the words i type...: 2008

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I Bid You Adieu 2008

I truly can't complain about you
We had some good times
We had ups and downs
Heartaches and heartbreaks
Shoot we began with an argument
Yet we're ending in peace
It's been great

We laughed a lot
We learned a lot
We are reminded that loving relationships are supposed to be easy
We learned not to be guilty for seeking happiness and contentment
We learned to love my full frame
We're still striving to be active and eat healthier

We cried a lot
We lost our grandmother
We reconnected with family & friends
We grew spiritually
We did a lot of cleaning up
We spent a lot of time alone
We pondered over many things

We're moving onto 2009
With money in my pocket
Money in the bank
Safety
Shelter
Luxuries
Delicacies
Necessities
Fulfillment
True friends
Loving relationships
Goals
Dreams
Anticipation

2008 has been good to me. I have no real milestones to post but just in my personal growth, 2008 has been so good. I've maintained and that's more than some can say.

To all my blog friends... Happy New Year!!! I want to shout some of y'all out but that just isn't fair. But to all, Peace, Love and Blessings. Prayerfully, we'll be loving, sharing and reading in '09.

In Transition... 2008 concluding posts

I have been transitioning for a while, in a lot of areas of my life, but one particular area that is transitioning is my hair... I have stopped putting chemical relaxers in my hair and allowing my natural hair to grow in.

I'm learning that transitions are HARD!

First off, my natural hair is ummm.... let's just say that when my hair was long and straight people used to call me Pocahontas. Now they are definitely going to call me Kizzy. It's a shock now when I wash my hair and then can't comb it. I am stunned when I want to comb it one way and it's doing it's own thang. But it's my natural hair. It's thick, it's kinky, it's unruly and in every way it represents me. My hair is coarse. Always was, even with a relaxer in it. It just seems right to allow it to be unprocessed, raw. And my personality is a match for my hair. RAW. I have couth, I really do, but I don't have that mechanism that says, "K, sugar coat this". If you want the truth, just ask me.

I've learned some lessons about life recently while pondering what in the hell I'm going to do with my hair.

Transitions are sometimes ugly. When you want a desired effect, you have to brave the unpretty parts first. You're faced with decisions that you never had to make before. Do I choose the easy guilt laden road or do I tough it out and choose what's best, what's healthiest for me? I have 15 inches of hair and 12 and 1/2 inches of it is straight, thin and not so pretty 2 and 1/2 inches is crinkly, brazen and wild. Everyday won't bring sunshine. Every road won't be easy and sometimes it's going to be downright horrid. But you have to tough it out to see the beauty.

Transitions require patience. I'm a get up and go kinda woman. My morning routines are trouble-free (although I'm lazy and late to work). Now I have to take time with my hair where before I would comb out my doobie and step. The same goes for life. Routine is easy and can be done without thought or creativity but you can't have transition without tolerance.

Transitions can be uncontrollable. It's been 20 years since I've seen more than an inch or so of my natural hair but I never imagined throwing a hat over my head for days because I'm baffled about what to do with this. The thing with transitioning is that 2 things are going on at the same time. You're moving from one area to another and the end may not be visible. Everything seems to be awry but you have to allow the uncontrollable to be uncontrolled and know that eventually all will balance out.

With transitions, there are always options. I can do the big chop. I can put braids in. I can go through the daily battles or I can always relapse and go right back to my favorite Dominican salon and feel guilt as they apply the chemicals. I'm heavily treading on the daily battles road. And life transitions are the same way. You can quit your job and move to another city on faith. You can plan and map out the process and then leap. Or you can brave it daily, taking it one day at a time.

My 2009 is definitely going to be high and memorable, transitions and all. I cannot wait for the spring and summer months, the birthdays, holidays and celebrations to come around again. I can't wait to experience it all with a newness, slight innocence, with anticipation. I vow to take 2009, one day, one week, one month at a time, purposefully living each day to its fullest.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I've Given Myself a New Name

Not long ago I was on the phone with a man who I used to be available for. When he called, I would get my house ready, my body ready and shut the phone off. On that recent call with him, we talked, laughed and flirted. He propositioned me for some late night rubbin' and lovin' and I declined. He called me a Teaser.

I have an old flame who I actually consider a friend and I work with him. He got married last year and since then he's tried to hit on me repeatedly. We barely spoke before he was married and he was ambiguous the entire time we dated, which was 7 years ago. This past week he emailed me and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he called me a Cold Ass Woman.

There was a time when I gave in to the 1st man and he probably called me Easy, a Slut or a Ho. There was a time when I was feeling the 2nd man like mad and he probably called me Crazy or Sprung. Under normal circumstances I do not like name calling but with these two situations I laughed it off. Reason being, I already gave myself a new name.

My new name is Worthy

I am Worthy of quality time and attention
I am Worthy of being missed, loved and cared for
I am Worthy of success
I am Worthy of forgiveness and patience
I am Worthy of my heart's desires and genuinely loving relationships
I am Worthy of being in the midst of things that bring joy to my soul.

There was a time when I was dealing with the 1st man and I didn't feel worthy of a true relationship, which is why I settled for a sexual, on-call, relationship when it was presented to me. There was a time with the 2nd man when I was prepared to change and rearrange my life in order for him to approve of me. I am so glad that with time and energy, I've grown.

Lately I have been called Selfish, Arrogant and Self-Righteous in addition to being a Teaser and a Cold Ass Woman and I must say that I am guilty of parading all of those qualities. I have been loving and giving to everyone I know and it's way past time to give back to myself. If that makes me any of the above, I'm to blame... unapologetically.

I am Worthy of spending time on myself. I am Worthy of telling others NO. I am Worthy of the number one slot in my life and I cherish it. If that means giving unto myself to the point that it's considered sinful, then so be it. I'm Worthy of that too!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Night of Dance...

Firebird

Last night I was treated... first by my sister-friend DC. Back in August she spent a full day trying to score mega cheap tickets for Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater and she thought it kind to include me when she placed her purchase. Then I was treated by the dancers and the awesome melodies of Sweet Honey in the Rock.

It was orgasmic.

I grew up dancing. For 15 years I studied jazz and ballet. It's been years since I've been in a dance studio or under the training of a choreographer. When usually seeing a dance performance my body jerks because I too want to vibrate but last night I was still. In awe. Seeing the Alvin Ailey dancers has been on my to-do list since I was 25 years-old and finally I had the opportunity. More than an opportunity. It was an experience.

Revelations

Seeing the dancers twist and contort, beautifully lift and stretch their bodies. No more than bodies... their beings, I was spiritually stimulated, which was another jolt I needed from yesterday's funk.

Revelations

I have to go again. They had a lottery for future show tickets and even if I don't win, I must see the show again with my special friend. A show this rich in culture, spirituality and sensuality, it was enormous and enriching. I am still flying on my Ailey high.

Revelations

I Absolutely Love These Email Messages

Right now, imagine the mansion of your wildest dreams. Happy, shiny, and filled with laughing friends who are carrying you through the giant double doors, across the marble entry hall, marching you up and down the circular stairway on their shoulders. A live band blasting out back by the dock, a water polo match in the pool that was recently spiked with bubble bath, the paparazzi flying in low on helicopters to catch just a glimpse of you. Speed boats, sailboats, and so many jet skis whizzing around that your neighbors think James Bond, Kanye West, or Beyoncé, must have been invited...
And then suddenly, when you think it just couldn't get any better, the doorbell GONGS, and everyone falls silent.
Yes!! Pizza guy!!
You really know how to live
-The Universe

www.tut.com

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Surrender

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you. Lois Lane: You, you've got me? Who's got you?

I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.

It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...

It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.

I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.

It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.

After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!

But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.

However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.

I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.

Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.

But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tell the Truth Tuesday

You know I love blogging. This is one activity I do religiously. But lately I've been thinking... you know, are some of us just putting on? I know this is not the venue for us to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but then again, yes it is... It's not like we're not in church on a Sunday testifying about last night's booty call or the swing party we just so happened to find ourselves at... This is the blogosphere. Ain't nuthin' wrong with telling the truth! I mean it's quite all right to hold back on plenty of the details of our intimate lives, if you want to, but I think it's refreshing to come across a blog read I can nod my head to because it's nothing but the real.

I don't know what it is, I'm thinking it's the month of December, but my Sister Bloggers are revealing some personal truths... I think it's wonderful when are truthful and comfortable with yourself to say that you're not a good girl like Kiaya or when you toot your own damn horn like Kay C. My two girls, True Urban Queen and ChezNiki have no problem revealing their inner kitty. I can't forget P****Chats.

So just because you're wholed up in church on Sundays, it does not mean that on Saturday you weren't holed up or tied up to the headboard...

Just because you love the Lord and post your weekly gratefuls, it does not mean you do not like, no love, sex, regularly, with an ex who just happens to not be your man...

Just because you're a good girl, it does not mean that you do not have a crate full of pornos in the stash or a rabbit in the goodie drawer by the bed...

Tell the truth...
You ain't never kissed another woman... when you were drunk? sober? lonely? bored?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and thought about the next man and worked your man out?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and imagined a woman and worked your man out? LOL
You ain't never thought about sex while sitting at your desk and had to make a bathroom run to scratch that itch?
You ain't never looked at your Pastor on a Sunday morning and wondered...?
You ain't never been home alone and bored and the phone rang, it's an ex, and before he asks how you doin'?, you tell him to come over before your right mind returns?

