

Having what I want, when I want it, in the shape and function that I want it in and not being able to have it is frustrating... fresh tears have been spilling forth from my eyes and a heavy desire has been rising in my chest. I can visualize my dreams, precisely as I want them, yet they are out of my grasp.

I have been retracking my life, thinking perhaps I missed my opportunity to have what I want, maybe I need to redirect my focus, but that's extremely hard because I have this longing in my heart. The other night I sighed heavily. I shook my head in irritation and decided to go to bed early... well earlier than my normal 1 am bedtime. I had a lot on my mind and it tired me.

Today I was in a mall shopping with a friend. I can't recall the isle or the section of the store I was in when I heard the voice. I can't even remember what I was thinking about at the moment. All I know is I looked behind me because for a second I didn't realize that the voice wasn't from behind me but rose from within me.

The voice said one word to me and that one word quieted my disturbance and gave me a newfound commitment to having what I so profoundly want.

Patience.

Patience doesn't mean procrastination. Patience does not mean pause. Patience goes along with perseverance and persistence. I am motivated and rejuvenated to continue my quest of catching my dreams.

I'm not crazy! Oh I'm sure at times I suffer from some sort of psychosis, however at that moment that "patience" rang within my ears, I was completely and totally sane... and continue to be.

I Keep... Words I Type 2007 -

I'M LATE, I'M LATE!!!! For my very own blog anniversary celebration...! So much is going on around me that I did not get around to posting on the actual day. Yet I didn't forget. August 10th is embedded in my memory.

Well it's been 2 years since WordsIType has been in the blog-o-sphere... On a whim, I started this blog. The writer in me wanted to open forum to share my stories, my explore the thoughts in my head, and connect with others.

Music means so much to me. I always have a theme song and most of my posts evolve out of some song I relate to. And so the background music for this here is "I Keep" by Jill Scott.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too

Moving, pressing and striving: If ever there was a time that I am moving, pressing and striving, it is now! Complacency has no place in me and there is more to be seen, heard, done and so I am keeping on.


Laughing, living, loving: If you ever meet me and we have a moment to laugh, you will hear one of the biggest laughs. I love to laugh, I laugh daily. My friend sent me a text one day and the text read... "I have breath for you." I was confused and he clarified for me... "to breathe is to live, to live is to love and so I have breath for you". I loved it! And so living and loving go hand in hand... each day, in every way, I live and love. Yeah!


Dreaming, achieving and believing: With my journal in hand, I wake up each day and write. My initial entries are usually the dreams I dreamt from the night before. I have some very lovely dreams... but then there are the dreams that I want to turn into achievements such as getting a 3rd degree, elevating higher in my career, forming a family of my own, creating my legacy. And everyday I believe and my belief gets stronger day by day...



Smiling & crying: This is funny... but lately I have been smiling & crying. That's what life and love will do sometime... place things in my heart that makes you smile and cry. My nickname as a youngster was Smiley because well after the joke was said, my smile would linger. I love the feeling of smiling, the outward expression of pleasure& happiness that resonates within my heart... and lately I've come to embrace crying... when I need to. Crying is necessary for cleansing and for strengthening. "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."



And so I Keep... I keep writing, I keep posting, I keep reading... I plan to add to that... publishing. I'm still here and I'm going to keep on pressing... I keep on sharing, I keep on growing... There is so much more to come!

Infinite Possibilities...

Luv had this tag over on her blog and then The True Urban Queen also fulfilled her tag. I decided to post one as well.

I say it often enough that I am a fan of Amel Larrieux. Her vocals, her lyrics are divine. You can jam to the jazzy beat and receive a message through her words. In my opinion, that's how music is supposed to be!

She's not as popular as some neo-soul artists. Maybe she couldn't sell out big arenas but those who dig her, will dig her 20 years after her days with Groove Theory and her first solo recording. I can only speak for me... and my music collection is not complete until Amel's music is included... Here goes my post...


Pick your Artist:
Amel Larrieux

Are you a male or female:
“Beyond”

Describe yourself:
“Searchin’ For My Soul”

How do you feel:
“Get Up”

Describe where you currently live:
“Sweet Misery”

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
“Mountain of When”

Your favorite form of transportation:
“Magic”

Your best friend?
“Dear To Me”

You and your best friends are:
“All I Got”

What's the weather like:
“Weather”

Favorite time of day:
“Morning”

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
“Even If”

What is life to you:
“Just Once”

Your relationship:
“For Real”

Your fear:
“Trouble”

What is the best advice you have to give:
“Infinite Possibilities”

Thought for the Day:
“Shine”

How I would like to die:
“Sacred”

My soul's present condition:
“INI”

My motto:
“We Can Be New”

Happy Friday people!!! Have a wonderfully blessed, beautiful weekend!

My Big Ego... Honest Scrap Award

Okay so the rules were for me to...

(1) Brag about it..
Wait! Hold up! My background music is playing...
"Usually I'm humble, right now I don't choose..." I've been awarded with this high and mighty award because... I am all that. Yep that's it and you know it! Ok really, I am honored, to receive The Honest Scrap Award. Thank you Luv. But still...

"I got a big ego, such a huge ego, such a huge ego
I love my big ego, it's too much
I walk like this 'cause I can back it up"

(2) Choose seven blogs I find brilliant and link to them, and..
Since my girls, True Urban Queen & Lovebabz, have been tagged, I shall tag Insatiable One & Kay C The QuietStorm. Yes I know that's only 2 blogs but it's my choice. So there!

(3) List 10 honest things about myself
Okay now... Brace yourself. I'm about to go deep so hol' on! LOL

My 10 Honest Things

1. You can call me Cougar. I adore the young male population. Not too young! I don't rob cradles! But there is something stimulating about a young face, a broad back and... stamina. Whew!

2. I got a potty mouth. However, I do not curse at church or work... well I don't curse in front of my boss... all of the time.

3. I made a promise to this man... that no matter what, no matter the distance, the time, the space, or circumstance... I would be available for intimacy with him. Now, why in the hell would I make a stupid @$$ promise like that?!?!

4. If you call my phone and have a gut feeling that I'm available yet I'm pressing the ignore button or if you call my home and feel that I'm looking at the caller ID, you're probably correct. I'm a recluse sometime. It's not personal.

5. For the 1st time in my life I am going to be a maid of honor. My best friend is getting married and I bullied and threatened her before she chose me to be her maid of honor or as the yardis call it, I'm the Chief. To think... she was considering some-body-else!

6. I have never been pregnant. It just recently amazed the hell out of my OB-GYN. Thanks Dr. Frey, you made me feel super!

7. I snore. Just yesterday I woke myself up with my own melodic hum. It was hilarious!

8. I am paranoid. A lot. About all things. I force myself to pray and make sure that my life insurance is up to date.

9. Once upon a time... I questioned my sexual orientation. However I am a bonafide pansexual... I'm just joking! Really! However I did question my sexuality and may have explored it in depth. May have...

10. I believe that anything is possible. I believe in miracles. I believe in grace and mercy. I believe in karma. I believe in love and I believe that love, indeed, conquers all.

Pacing Myself...

Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.

I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...

Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.

The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.

I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.

Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.

I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...


*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison