A New Me

Aisha Elderwyn
"Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself."

I struggle with this last post of 2007 and I struggle with my New Year's resolution. I still make year end/year beginning resolutions even though I resolve to do things differently in my life almost everyday but it's something about the end of the year. I reflect upon the months that have passed and can only wish for better things ahead. For instance, by the time I remove my winter coats in the Spring of '08, it is my plan to have shed around 20 pounds, hopefully more than that. But just in case, I remove my coat and I put on lighter weight jackets and I haven't lost the poundage as I anticipated, I still want to be all right, feel fabulous and exude confidence.

The quote above appealed to me mostly because I've tried ridding myself of bad spending habits, negative people, unhealthy eating, clearing out my physical spaces and usually by March of the new year, everything I'd hoped to put into practice, is not. Some things have become part of my routine. But this year is different for me. I love me and I just want to be a better me.

By challenging myself to be myself, I want to:

Mean what I say and say what I mean
If I say I'm trying to save money so that I can move from the hood, then I can't do a whole lot of overspending and if I really mean to fit into that smaller size, then I have to dust off the stationary bike and ride.

Be assertive and speak up for myself
This is an issue for me because I'm the baby of my family and during my younger years I was taught to be seen but not heard from my older siblings. Now that I'm older, I still fall into my role as the youngest and fall silent when my older siblings are around. However this creates distress for me because I have so much to say and darn it I want to, strike that, I need to be heard!

Acting Out
Action is thinking and speaking in motion. This upcoming year I want to do things I have not done before. I want to take the vacation that I yearn for. And I want to set limits for other people in my life. I can run myself ragged doing everything for everyone else but I need to carve out some personal time just for me.

Clearing Out
I've yet to clear my closet of all of my cheap shoes that hurt my feet but I also want to clear out those areas of my life where I doubt myself, I self-criticize, and self-deprive. I deserve the best, the best shoes, the best foods and my own time and attention.

Fortunately I love all of the people in my life, or now would be the time that you'd be fired-lol. But really, I am surrounded by friends who give of themselves and I can only hope that I offer my best to each and every one of them. And by friends I mean the ones I see and my blogmates. A list wouldn't be a list if I didn't shout y'all out...

The Immediate Fam
Mommy - As I've grown, she has accepted and loved me and still mothers me. I appreciate everything about her.
MB (My Mate) - You made a promise to me in the beginning of our relationship and through years, the ups and the downs, you've kept your word. I love you, I am devoted to you and as we embark on our third year and approaching anniversary (January 1st), you still amaze me. May we continue to get betterer and betterer.
DC - We may not talk everyday but when we do it's always on time and I love ya!
Boom - You're my oldest friend. All we seem to do lately is email and text but that's okay because I so appreciate you.
CLily - My voice of reason and my constant email friend.
CeCe - You started as my cyber sis but since you like to travel from Cali to NY, we've become actual friends too.

The Co-Workers
Miss-Stress - If I didn't have you to be vulnerable around, I would probably sit at my desk and just cry and that would be stress because I can only tear from one eye-lol. You know me better than most because I can't seem to keep my mouth shut around you but you do and I love you for it because if you told my business, I'd beat you down.
JT - When you visit, you always bring compliments and jokes. You know I love to laugh and so do you. You're the best!
Ms. Liryc - "You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day" - I know you know where those lyrics come from - lol. You're cool peoples and I luv ya!
FP - You're my friend, my coulda been husband if we met a lifetime ago, you insult me, harass me and just plain get on my nerves with your testosterone driven self!
Virgo - There are no words to describe you - oh wait! - you're complicated and simple at the same time, elusive and observant. Most of all, we are two people who truly sow the seeds of friendship.

The Bloggers
Don - Minus the Bars
Skinny Black Girl
DeepNThought
Honey Libra
Opinionated Diva
Queen of My Castle
Muze

Peace, blessings to each of you, be safe, enjoy the celebrations and may each of you "live each day with zest, daily grow and try to be your highest and your best". HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Loving the Bad Guys

I just finished watching "Four Brothers" for about the 19th time. I love this movie mainly because I have a private love affair with Andre Benjamin and a budding romance with Tyrese Gibson but tonight, oh tonight, I sat staring at the screen at Chiwetel Ejiofor who played hustler Victor Sweet.

I'm enthralled during the scene when Victor's peoples are eating in the restaurant, the big old dark-skinneded dude, Evan, is sitting in Victor's chair and Victor walks over like some fat cat and goes on his spiel about hiring in-town killers vs. out of town killers and that big dude picks up his fork and eats from his plate - stoopid. Victor catches the dude and orders him to eat his food off of the floor and when Evan's woman protests, he orders the both of them to eat. OH! In a low guttural voice he says: "Lap that ish up good."

And also when the councilman comes to his home and Victor orders him to sit at the children's table, how humiliating. Then he tells one of his workers that he's send him on some out of town work so he can teach his woman some tricks, oh the shame.

Now I sit on my couch, slouched down low, biting my bottom lip. Chiwetel usually plays the corny dude. I've seen him in American Gangster with Denzel Washington and Talk to Me with Don Cheadle but in Four Brothers his character is charming, sexy even, like Nino Brown in New Jack City, like Alonzo Harris in Training Day, Tony Montana in Scarface. Even though these men are so, so bad - they are arrogant, killers, thieves, disrespectful to women, we love these movie bad guys anyway.

But that's exactly why these characters appeal to us and win us over. They exude extreme confidence and complete disregard for societal constraints. What woman does not want a take charge man? What man doesn't want these same qualities himself?

And as sexy as these characters are, when we imagine having that type of man in our lives, we always say the same thing, "he's not going to disrespect me"... and that's because we think we've got the power and know-how to change his evil ways. Women love nice guys, the ones who treat us with respect and actually want relationships but at times they pale in comparison.

I've had my share of bad guys and I can't say that I miss them much but I do occasionally sit and sigh at the memories. One such memory is from high school. I was dating this really nice guy, Sherwyn is his name and he was as in love with me as high school boys can be. He brought me stuffed animals and designer clothes - he had a part-time job. He picked me up and walked me to all of my classes, just so sweet. But my heart laid with this Queens Cat who played games, toyed with my heart and ran in and out of my life. One day as I sat outside leaning up against my boyfriend in front of the school, here comes Queens Cat who walks up to me and tongue kisses me right in front of Sherwyn. My eyes are closed, I'm clutching my chest and trying to get my breath back. With a sorta kinda smirk I get it together and I apologize to my boyfriend and you know what he said to me? "It's all right". What kind of man says "it's all right" after his girlfriend is mixing saliva with some other dude, right in his space, because you know that there is no way that a tongue kiss can take place without 2 participating parties...

Me and Sherwyn broke up. Me and Queens Cat eventually drifted apart and stopped playing the good girl/bad guy games. Now that I think about it, before me and Queens Cat distanced ourselves, we actually became an item, I want to believe exclusively, and I thought to myself then that I had won such a wonderful prize except that QC wasn't much of a prize at all and for once I was the one to walk away from him. Leaving him questioning me with a little less ego and cockiness.

Whatever Feels Good For The Soul

It's nearing the end of the year. Christmas is 6 days away. I simply love this holiday time. I also love cleaning. Purging. Getting rid of the old and getting on with the new.
I usually cut people out of my life. I start with the cell phone and start deleting names. I travel to email and delete messages and people's email addresses. Then if they happen to call me or see me, I let them know that this year they haven't kept their end of the bargain and it's pink slip time. A friend or 3 of mine with perseverance for my immature tactics know how I roll.
But this year, I have not spent a lot of time thinking about my friends or my expectations of them. Instead I've been looking at me, my habits, my craziness and I've been sorting out and tossing out.

I've learned that:

I have no control over outside forces...

• The trains, the weather and especially people. I wouldn't even be comfortable with myself if I could control anything other than me. It takes the joy out of everything rather than feeling the jitters, the anxiety, the surprise.

To be honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself...

• The question that pops in my mind with this statement is "Who do I think I'm foolin'?" It's easy to blend it rather than be honest with yourself and stand alone but there comes a time when you have to be honest with yourself, confident in yourself and throwing out pessimism. When doing so, it becomes easier to relate and tell your own truth.

Buying quality trumps buying quantity

• In my case, I buy some cheap behind shoes. I cry for the days when Parade of Shoes was on each and every corner and when I found out that the parent company Payless was taking over, I knew then that I should not buy. But nooooooooo. So I've subjected my precious toes and emerging callouses to the cheap alternative. The simple and plain of it is, my dang feet hurt! So I'm expecting to have 3 garbage bags full of cheap shoes. The bags aren't all that big...

I have a resolution list emerging in my head and in my journal... But I think I want to focus more on Suze Orman's 8 Qualities of a Wealthy Woman...

Jealous Green

Jealousy.... It's in my Libra nature, I think. I try to bind it up but every now and then that green little creature creeps up on me. In my reality, jealousy is human nature. I hear people say all the time that they are not jealous but everyone at some moment is gripped by those tiny green digits.

In the year 2000, Erykah Badu, released her Mama's Gun CD. The longest song and probably the most personal was Green Eyes..."My eyes are green, Cause I eat a lot of vegetables..." Ms. Badu sangs her way through her issues with her boyfriend evolving ex-boyfriend having a "new friend". True to the stages of grief and death, what I love about this song is the movements. Movement I is Denial. Movement II is Acceptance. Movement III is Relapse.

Now relapse is not one of the stages of grief and death, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, but I could not understand how she skipped stages 2 to 4... Anger, Bargaining and Depression. What happened to being mad with that man for cheating, for leaving the relationship? A break-up is not complete until you beg and bargain for the lovin', "Don't leave me, we can still have an open relationship". And after you've said all you can say and cried and he's not hearing your pleas over the clap of the next woman's booty... when he says "no" and it really means no and not maybe, then that there depression envelopes you. That's when you take the good long look in the mirror, see the back fat that wasn't there before the relationship began and realize that your good just is not good enough for him anymore. That's when you spend money needlessly on scents, lotions, pocketbooks, make-up, shoes, brownies... no help for the back fat. But as time wavers, you begin to feel the relief, the tension ease, remnants of too much sugar on the tongue, and the depression lifts just enough for acceptance to come right on through. It's easy to see how Silly E. Badu can relapse when she didn't spend time mulling over the necessary stages.

Green is one of my favorite colors. It's the color of money, health, growth. But it's also used when referring to someone young or someone who is ill. So for the sake of this post, I will refer to jealousy being an emotion that is just a healthy process for growth, that is if you want to learn the lesson rather than having a green tinted pity party.

Erykah sang... "I'm insecure, But I can't help it, My mind says move on, My heart lags behind, But I don't love you any more, I'm so insecure, Never knew that love did this..."

Even in the most stable relationships, I sometimes feel insecure. This year has truly been a year for self-discovery and maturity and I had to learn that jealousy and most of my emotions come from within. Yeah it took 32 years to realize that those menacing people in my life are not to blame for each and everything going on with me. Of course I'm just joking. There are not a lot of menacing people in my life but I did stop pointing the finger outward and started looking within for the inward discord. I can't blame him or her for the wrongs when I've either given them authority in my life or I didn't make a certain decision and lived by default.

Life is all about choices and even emotions are all about choices. I believe in giving in to what you are feeling. If I'm mad, to heck with the person trying to bring me out of it. When I'm sad, I want to cry, roll all around the floor but I don't want anyone telling me to get over it. And if I happen to be jealous about something, for me it's not usually someone, I want to dance with that green creature until my acceptance, confidence comes riding up on a great white horse to rescue me.

These are a few of my favorite things...

My Favorite Beverages...

• Water
• Coffee with cream & lots of sugar
• Screwdrivers

My Favorite Authors (to date)...

• Bernice L. McFadden books and her alter-ego Geneva Holliday
• Shawne Johnson (Getting Our Breath Back) - This book took my breath a-way
• Walter Mosley... Can't believe Easy is gone

My Favorite Colors...

• Red
• Black
• Green

My Favorite Movies...

• The Color Purple
• Purple Rain
• Claudine

My Favorite Lyrics...

• "What you want might make you cry, What you need might pass you by, If you don't catch it, And what you need ironically, Will turn out what you want to be, If you just let it"- Lauryn Hill, "When It Hurts So Bad"
• “If'n nobody told ya brotha, I'm here to let you know that, You're so wonderful, You're so marvelous, You're so beautiful, Splendid, You're fabulous, Brilliantly blessed in every way, Ya'll can't touch we” –Jill Scott, "Brotha"
• “What goes around, comes around, What goes up, must come down, Things you do, come back to you” –Angie Stone, "No More Rain (In This Cloud)"

My Favorite Quotes...

• "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." -Maya Angelou
• "Love... It surrounds every being and extends slowly to embrace all that shall be." -Kahlil Gibran
• "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." -Oprah Winfrey

Comfy Thursday

Today was snowy, wet, slushy and there was nothing more I wanted but some comfort. Instead I went to work and was so grateful that my supervisor left before lunch, one of my co-workers called in sick, one co-worker, Saki, left and didn't even say "Peace", and that left me with my closest co-worker/ associate/sister-friend and when me and her get to chit-chatting, no work gets done.

I'm grateful for...

• God and his tremendous blessings



• My co-worker, C.B., for her ear, her shoulder, her understanding, her friendship



• Quiet time after 4:00 pm so I can listen to some tunes and center my thoughts



• These beautiful flowers left by my "secret admirer" on the job



• The Alicia Keys, "As I Am" CD

"Wreckless Love"

Let's go back in time/When seeing your ID on mine/Made me crazy/Ooh baby I'm saying

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

I'm talking bout/Back in time/When you wanted to know my every move/Tired to keep it smooth/Keepin' up with me/You drove me crazy ohh baby

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

When you/Didn't know me/Didn't need me/I wanted to touch me/Couldn't leave me/I couldn't know how/Far it would go/I couldn't know if /This was for sure
We just could not/We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go


Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

Let's go back in time/When our kiss was brand new/An adventure not perfected/A little hesitant

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

Take it back in time/When forever was a minute, and eternity was a second/I'm stressing that we have to go back there/Let's take it there.

When you/Didn't know me/Didn't need me/I wanted to touch me/Couldn't leave me/I couldn't know how/Far it would go/I couldn't know if
This was for sure/We just could not/We just could not get enough of it baby , let's go

Have that wreckles love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

Ooh baby, let's go

Have that wreckles love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

The Romanticism of the Affair: This Woman's View

Every woman I know dreams of running off into the sunset with the picture perfect Morris Chestnut, abandoning all sense of reality and responsibility and living happily with every single one of our needs met. Who wants to deal with the everyday things such as work and worries, obligations, children, washing, cooking, cleaning and providing for someone else? And don’t let that person or persons be unappreciative because then we start to resent everything, all of the time. We all want to be selfish and free at some moment and sometimes “me time” just won’t do. Along comes that suave and easy going person, the one who says all of the right things and treats you to something sweet every once and again. Here they come and they have no baggage, they ain’t mad at you at all, all they want to see is your smile and sit for some light conversation. They are so cool and oh so nice and ooh you just seem to notice their nice white teeth and their big ole booty and their big, strong arms and they’re not the teeth of the man you see at home and their booty is way better looking than the one you see everyday and the way they make you feel is so great and such an amazing distraction from the monotony of the home front. Who will deny themselves? Why cheat in the first place?

Know that...

• If there are problems in your relationship or marriage, make it your focus, foremost, to find out where the problems are stemming from instead of allowing yourself to be distracted by the new and sexy other.
• No one is responsible for you cheating except for you, no matter how boring they are, no matter how much weight they gain or lose, no matter how badly you just realized the cooking is, no matter what. Cheating is a selfish act and your partner is not the source. You have to dig deep within yourself to find out why you want to stray.
• Statistics show that the result of the affair will not lead to happily ever after bliss. Of course I do not have statistics but hey, look on the net and you'll see it for yourself. Affairs are most often diversions from the tedium of home life.
• The grass is not greener because there will still be dirty drawers and socks, nagging and complaining - that is if the affair turns into something serious. Whatever it was that you needed distractions from will eventually surface once the fun and new wears off.
• The feelings and emotions of being in love are like a drug. If you don't interject some common sense or reality to them, they can become just as dangerous. - Lovingyou.com

Also, know that...

• You are not his girlfriend just because you two sleep together and y'all talk about everything and he treats you nice. And you probably will not be his future wife because he is probably not considering divorce. Men usually cheat because they want variety, more sex or something different that wifey won't do.
• Affairs are not the answer or the remedy for the deficiencies of emotion, affection, or anything else lacking in your relationship or marriage. Yeah, women cheat for emotional support, seeking more romance, affection, or because they are lonely. Most women will find that the cheating partner will provide all of that and some very memorable moments in the beginning but trust me, it eventually wears off.
• Men love to chase and once he's satisfied his curiosity, it's usually time to return home until the next bout of boredom and then the chase begins again.

If you think relationships are hard, marriages are even harder. Everything you do once you say "I do" affects your marriage - your children's stability, insurance policies, cars, bank accounts, pension and on and on and on. There's a lot to undo if you think that running off and escaping from all of the evil and wrong doings of home is the answer. Save all that for day dreaming. In the meanwhile if there is anything going on in your marriage that can be rectified, exhaust all means to do so. It will be worth in the end, even if the marriage dissolves. At least you'll know that you did everything you could to make your relationship or marriage better.

The Other Woman... Part Deux

Once again.... I do not support adultery or cheating of any sort. If I could rewind time, I know I would not repeat any of my mistakes or choices because there is a consequence for every action chosen. The consequence does not always have to be as drastic as contracting HIV or unplanned pregnancy.... sometimes it's your reputation; in cases of marriage, it can lead to divorce; in families, adultery has negative effect on your spouses and yes children too; and the destructive list can go on and on.

The 2nd time I made the choice to become someone else's other woman, it hurt the most. With AJ, his wife was hurt, but for the most part, me and him just ended things and my life returned to normal. We were friends foremost. Even now, we are better friends than anything else.

A couple of years back I met Leader at a club. He was super nice, fine as heck, and had a great personality. We connected immediately and a few days after meeting we were sharing each other's space. I wanted something serious, he wanted sex. I figured even if I gave in, eventually he'll fall into like, perhaps love. Needless to say I was wrong, 2 months later and our involvement didn't change. I was after monogamy and I had my suspicions that he was seeing other women so I ended things.

Fast forward to about 2 years and I come home one day to find Leader's number on my caller ID. I was surprised because when I'm through with someone, I delete all contact information but he still had my info and he even left a message... He was thinking of me and wanted to see me. (Feel free to toot up your lips and call me stoooooo-pid because I called the man.)

This time I knew the deal and I figured I was better prepared, preoccupied even because this time I was already in a relationship. My relationship was steady, stable, happy at times and for the most part pleasing but things were missing. Communication was missing, a lack of emotional attachment, some disinterest. And here comes Leader who knows my quirks, laughs at my jokes, he knows a lot about me and on the outside we have the makings of a very perfect couple but almost a year prior to calling me he actually got married...

But our connection was there, everything seemed so right, everything was electric... First we talked on the phone... that lead to drinks after work, dinner, movies, museums, meeting for breakfast, going out for dessert, surprise floral bouquets and very steamy, extreme, intense desire that neither one of us wanted to ignore and we didn't.

Where was his wife in all of this and where was my partner....? I can only speak for me and I didn't pay any attention to my partner at all. I was floating on a cloud and as much as I loved my partner, I was falling in love with Leader. Everything he did was so right and my man was doing all of the wrong things or nothing. Me and Leader talked and texted so much and when we didn't, all I did was day dream about him. It was the weirdest and most wonderful thing all at the same time, love fog.

We were careful but my partner felt that something was amiss and so arguments ensued. He accused me of cheating yet I always erased the evidence. It didn't matter because I was in la-la land anyway thinking about my "perfect man" and no matter where we were, my mind was always a million miles away on Leader.

Slowly Leader started pulling away from us and started paying more attention to his home and family. He began talking about his wife more and her complaints of him. Our dates were cancelled and the phone calls and texts just about stopped but we still kept in touch and we kept up with our intimate dates but even that began to vanish.

It's terrible when you are already in a relationship and you are suffering from heartache. I couldn't tell my partner because I knew it would have broken his heart. I wanted to because I felt that doing so would free up the guilty feelings that I only felt when the outside relationship was ending. In the beginning it all felt so wonderfully glamorous. The tell-tale signs were there; I started dressing sexier, I was no longer intimate with my partner, emotionally I was detached. In the end, I felt bitter. I was angry with Leader for choosing his wife, his marriage and his new family over what we had. He came back to me and it meant the world to me. What we had was meant to be and it was worthy, it didn't matter that it was adultery. I was such a fool. Here I was romanticizing over a superficial relationship and it's ending that my partner's needs went unnoticed and unmet. I don't have to tell you that eventually that relationship ended as well. Not only was I broken hearted but now I was completely lonely.

Ultimately my heart mended and luckily nothing more serious came about but Karma does not have a time or hour or an expiration date...

The Other Woman

Before I begin, please know I do not support cheating in relationships nor extramarital affairs. I even consider kissing cheating... but I was once the other woman...
I told myself that it wasn't that bad because I knew AJ first, actually he was my man just 16 months prior to him getting married. For me AJ was the big love of my life. We all have that one where everything is just right... my parents loved him, his parents loved me, my nephew called him uncle - it was a match in heaven yet in May 1998 we broke up. Our beautiful relationship was no longer working. By then he changed jobs, began working as an NYC Corrections Officer and the job was changing him. He was always smooth and sweet but after the academy and working on Riker's Island, my sweetie was showing signs of hardening and was slowly becoming desensitized. I wasn't the model girlfriend anymore either. I wanted to hang out with my girls more and more and even though everybody was pushing us to get married and I saw the glimmer in his eyes, I knew I was not ready and he would not be my husband.
But relationships rarely end so easily and we still hooked up for impromptu love sessions until I realized his lease on his apartment was up in November 1998 and he wasn't renewing it. He moved from his apartment and was living with someone else. That was when we really broke up and that was in December 1998.
When he came back in my life, just a month after getting married, it was supposed to be a one time thing. We still spoke on the phone. He would call me late or night or from work. I was always unaffected by him and his pressing to see me. But early one Sunday morning, he called and to make a long story not so long, he arrived at my house exactly 28 minutes after hanging up. What happened that day started a year long tryst.
We met at my house and sometimes he picked me up for a quickie in the car. We hooked up about twice a month, his wife usually wasn't home so if he left it didn't look like he was deserting her. I thought then that our rendezvous wasn't bad as far as affairs were concerned.
About 6 months into the affair, he called about 1 am to tell me that he was going to be a father. I was pissed and hurt. Women like to play games like men play but eventually our hearts do enter the picture and gradually heart break ensues. Everything I wanted with AJ was happening with another woman!!! As the months progressed I grew less and less emotionally attached to him and as much as I enjoyed the loving once, it wasn't that good anymore. Plus I was moving on to meeting someone else for myself. His wife eventually started picking up on his actions and ordered a copy of the phone bill. She saw my phone number and saw the times at night or early mornings that he called. Though I had the number due to caller ID, I never called him. Somehow she even got my job number.
One day he called me at my old job, they wouldn't forward him or give him my new number but they took his pager number and told me to page him. His wife had his pager that day and called the number she saw in the display. She already knew the number because she had been prank calling me once a week for about a month, yet I didn't know it was her. I was dealing with another knucklehead who wasn't ready to settle and I thought one of his dealings found my number and wanted to harass me.
When she returned the call, I had finally gotten through to him. He was on one line and now his wife was on the other. I hung up on her about 5 times and she kept calling me back. She wanted the truth out of me. She wanted to know why.
I told one friend about this affair and that was my limit. The one friend I told was DC, my ride or die. She doesn't judge me, she holds my hand, wipes my tears, she tells me she's proud of me, she tells me when I mess up but her friendship never changes. I digress...
I wouldn't tell his wife anything because then I would have to face my own actions. I started crying right there on the phone with her. She started crying too as I tried to hold the story in and be mean to her but slowly I spilled my guts. Before we hung up I wanted to clarify things on just one issue... I was not about to be the deranged and crazy ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let go. When I realized that he moved into her home in Queens, I was done with him. It was always him calling me and coming around me. I told her that I was sorry. I knew she was pregnant and this was just unnecessary stress that I brought on her.
I forgot he was on the phone and he stayed on hold for the entire 30 minutes plus that me and his wife spoke. When I got on the phone with him I was so drained that I just laid my head on my desk. It was the most unprofessional behavior I had displayed ever. He asked if I was fine and I told him I was but I was planning on the bottle of wine, which I would purchase at lunch and the after work session I would hold at some bar with DC. He apologized to me for everything that went down and I apologized to him. We both felt awful and we officially-officially ended things there.
Yet...
We kept in contact. We talked often but we didn't meet up for sex again. I loved AJ in a special way and even now he has a special place in my heart. I was big on this issue that I was not the one making moves on him but I was the one answering the phone at 1, 2, 3 AM. I was the one who let him in when he knocked on my door. I was the one who climbed into his Cougar and took off for parking lots and dark isolated areas. And even then, before he left his wife, I was the one still picking up my phone when he called to vent. Whatever I thought I wasn't doing by not having sex with him, it was still upsetting to their relationship and it took years for me to figure that out.

You would think I would have learned....

I Just Want to Be Mad

I wanna be so mad today. I had the most frustrating weekend and a horrible commute in to work this morning. I am tired, feeling drained, I don't want to work and the Monday blues is kicking my butt. I was upset on my way in and had no way to release the anger that I started to tear up on the train but this is NYC and believe me a tearing chick gets no concern, which was fine by me. Especially today.
I can't believe that I actually want to hold on to the anger - LOL. I usually try to be a bounce back kind of woman but clearly not today. Needless to say holding on to the anger didn't work.
I get to the job and I check my job email. I sent out a "Something to take you back!!!!, Remember when" email on Friday to my buddies who are actually old enough to have 80s flashbacks. Some of the people/groups were JJ Fad, Bobby Brown, The Real Roxanne, Whodini and others. I sent the email to one of my oldest friends who I still like and don't mind keeping in contact with. His reply to me was "Dag. I remember you had that New Edition album and kept playing it and playing it and playing it and playing it." All I could do was laugh because he would come chill out at my house all of the time, because I was older than him and I had my own personal stereo in my own room. New Edition was the hottest group and I would just melt over Ralph's voice as his sang Jealous Girl and Popcorn Love - I loveded it!
I sat here smiling until my supervisor decided to come over and load up the work on me... so then the anger returned.
My co-worker was passing by and she greeted me with a hello and I looked straight in her face and ignored her. Mind you I get confrontational when she does the same thing to me and clearly she's not too happy about it either because she throws a balled up paper towel at me.
Now we do very unprofessional things at the workplace and my supervisor sits right behind me and diagonal from the crazy co-worker but my supervisor is not her supervisor so she can reprimand me but not my co-worker. However, the little girls within us wanted to play today and we decided to let them have their way and I threw a small bottle of lotion at her (it was the first thing I could get my hands on) and then I threw 2 pens at her. The lotion hit her but she dodged the pens. It was too funny and it was enough for me to stop fretting about things beyond my control.

Happy Sexy Friday - Have a Good & Sexy Weekend

Didn't hear such good news at work today. They are planning to move the "library services" departments of the Library to one central location in another borough. Needless to say, there are so many people not happy about it. The meeting took place in the morning and none of the disgruntles did any work today - LOL. I must include myself in the disgruntles. LOL

And in the midst of all of that, like Beyonce sang in Naughty Girl, "I'm feeling sexy", so I post today for my sexy self and all of the sexy ladies & gents, wishing you all a sexy weekend.

Things I've Learned

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

As the holiday season and the ending of this year is upon us, I am feeling reflective. After my issues with Saki and being volatile for the past couple of days, today I took the morning off to handle some around the house business but also because I needed to slow my thinking down and clear out my mental space. Lately I've been exhausted, bloated, unmotivated and bored but through it all, I'm filled with so much joy and I know that though life is a cycle and there are some unmotivated moments, boring moments, tiring times yet we are still moving, growing, improving. This year so many changes have taken place in my life and especially in my personal maturation so today I post what I've learned...

I've learned that:

• Time is precious and the present moment is a gift
• Life is ALL about choices
• When you don't make choices in your life, you live by default
• Cherish those you treasure
• Anger is contagious
• Give your time and energy to people and things that are worthy
• “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” -Frank Outlaw
• Repeat venting destroys the possible opportunity for healing
• Don't hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and distance you from love
• “Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz
• Love is self-empowering
• When you first trust yourself, it's easy to trust others

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What I've learned about myself...

I've learned that:

• When I trust in God, it really does make life easier
• I react first and think later
• I am a more loving woman when I'm in a stable relationship
• I am extremely and inexplicably sensitive
• I am interested in other people's lives (Some call it being nosy but wHaTeVeR!)
• I have a secret love affair with stationery of any kind
• I am temperamental
• I become bored very easily
• I appreciate quiet moments
• I cannot cook breakfast meals of any sort - Well I can cook them but I won't serve them to anyone but myself
• I am Queen Procrastinator
• I am hardly on time for anything except if I plan it and organize it days in advance
• I do not know it all - LOL
• I'm still learning about myself

I Know I'm Snappish - Blame it on the Estrogen!!! - Part 3

Okay it started with the morning commute...
I was waiting on the train at my station and some idiot is walking by. He's checking me and trying to get my attention but I'm ignoring him. So I'm looking down the tunnel to see if my train is arriving and this tard stands in my line of vision, so that I would have no choice but to look at him but after I squinted my eyes at him, he moved and he better had. I didn't have no other problem out of him.
And then...
As I get off at my stop, this older woman gets off before me. Instead of getting off and moving to the side before she digs deep into her pocketbook, she takes one step out of the train and stops RIGHT THERE as people are exiting the train. This is rush hour. I can't stress it enough. First off, I'm late for work, as usual, but this woman better be glad that I respect the elderly because I was right on her butt and ready to take her out but I stopped short and went around her. She wasn't really that old and I'm not saying that so that I won't be perceived as a threat to the elderly. Whatever her age, she should have been wise enough to steer clear of the masses exiting the train in the middle of rush hour.
And I finally...
Arrive into the office space and I have my don't mess with me face on that I have every morning. That's actually my natural face and I have to smile in order to not look mean. Now I'm still simmering from Saki's craziness yesterday, partly because I've been talking about it all night long and then her face is the first that I see. So I sit at my desk today and decide, you know what, I'm not playing this game. I'm playing the other game... First off, I'm posting on my desk the definition of harassment provided by the HR department, including the phone number and the next time she says something out of the way, I'm calling to ask some questions like...
Should I be alarmed:

• When a co-worker tells me that I will probably have children out of wedlock instead of following tradition and getting married first?
• When a co-worker tells me that I was a bad student and a devilish child?
• When a co-worker tells me that I speak and write very well for most Black people?
• When a co-worker asks me why am I always mad?
• When a co-worker tells me that most Black people like to buy brand names items with the logo/name all over it?

Or when she does non-verbal things like:

• Wiping her desk down with alcohol after I leave her area after she asked me to come over and help her with something.

Yeah I'm getting quite sick of her, moment by moment, and I think she truly needs a wake up call or some fire under her butt because her ways and comments are hurtful and just not cool.

I Know I'm Snappish - Blame it on the Estrogen!!! - Part 2

I've got this co-worker who makes countless offensive comments and though I really didn't cut her as deep as I wanted to today, once again I had to shut her down. We have bouts all of the time, sometimes I like her, today I do not and the days of me not liking her are becoming continual. For the sake of this post, we'll call her Saki.
Part 1 of Saki's offense today was telling me that I was raised by a single mother. We've worked together for 6 years and while we're not best friends, we are fairly close. I have never told her that I was raised by a single mother. My parents are very much married and have been for the past 31 years. And today was not the first time she made this comment, but it was the first time in about 3 years that I got rigid with her behind.
Part 2 of her offense was telling me that most single mothers are on public assistance. Now I know that she really meant to say that most women of color who are single mothers are on public assistance since that's what she thinks because she buys into a lot of stereotypes. A few weeks ago she tells me that an old co-worker who went out on maternity leave and didn't come back was "fortunate to be on welfare and didn't have to work". I've remained cool with this co-worker who has relocated to Florida and is working as an ESL teacher.


Today's conversation....
Saki: How was your Thanksgiving? Did your mom cook?
Me: My Thanksgiving was very nice. My mom didn't cook this year because she worked.
Saki: Your mom still works at the museum?
Me: Yes but she worked at her other job on Thanksgiving.
Saki: Your mother sure works a lot of job, you know I'm surprise your mom was a single mom and she work because most single moms doooo...... (The grammatical errors are on purpose and nope she didn't get to finish this comment).
Me: (Imagine the Black girl base in the voice & my supervisor slowly walking past my cubicle) You know what Saki, this is the 2nd time you made a sly comment about my mother and the 1st time I politely told you that my mother is married to my father but if you don't know something, which happens a lot of the time, you need to ask first because making these fly comments will get your feelings hurt.

I could have continued but all I really wanted to do was whap her straight in the face. Saki makes comments like these all the time and no amount of me getting loud with her is going to stop her, not unless I just reach out and slap her ass or travel my butt down to personnel like she threatened to do one time when I got a little stern with her.
A co-worker tells me the other day, "you know Saki really likes you, she just doesn't think before she speaks". Ummm, you know what? That's exactly why I don't like her! I could care less if she likes me! I just really want her to shut the hell up. In the past she's told me that she saw a picture of me and she thought it was a monkey. She told me that I must brush my teeth with cocaine because they are so white. So told my co-worker with natural hair that in her country they say that her hair is "broccoli hair" and so many other comments that for some reason I cannot remember at this moment.
And you would think that this would stop her from coming to my desk today but nooooo, that skuz came back when my supervisor left and she took one of my potato chips from the bag on my desk.

Saki: You are going to get high blood pressure from these potato chips.
(By the way, they were low salt potato chips)
Me: SAKI, IT'S AFTER 4:00 WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO THE HELL HOME ALREADY!!!!!

So here I sit, Saki free because that heifer took my advice and went home and I don't have to call on my mama, my baby, or my friends for bail money. I am a little worked up with the right leg bouncing but I'm chillin' with some Amel Larrieux and my spicy but low salt potato chips waiting for clock out time.

I Know I'm Snappish - Blame it on the Estrogen!!!

I'm not a fan of makeup, however I do wear it from time to time like on some Sunday's for church and the occasional moments when I do party but I don't knock the people who do wear it everyday. Most times I don't feel that I even look right or that I've applied the eye-shadow correctly at all. I love to see my co-workers done up and I enjoy watching the steady armed women who apply make-up on the trains, which actually grosses me when I think of the contaminants circulating on the MTA. But for my everyday, lotion, maybe mascara, (usually under the duress of my younger alter ego) and lip gloss will do. A few years ago, I was caught off guard at the Fashion Fair counter and I had a brief makeover. I was adorable when I walked out of the department store, with $100 worth of make-up to boot. For me, it's hard as heck for me to get up in the morning and get to work on time but surely applying make-up would keep me in the mirror even longer and it's just not worth it.

While I am not picture perfect, I accept the way I look, in fact I love it. I highly regard fashion magazines and all that jazz but I enjoy it as it is, an artist's work. My own complexion is not even. I wear the fading marks of hormonal and infrequent break-outs on my cheeks and I have what I refer to as West Indian darkness (the inheritance of my Antiguan father), otherwise known as under-eye circles. I admire those with smooth skin but that's not what I have and though Ambi products & I are tighter than Jordash, I can't see myself reaching for cover-up. And as for eye make-up, I rub my eyes too much and that's all I need to do is ruin my own work or spend my day trying not to ruin my "face". I'm telling you, mascara is a hot mess when you already have the W.I. darkness and you've mistakenly added to it. I opt to apply a little sheer lip gloss and roll out.

A friend of mine recently took a picture of me and while I do enjoy his artistry, I instantly looked at the photo and knew he had touched me up. After cursing him out, venting, ranting off and on for hours and accusing him of being a "photoshop junkie", I sat down and realized that I loved the retouched picture. It was perfect but when I look at myself in the mirror, I do not see the person in that picture and briefly I felt bad about my uneven complexion and my under-eye circles that suddenly made me look extremely racoonish. He showed me the untouched photo and I love both of them and felt bad for the way I spoke to him. He changed the photo to the original and I told him that the first photo was fine but I see he hasn't made the changes to his Flickr page yet but I'll consider that laziness and not a shrug at me for the mistreatment he received.

Another friend of mine and blogmate Miss-Stress posted "What is Beauty Anyway? (I think that's the title but I'm not sure and I won't check it today because the title isn't relevant, the content is). In her post she spoke about make-up and body types and hair textures and it really is a good post, I agree with her completely. So I apologize to you FP for my loose lips. You love me and forgive me, I know you do sucka! but as I let you know before I stormed away from you today is that I appreciate my natural self: blemishes, "roller coaster curves" and all. The pic you created doesn't change the way I feel about me and I had to remind myself of that today.

With An Attitude of Gratitude - Happy Thanksgiving

Not a day goes by that I don't say Thank You. With all that I've been blessed with, my loving family and special friends, I am centered and focused when I am grateful.
So today, while it is not a work day, but a family gathering, sitting around the TV, congregating in the kitchen, stuffing your belly kind of day, I pause to post a generous Thank You.

I am thankful for:

• Seeing another holiday, especially Thanksgiving.
• Having my parents & my family.
• My dear friends & close associates.
• My honey who I am spending the day with. This is our 3rd Thanksgiving Day together!
• My mom for making me pancakes this morning, I doubt I'll be eating anything heavy for the rest of the day.
• For honey's family & friends who always invite us for dinner.
• For my landlord - he is sending up the heat today - feels hotter than August.
• For those of you who read my blog, I'm appreciative of your readage!

Book Junkie

Friday, I went out in search of a gift for my mom. I know it was late of me since her birthday was Saturday but I had promised her I would to pick up the new book by Joel Osteen, "Become a Better You" and believe me when I say I totally forgot about buying my mom a gift until about 1:00 pm on Friday. So I head to Borders after work and I instantly find the book because it's on the bestsellers shelves. I should have gone straight to the line, paid for the purchase and been on my way home but I didn't because I'm in love, enthralled by book stores and I must look at the bargain titles on sale so I can see what I can purchase for $2.99 up to $7.99. There was nothing. No problem because now I'm on my way to the self help area, next religion, and lastly the cultural section where the African American authored books are.
Now my friends who happen to read this are probably thinking... ummm K., yeah, ummm everyone knows you love to read so how is it you just realize this? I actually love and support libraries, first and foremost because I'm part of the general public and I know how much libraries support the community, secondly, because I'm a librarian!!!!, lastly and sometimes more importantly, because the books are free. I try to get the newer looking books and although I'm a germaphobe, I have this belief that books are germ resistant.
I'm actually looking over titles, up and down, in the aisles and my heart is thumping in my chest. My eyes are frantically surveying and my arms are full of books I've selected and I stop myself because I feel like I do when I haven't had large amounts of sugar in about 4 days but on that 5th day, I decide to eat a chocolate bar or when I've deprived myself of bread and decide after being good to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - I feel a rush and it feels goooooood. LOL
I decide to buy You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation by Doc Childre, Deborah Rozman, and Matthew McKay, along with my mom's gift. If you get a chance, look them up in Amazon.
I headed the check out area satisfied, with my book addiction momentarily satiated. That is until this coming Friday when I head to Barnes & Noble for my next fix.

I'm So Glad You're Here... The Weekend

I'm so glad the weekend is here... it's unbelievable that we had a day off this week. I think the day off makes the week even longer. I haven't posted since Tuesday but my week has been a rollercoaster ride since Monday with relationship issues, MOSTLY, personal esteem issues that me and my journal are working out, food issues - you know some of my co-workers love to see the pudge - and I've yet to gain the will power to walk away from carbohydrates (can't have just one).

But I am so glad that Friday is here and there is no one or nothing that I have to rush home to. I actually would love to see my baby, but a whole entire borough and some water separates us. I feel that we are in a long distance relationship but we have our challenges that keep us apart.

Even so I'm looking forward to...

the bath I'm planning to take today with candles around the tub, incense burning, reading "Wild Stars Seeking Midnight Suns", listening to Sade "Lover's Rock"
the heat i'm expecting to be pumping tonight
sleeping spread eagled, SOLO!
spending the day with Mom tomorrow to celebrate her 36th birthday-LOL (she would kill me if she knew I posted that)
spending the day cuddled with the hun this coming Sunday

Reminiscing

I was on the train this morning, on my way to work, and I happened to be coming from Brooklyn, (I live in the Bronx, hun lives in Brooklyn). I looked over at this young lady who was sporting this look that took me back to 1989, high school years. I’m listening to Floetry and for some reason their music always makes me ponder on the past and I just started reminiscing about my firsts….

My first boyfriend, LG, (if you know what I mean) bought me my first pair of Door Knocker earrings back in ‘89. These were my Christmas gift. I went to Washington Irving High School in Manhattan and there were students from all 5 boros but I was known by my friends as a “big girl”, not just because of the width of my hips but because of my big earrings and my big ole Brooklyn boyfriend. The kids from the Bronx have such a different style than the people from Brooklyn, in fact kids from each borough dressed differently. The dooky door knocker earrings were much more of a Brooklyn/Queens trend, but the Bronx girls did wear them.

My first taste of sushi was back in ’90 with this guy, KH, from Staten Island. Sushi totally freaked me out then but I eventually acquired a taste for Japanese cuisine in my 20s.

My first commitment bracelet came from this joker, VJ, from Queens, back in ‘91. We were only together for about 3 months but I should have known from the beat up bracelet that this was a “serial gift”. The bracelet kept getting caught up in my sweaters and snagging them. I ended the saga and traded the bracelet in for an anklet that I still have and wear in the summer months.

My first commitment ring came from this dude, AJ, from Harlem, back in ‘96. AJ has a special place in my heart, even now, and he was the first guy I ever really considered marrying and this was also my first major heartbreak. I’m glad marriage was only a consideration although his family really wanted us to tie the knot. We were very young and though we were together for a few years, he married another woman just about a year after our break-up and that was drama-drama. He is now on his 2nd marriage….

Ramblings

I couldn't be happier to see the weekend approaching, along with an extra day off this coming Monday but today I am so tired. I love my co-workers but as they leave outta here, I'm happy to see each of them go.
I'm mostly tired because I stayed up late last night on a phone call that I didn't want to have. I was on the phone with the hun and we talked about our respective days, how we were looking forward to a restful weekend with each other, and our future...
Now I love my partner, we're great together, I see a future for us but I like being focused on the right now and right now is a little slow, routine, mundane. We're both to blame for the standstill. I know that I don't communicate my feelings and my wishes a lot, mostly because I find myself defending why it is I like the things I like and want to do the things I like to do. For instance I like to spend a lot of time alone. I think it has to do with years of being single and by being alone I'm not as attached. Although I think "me time" is healthy, perhaps I take it too much.

My baby wants me to move in.

Recently my girlfriend had a terrible experience of living with her significant other with no contract (marriage), no security and her name was not on the lease. She's now on someone's couch and her belongings are all over the 5 boros in people's homes. Needless to say, I'm apprehensive.
We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't see why we need to rush. We're beyond the dating phase and we've settled comfortably into togetherness but there is still a lot of we have to learn about each other. I've co-habitated before and the last thing I want to do is return back home to Mom because I made a bad decision again. So I want to be positive and secure before I make that type of move. I would actually like to be married, but that makes me breathe heavy and feel anxious inside so I know I'm not ready for that either.
What makes things come together for me is that I was walking today on my lunch hour and I bumped into a guy I knew a few years back. We were cool, went on 1 date but we lost track of each other. I was in grad school then and busy, busy, busy. But I saw him looking delicious, even in the rain and we stood, talked, exchanged numbers and I was thinking... "Am I ready to fully commit?" Heck nah! I'm so afraid.
I choose to not live with my honey because I'm flexible, I'm free. I could disappear when I want to, no questions asked. I lay up and I'm sloppy and I have no one to complain about me. I have space, a lot of it, and I know to move in would mean me getting rid of a lot of my stuff and I'm not ready to part with them. I'm just not ready. I don't see the rush and I don't feel the ticking countdown on when it's appropriate to live with someone. Who cares if it's going on 3 years or 30 years.... Wow, that was a good vent.
I don't have the slightest feelings for the delicious man I saw in the rain today and I love my baby strong but I'm more interested in doing couple things like vacationing than settling down into the non-marital monotony. I like not seeing honey's face a for a couple of days and relishing in the moment we are together again. I never had the little girl fantasies of being married and having children, although I will admit that I'm a better and balanced person when I'm committed than when I'm a bitch-on-wheels single woman.
I look forward to this long weekend and just being...

Comfort Thursday

I'm a Libra and today I'm far from being balanced!!! My mood swings out of control like the craziest pendulum. I can be great in the morning, skipping to work, a recluse by lunch time, wanting nothing to do with anyone, and a socialite by evening, chilling out at the after work spot. Today is one of those days that I feel like throwing my cell phone straight outta the window all because it won't ring or the right text won't come through. I'm just feeling unusually distressed today. And when I'm feeling this way, I quiet myself of all of the "I Wants and I Needs" in my head and whisper a calming "Thank You".

With the co-workers clearing from the office, I figured now would be a good time to post. I like this quiet time. Today it's just me, Carl Thomas and my PC. Although I usually post my grateful list, today I want to be comforted. Since music is my fix, I'm going to post my favorite comfort lyrics.

Carl Thomas - "All You've Given" "She gives me love, like the warm sunshine, hanging over my shoulder, And she makes me smile, everytime I'm looking in her face, And everytime she leaves my world's, just a little bit colder, So baby with all that you've given to me, I'm making sure you're happy..."

Faith Evans - "Until You Came" "Love was just a four letter word, Misused to entrust the heart of followers, But it never meant a damn thing to me, Until you came so unexpectedly, Then you curved my whole attitude, Got me feelin' ways that I never thought I could, See really what I'm tryin' to say is I like what I'm feelin', And I hope you never take it away..."

Sade - "Lover's Rock" "I am in the wilderness,You are in the music, In the man's car next to me, Somewhere in my sadness, I know I won't fall apart completely, When I need to be rescued, And I need a place to swim, I have a rock to cling to in the storm, When no one can hear me calling, I have you I can sing to, And in all this, And in all my life, You are the lovers rock, The rock that I cling to, You're the one, The one I swim to in a storm, Like a lovers rock..."

Maxwell - "For Lover's Only" "This ain't for the ones, That just love for fun, That just love and run, that just hold the gun, This is for Those that bleed, That want but have no need, This ain't for the war, this is only, For Lovers only, lovers only, Strictly for the lovers only, Who are lost and lonely, Ever since the way you looked at me, love is not a want love is now a need, This is if you want to hold me, Or for lovers only..."

Jill Scott - "Not Like Crazy" ""When we first met, I was surprised to get, That feeling, That feeling, The kind that don't wash away with soap, So sweet to me, Oohh, The kind of feeling I need, To get me through the darkest days, For you I prayed
[Chorus]What you do is crazy babe, Not like you belong in an asylum, Crazy babe, Like the sun in the morning, And the moon at night, Like the rain falling from the sky, Like the trees growing from the ground, I'm astounded babe, By your love for me, And your touching me, And your trust in me, Like you do whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo"

Getting Back to Center

About 6 months ago was when it first started. I found myself leaving little things at home that I meant to put in my bag... my cell phone, important documents... Then I found myself feeling out of sorts, confused... A lot.
I'm so glad that yesterday I had the time and the energy to look at my life critically and figure out how to get my bearings back. It's a bad feeling when almost everything feels out of control.
The case that brought it back to me was with my dry cleaning. I was going to a dry cleaners where the people spoke conversational english - you know, "Hi, when will you pick up?, write your name, bye". I liked them because they were a new business, seemed to be more organized than my regular guy and everything was good until they lost a pair of my slacks. I didn't even realize it until about a month later. They weren't my favorite pair or my old reliable pair so I sorta forgot about them until I was deciding on what to wear one day, had those pants in mind and couldn't find them. I decided not to fight the dry cleaners, I just wouldn't let that happen to me again. So yesterday I see my old guy, Ralphy, and he says, "Hija (that's daughter in Spanish), I've been missing you, good to see you and have a happy holidays".
That's when it hit me that I got off track when I started going for the new, chasing the bling, not using my discernment with people, places, my time... when I thought my monotony needed some stirring and I started to rely upon myself to make things happen, which is not always so wise. And this applies to much more than where to put my dry cleaning but also to the people I hang with, the foods that I'm eating, procrastinating, getting to work, and everywhere else for that matter, on time, the amount of money I'm spending.... The list could go on and on but last night, while spending some alone time and getting mad with myself that I just don't seem to have it together, I decided to go back to my center.

Going back to reading my prayer book every morning
Going back to journaling and reading for enjoyment
Going back to being prepared and not thinking so much that I actually lose my focus
Going back to being grateful for what I have already been blessed with
Going back to my center, going back to taking care of me

Not In The Mood

We all have our highs and lows, but for me, the libra I am, I am always seeking balance. However today I am feeling out of kilter and I find myself not in the mood. I'm sitting here at my desk and thinking to myself how crazy that is. What in the world am I thinking... I am not in the mood - not in the mood for WHAT?

I'm fortunate enough to be boss-less today. My boss and my boss's boss are out. YES! So I can sit at my desk and do nothing, read my favorite blogs and post, email and play catch up with my buddies, read the gossip sites...

But I find myself not in the mood when my co-workers want to go to lunch. I work in a large establishment and I have friends all over the building, some work in my division, some do not but the co-workers who sit nearest to me... let me keep this light... I don't want to lunch with them.

Now I would probably go with them if they wanted to eat somewhere local but that's not the case. I have a co-worker who loves Chinatown. Chinatown is about 30 minutes away... the walk to the train, waiting on the train, the train ride and then walking to the restaurant, eating at the restaurant, coming back to work, that's about 2 hours!!! I don't mind taking a 2 hour lunch but let that 2 hours be sit down time, shooting the breeze, 3 course meal eating, not running back to work or worse, taking the public transportation during my lunch break. It's bad enough I'll be on that bad boy going home.

Needless to say I was glad that they were gone for the 2 hours and 15 minutes (Yes I counted right to the time they came back). I had time to just be and breathe.....

Thursday - My Monday

I am at a calm point in my life. Work is good, weekends are all right, home is taken care of (or getting there after last week's downpour), so all is content. Nothing special to write about and I haven't really been posting a lot but here does my Grateful Thursday List.

Today I am so thankful for:

having a relationship with God
being in a stable, committed relationship
living very close to my semi-retired mom who makes things so much easier
a seat on the local train this morning
my funny co-workers
Walter Mosley's new book Blonde Faith
cable TV
the cable shows Weeds & Californication
tonight's TV shows Ugly Betty & Grey's Anatomy
black kitten heel boots
for my honey buying me this cute jacket from Old Navy that I wore today
being safe living through another Halloween in the hood
sugar free chai latte
lean cuisines and smart ones

And there's so much more but that'll be all I post for today...

Monday Ramblings

I got the idea for this post from another blogger and it made so much sense today. You know how you go through so much but can't take the time to write it all out but just want to say the gist of it and get on with it...? It would take me 20 posts probably to get out what I'm feeling, whatta weekend I had....

So here goes....

If you are known as the self-proclaimed church gossip, why are you asking me countless questions about my friends and family?

So let me get this, you made all of this mess and you want WHO to help you reorganize your life?

No you are not moving back into your girlfriend's house after she packed up your clothes the last time she wanted you out!

You are not officially broke until you have LESS than $20 in your checking account. Only ask me when you have $19.99 or less in the bank.

I understand now that I was obviously too much woman for you while we exclusively dated each other but are you seriously trying to get at me with that wedding band on?

Are you blaming your mother for the bad decisions you continue making even though you left home and have been independently living for the past 7 years?

There is no reason for you to carry on like that, see a therapist and get a prescription please.

You are requesting prayer and positive thoughts regarding the extra-marital affair you are having - you can not be serious!
You do realize that being his mistress means that you give less to your family, right? Oh no you don't get it.
Okay, you're a married woman, cheating with a single, good looking dude and you don't want HIM to date other women? Who is he supposed to be with while you're home playing mother & wife?

I know you did not turn your cell phone off after you left me a message telling me to call you!

If I went to bed after 2:00 a.m. for 2 days in a row, you betta believe I'm tired as hell today! Thank you very much for that, boo.

Accidents Happen

This has been one trying week for me. On Monday, my honey's daughter, who is handicapped, was kept from going to school because the bus failed to pick her up. That was drama. I went on to work while honey stayed home but I arrived here for 12:00.
Yesterday was good. I got here at exactly 9:30, my usual time, and I worked a little late, got caught up.
However this morning I woke up to water on my floor and a ceiling that is eventually going to be replaced. The family 2 floors above mine had a leak and the trickle which was more like a waterfall came flowing down. I asked my landlord to come, survey the damage, and he had the nerve to be slow at coming. After an hour I called the fire department. They were nice enough and big enough to cut my fuse off and bring the heat to the landlord for me. The slumlord was cordial and arrived after the fire department left only to tell me that there was a stopped up toilet and all is going to be okay. He was pissed that I called the fire department and I'm pissed that I had to but where was he when I was removing my clothes and linens from the closet, knocking on my neighbors doors and apologizing to the woman below me while explaining that I wasn't responsible? I kindly asked him if he was in a rush because now by closet, my bathroom and hallway were leaking and I just wanted to show him. We walked through and I explained to him that I'll be contacting him and 311 everyday until my apartment is restored. I sarcastically reminded him that I pay my rent, on time, no section 8, just because I'm a hard working woman, I am, who likes nice things plus a clean and mold free abode.
Now I know accidents happen but my slumlord has a nasty attitude and he's slow at fixing things and this is not the first time that we have had this problem. Nope. The family 2 floors above have 2 small children who like playing in water, whether it be toilet water or the sink water. Needless to say the bathroom walls, the tiles, the ceilings are destroyed. Oh and firemen don't make it any better. They love to destroy stuff so they nicely poked holes in my ceiling telling me it will help drain the water and motivate my landlord to fix the damage quicker.
I wonder if it's even worth fighting for. I want to move from that apartment and neighborhood but I stay because it's convenient, affordable. Now I have an even uglier bathroom (Wasn't too keen on the bathroom and was looking to remodel and refurnish), a huge laundry bill, oh and the upcoming fire department's report in case my slumlord tries to forget me or ignore me.

Happy Monday

This has been one of the most interesting Mondays I've had in a while. First off I was excited about coming to work to see my work friends, who make the whole 9:30 to 5:30 or whenever I get here to the 8 hours later, worthwhile.
I saw my honey yesterday and it's been about 3 weeks since we could really spend some time together and so that's exactly what happened. I'm still smiling.
So I get into work today and there's flowers all over my desk. At my job there are special events all of the time, not for staff, mind you, but for private persons, organizations, etc.
And so they order these flowers and when they're done, the night staff take them. Well I have this admirer who likes to place them on my desk and that's cool. They are lovely white roses and they're huge, beautiful and there are like 3 vases. BEAUTIFUL.

Except I don't like my admirer.

My on the job husband, J, comes over and he sees and he starts laughing because he knows about my admirer. He said he should be jealous but he knows how I feel about this dude. My co-workers in our tight knit division are asking me about the wedding date I set. At this point I'm not laughing so much anymore. Partly because at this moment the admirer is calling me and I'm so thankful that the j-o-b has new phones with caller ID because I've been caught out there so much. Needless to say, I haven't answered the phone.
Just 2 weeks ago, for MY BIRTHDAY!!!! (I'm still celebratin'), he gave me flowers and those were also beautiful so I called him to thank him and the conversation turned to him begging me to let him have a chance. I've known him for 10 years and I made it clear to him for 10 years that I'm just not feeling him. He's physically attractive, has a sense of humor, but there's something about his personality that does not agree with mine. We're incompatible and he hasn't realized it yet.

Oh well enough of that.

I'm looking cuuuuuuuuuute today if I have to say so and I do, thank you. LOL
I bought those new trouser jeans that are so popular and my honey tells me this morning that I have to buy 2 more pair. LOL
I have another on-the-job friend who I probably shouldn't be friends with because the attraction is very strong, unbelievably so, and he asked me to lunch today. I accepted and we went across the street to one of these gourmet deli places and we're eating and talking and I'm watching his lips move and not listening to his words at all... Can women and men be friends without intimate action? Sure, if those 2 people are grounded in themselves and their respective partners. Trust is key. But I will say this, do not for any reason think that there is absolutely no attraction. I'm having such a good day...
I'll end with this...

Michael

Jai

White

Where has that man been? Now I had the serious in my head relationship with him a while back when he played Spawn on HBO. He was aiight in the Mike Tyson movie but I'm mentioning him in my post today because over the weekend I had me a Michael Jai White dream. Yesssss I was all over that man and he was talking with that deep voice of his and I was creaming (I may as well tell the TRUTH!). I have yet to see "Why Did I Get Married" and honey wants to go this week after work but I think I may have to go solo so I can oooooh and awwww and have my chills in the spine moments all by myself! He looks a little hardened, like he's been smoking on some stogies, and that's all right because I heard his voice on Friday and I said to myself, "Self, he can still get it! Whew!

After Birthday and I'm Still Celebratin'

My birthday was almost a week ago and it was one of the bestest ones yet. I celebrated by waking up at my birth time. It's weird but I'm a weird person and it's my birthday so I do what I wanna. Then I cooked my own breakfast of toast, hash browns & egg whites with some coffee (aaah!).
My mom finally picked out the armoire for me that she has been searching for. My old dresser was a hot mess with missing drawers but I'm just not a home furnishing type of woman. I would rather spend a day off at a Broadway show or at a movie theater or just hanging out, reading than to survey furniture or home furnishings. I really like the dresser though. It fits all of my clothes and then some and I was able to clear out some of my other spaces.
I needed to get my hair done in the worst way and when my partner came through with my other gifts I realized getting my hair done wasn't going to happen if I was to see The Color Purple that night!!!!!!! SO MUCH EXCITEMENT!!!
My mom told me that Fantasia does not appear in each performance so the whole time that I'm riding down I'm hoping and praying that Ms. Barrino would grace the stage and lemme tell you, she did - she sang, she portrayed Celie just as Alice Walker fictionalized her, as much as Whoopi was back in 1985, every member of the cast that night was terrific and I cried, I was moved, overjoyed, enlightened and elevated!!!
I could carry on about my gifts, I didn't receive a whole lot but I did get this really nice Banana Republic bag and I just LOVE it, love it. LOL
I finally got my hair done on Friday and I cut a bang - it's too cute. That was an issue for me because as I'm climbing the latter of age and wisdom and growing more and more bored daily I wanted to do something to create a spark. The bang is working.
So now that I'm 32 years old, I'm creating some new aspirations because I'm finding that I'm feeling monotonous and cutting my bang continuously ain't gonna cut it. I spent my 20s educating myself and now that I'm here in my 30s I'm feeling the urges of parenthood, home buying instead of tenement living, examining that 401K, 403B, making sure I have my life insurance up to par, trying to be very much fab and not too much flab (na'mean -LOL), just living life it, realizing that it's best to take things day by day and not try to jam it all in and creating new, wonderful memories with the special people in my life and the few that I randomly encounter...

My (Early Birthday) Gratefulness List

Been thinking about this list all this week and I'm feeling so great today!!!! Shout out to all of the Libras out there. The month is just getting started and I'll be in celebration mode until the 31st!


I am so grateful for:
Rising this morning with movement, breathing & a sound mind
Peanut butter
Chocolate
Peanut butter & chocolate together
The quiet time after 4:00 when all of my other co-workers leave
Yellow pom-pom flowers
Eric Jerome Dickey books, especially this new one "Waking with Enemies" (WHEW!)
My MP3 player that goes everywhere with me
Wrap around dresses
These khaki pants that I'm wearing - got me looking like Deelishus from Flava of Love!!!!
McDonald's iced coffee
The new TV season (House, Grey's Anatomy...)
My stylist Marisol who goes through hell & high water to make herself available even opening up at 6:00 AM
My mom who is trying to buy me some new bedroom furniture as a gift even though I've giving her such a hard time with my picky self
My brother who wrote my whole name, all 5, on the envelope containing my birthday card, LOVE YOU KKBM! LOL
Again, I'm grateful for the new Jill Scott cd, especially my recent favorite "My Love"
My on-the-job husband for the jokes & laughter he brought today and everyday
My co-workers & supervisor who bought me this delicious chocolate raspberry truffle cake
One of my best friends and personal photographer who took the group photo of us around the cake, thanks FP!
Duane Reade $5.00 reward coupons
Oprah Winfrey's O! website (a wealth of information)
Last but certainly not least - Thanks be to God for allowing me to see the eve of another birthday!!!!

Me & You....

This has been weighing on me and even though I'd like to write, post something lighter, funnier, fulfilling, I'm stuck right now, so I might as well let this thing out and move on from here....

Do we truly come from different worlds and that's what keeps us clashing, colliding, parting and what keeps us finding each other again and again?
I like you, your style, especially your intelligence, your personality, your off sense of humor and your disposition. I like how you're different from the average yet know a little of so much that you can blend in anywhere.
You're fantastic, if you don't know, if no one else tells you, I will, I do.
So where does all of this leave us...
You & me...
Should we be considered a we...
I used to think that I was clicking with you but you weren't clicking with me but then I realized that sometimes I don't always get you, like sometimes you don't always get me.
For instance, I think I know what you like, what you want, but I've formed my own assumptions - how assumptive of me... I've never asked just formed these thoughts in my mind and I do not like when people do that to me, so why would I do that to you?
I guess it may seem weird but I wanted us to share the same interests - a love of God, art, soul music, poetry, nature, movies... I wanted us connected. But do we really have to like the same things? I guess we don't but I am just wonderstanding why it feels like we just have this invisible blockage preventing us from truly connecting.
Could life be so intentional to prevent us from really meshing? Could we be that explosive? Take over the world explosive? Making power moves explosive? Or kill each other, drive each other "War of the Roses" explosive?
I don't know what it is about us but I'll tell you my theories....
You and I are so powerful together... conversations, goals, sexual... just overwhelmingly powerful and you fear that power, I fear that power. We both need to feel in control and just the thought that we could lose ourselves in each other, be guided beyond reason, be led by desire... we just take off away from each other. We run to others - out of sight, out of mind - yet we both know that no matter what, I'm thinking about you constantly and you're thinking about me...
Some people need to hear it, the words, but I know it when I see you and you see through me. Sometimes the words escape your lips while in intimate embrace and I pretend not to hear because the weight is too heavy for me right now or when I text message you which seems to be the only time I write the 2 words without the "I" because that would make the message
much....
too....
personal....
But I could be wrong and we just could be wrong for each other and that's why we are now not speaking, not emailing, not calling, straight avoiding each other... but I just, I mean I guess, hell - I'm just missing you and everything we are and have with each other but I don't know how to say or let things be.

Thursday - My Monday

I'm so down and I just can't explain because I have no reason for it. Just in a funk and I don't like it. I often combat this by being grateful and journaling my grateful list and when I feel the heaviness of baggage building on my back, I recite the Serenity Prayer. This tends to work.

However I've been feeling like my life needs a change of scenery. Like I need to make some power moves. Possibly meet some new folks, network some. Read a new book - different genre, not my usual favorite authors.

I was in church on Sunday and in the sermon, the preacher spoke about stirring up your life. Now that would be great if I knew what areas of my life needed stirring. I'm content in my relationship, church & church work are good, work is great...


I could cut my hair ALL off. I recently chopped about 5 inches off and you would think I got a barbershop caesar with the way my friends questioned me. Everytime I suggest this to anyone close to me except my bestfriend D.C. they all tell me that I look great with hair. D.C. thinks I look fabulous and should try everything. I could stand to chop off another 3 inches...

I could dye my hair. What's funny about this is I'm 30 something, an early 30 something at that, and my grays are showing up quickly. I'm not bothered by it. I hardly notice it until I'm parting my hair or like today when the stubborn gray stuck straight up until I put some water & lotion on it - lol. I wouldn't even know where to begin because I have never dyed my hair. Here I am scared of hair dye when I put chemicals in it every 6 weeks. Now I know I should be scared of putting 2 chemicals in my hair.

I could continue this weight loss journey. I've been a standstill weight for the past 2 years after losing 50 pounds. I'm glad I don't have the excess weight that I had but I admit that this heavy duty, yet shapely, sista got a ways to go. This one actually isn't a could, it's a must, a certain must.

I could go back to school for another degree. This actually doesn't excite me at all. I finished getting my master's 2 years ago and have not felt the sting or desire for the classroom setting since. I wouldn't even know what to study this time. This goes to the bottom of my mental list of things to think about.

So I'll just end this here with what I'm grateful for:
Hot autumn days like today so I can still show some skin
It's pay day Thursday
A day to just relax & be
Jill Scott's new CD
It's one week before my birthday!!!!!!!!

Thursday - My Monday

I don't know why but for the longest of time Thursday is my day to reflect and begin again. Not like Sunday for some or Monday - Thursday - the day before the weekend begins. It could be because it's pay day. Could be because I'm looking forward to Friday clock out time.

Thursdays are when I decide that I'm going to eat healthier, exercise more, be on time for work (I'm chronically late and grateful that I work for such a liberal institution). I just jump into plan mode... which leads me to...

Being grateful...
In my reading of other people's blogs this week (My Peeps as I refer to them), I noticed that they posted their grateful list. I usually journal mine regularly or whenever I'm feeling like life is just so unfair because I don't have X-Y nor Z. Mondays through Wednesdays tend to be my somber days but it's something about my Thursday that gets the ball rolling. Today I woke up thinking, "What in the world do I have to feel crappy about?" I am so grateful for so many things and so my list goes like this:

I'm grateful for:
Getting to work on the NYC transit system safe from hurt, harm & danger
Having a closet spilling with clothes that I can pick from (today I'm wearing black to show my support for the Jena 6)
My 2 on-the-job friends who keep me in stitches
The guy from Starbucks today who gave me an extra special wink
Coffee with half n' half and just enough sugar
The coolest supervisor (less stress)

Health, strength and a sound mind
Having my everyday needs met
Being blessed
Knowing how & when to say "thank you"

My loving partner & friend
All of my family & mom, today, for reminding me of my weight loss goals
My prayer book
Quiet time

Love is Stronger Than Pride

Love is Stronger Than Pride (Sade)

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living
Not too long ago I thought that my life was on the brink of end. I wanted it to end because I was longing for someone from my past and life to me was just too unfair to continue living. I wasn’t suicidal however my everyday thinking became “what if” instead of “it is”. I thought back to 6 years ago and all of the things I should have said, should have done, the ways I should have acted. But slowly and surely I started to be grateful for what I already have and stopped looking outward for things and this man that I did not have.

I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving
I’m awful with forgiving and understanding and call me Drama Queen because I know all too well how to bring the drama. But I’ve been holding on to a hurt for the past 6 years thinking that it wasn’t affecting me when in reality it was eating away at me. Because of this hurt I thought that everything he said and did was to hurt me, humiliate me - when in reality all he wanted was my friendship, honestly. And forget about all of the other relationships that I helped to destroy because I didn’t know how to release my old hurts… I didn’t even realize I was hurting.

But I can't hate you
I HATE YOU is my favorite phrase and I can recite it just like Taraji P. Henson from Baby Boy. In reality I do not hate my male friend at all. Honestly I was feeling… oooh what is this feeling: vulnerability, humility, unwrapped, exposed, naked…

Although I have tried
I tried not liking him every time I saw him with someone else, every time he smiled when he said hello, every time he tried to engage me in conversation. I tried hating him and I put on the worst of faces every time he came around. His voice is loud and distinctive and I have this unbelievable ear for recognizing voices and I contorted up this screw face every time he came around. Of course I looked like a fool hating someone who is unbelievably nice, helpful, and mannerable.

Mmmmm

I still really really love you
I do – I admit it. The reverse of the hate I conjured up inside of me was really love for this man. We may not have the relationship that we once had years ago but through the distance, through the years, through not speaking at all, the genuineness of true love remained. I love how we connected so easily, how our talks were so fluid and our laughter and smiles brightened many rooms.
I only want what’s best for him and I had to realize that I may very well not be the best woman for him. Boy did that hurt but it also helped to set me free.

Love is stronger than pride
Love is really stronger than pride. Absolutely. After I released the words from my heart, admitting my feelings to myself and to him, love overtook everything - my speech, my actions and my overall demeanor. No longer did I come across as a hardened woman to him and most of all I was no longer hardened to myself. Love broke down my pride and I stopped playing the victim. I stopped pointing my finger. How could I not love this man, my friend, my brother but call myself a “Real Deal” woman? My pride hindered me from doing a lot over the years but I would not allow it to hinder me from being a friend to a man who wanted friendship – a friendship that I truly, truly missed.

I still really really love you
We were a couple once, but first and foremost we were the coolest of cool friends. I remember our late night conversations on the phone, the times he spent over my house, the ice cream cake he bought me for Valentine’s Day, the gift he brought me back from Las Vegas. I remember our first date and the first movie we went to see, Finding Forrester, and I remember eating at Applebee’s. I remember when I told him a secret that I had such a hard time talking about then and I remember crying, I remember him consoling me. I remember when kissing him took my breath away and made me quiver and cry at the same time. I remember when he confronted me because he thought I was interested in someone he knew and I remember the intense look in his eyes that spoke volumes to me, saying "I don’t want to share you with anyone else" - he was the only one. I remember Wednesday, September 12, 2001 when in the tail end of tragedy our relationship was also collapsing and I remember trying so hard and wanting so badly to save it but I remember feeling helpless and alone. I remember in late 2001 while snow fell, I saw him standing and talking with someone else and knowing that our relationship was officially over. I remember sitting in his car about 6 months after, drunk and crying asking him to leave her and start over with me. I remember him telling me that he couldn’t do that, but I remember looking into his eyes knowing that he was thinking about it. I remember in May of this year when he told me he was getting married to the woman I saw him standing in the snow with and I wondered if I knew or felt then that she would be his wife now.
I released all of the wrongs we committed but I admitted that I had just one regret - not communicating my true feelings when they were at their peak. In my heart of hearts I know we would never work as a couple but I missed out on years of having him around and his kind words, infectious laughter and positivity. I made a vow to myself to effectively communicate with my partner - the good and the bad because I do not want to have these regrets again.
I finally forgave myself for being prideful, regretful, shallow and now me & my male friend are trying to reestablish a coolest of cool friendship.

Mmmmm