No? Well all right then, keep on being selfish and keeping your truth to youself! LOL

*I'm actually trying to be comical with this post. It's up to the blogger if they want to be raunchy or vulgar with their blogs and they can always block their blog from public view... It's just my opinion... that some of y'all don't have to be goodie-goodie all the time, y'all just be holding back!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Nurturing... Nurture Me

A couple of weeks ago I was in the fish market with my father's girlfriend.

We look nothing alike but people always ask if we're mother and daughter. I guess it's because she looks motherly and I daughterly. She is always the first to say no. Over the past few months, we've been spending a lot of time together, working together and her firm answer always strikes a cord with me. So we're in the market and after she says no, I turn to her and say, "You have no daughter, you only have one son. You are in a relationship with my father, a married man, married to my mother and you always say, "No she's not my daughter" or "No she's his daughter". You can at least say "She's my step-daughter" or "Yes she's my daughter". What's the harm in that? We're not close friends and I can always use an extra mum."

As a grown woman, the little girl in me still sometimes needs, wants and cries out for Mommy time. I said in my previous post that I wanted to curl up in my mother's lap for some love and nurturing after a long week. I would probably also throw in a good cry, babble and a runny nose for the full effect. If I even suggested to my mother that I wanted anything more than her ear, a hug and a cheek kiss (with just the cheeks touching) she would side-eye me and tell me to get out of her face.

To entertain the little girl in me, I must take the time to nurture myself. My father's girlfriend isn't bending - I probably wouldn't enjoy her nurturing no way - and my mum is great but I need more. I must do what is necessary to give back to me.

I am extremely giving in relationships. I mean I giiiiiiive and my last relationship was a doozy. I gave of my time, my patience and my love until I felt exhausted and unable to give back to me. One of the reasons for ending my relationship was the neediness of my partner. There is only one number one slot in my life and I gave that to him. Now it's vacant and I need to fill my own damned slot!

As I pull out my burgundy nail polish for my toes, arrange the gerber daisies I bought, remove the red velvet cake I baked from the oven (no icing), give myself a facial and sit down next to my lavender colored candled and my Exotic burning oil from The Body Shop with my new read "In the Night of the Heat" by Blair Underwood, Tananarive Due & Steven Barnes, I think of all of the wonderful things I appreciate about me, snuggle up underneath my burgundy throw and give myself a big hug. I deserve my Love.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Writing Reality Checks

Waking up this morning I was feeling slightly down. Woke up alone. The heat was piping in my apartment but my bed was cold.

Reality check

I went directly for my Sade cd. Wanted to listen to Lover's Rock, King of Sorrow, Somebody Already Broke My Heart... but then I found a blank cd I created a while ago, popped it in. Just Fine by Mary J. Blige. I created it months ago for my morning workouts and forgot all about it - and about the intentional morning workouts. Just the song I needed to hear this Saturday morning to get my body and my mind moving.

Reality check

About to mope. About to let my Saturday low keep me from the sunshine outside. About to let one person, one night, one comment, one situation, one bad relationship, no two bad relationships, nonsensical drama and straight bull keep me from living out today.

Reality check

Mary sangs...
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning
It's been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right

I'm sure my neighbors are pissed as hell with me right now because not only am I playing Mary, Faith, Angie, Jill and Erykah (my get low just to make you feel good sisters), I am blasting 'em. Their music, the beats, the rhythm, is all I want to hear to drive out the drone of my melancholy. I had one helluva week. A quit my job, chop of my hair, curl up in my mother's lap and let her love and nurture me, eat Oreos, chocolate ice cream, Doritos and drink chocolate soy milk kind of a week. Instead I'm drinking iced Red Zinger tea, yogurt and a banana. Cause I "Got my head on straight, I got my vibe right / I ain't gonna let you kill it / You see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just... FINE" Ain't no monkey gonna stop my grind because I'm about to be fit, fabulous and oh so fine in 2009.

Reality check

I can deal with solitude. That's what books and telephones were created for. One quick phone call to my mum, dad or a trusted friend, and my solitude evaporates. Solitude has no hold on me. However that's not what I woke up next to. Solitude is not what I felt this morning at all. I woke up next to dejection. I woke up next to self-pity and I was about to throw a pity party with an invitation for one. My Lover's Rock cd is the same brand and has no label just like my Growing Pains cd... so I'm glad I picked the right one. Sade is my friend and we've gone through some times but not today Sade.

"Feels so good, when you're doing all the things that you want to do

Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new

It's a really good thing to say

That I won't change my life, my life's just fine"

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why Me?

"If I were to say, ''God, why me?'' about the bad things, then I should have said, ''God, why me?'' about the good things that happened in my life." ~Arthur Ashe

The question, Why Me?, is usually asked when things go wrong. Someone has lost a job, or a loved one, you stump your toe or some crazy crap just keeps happening and you can't help but question...

Why Me?

You feel singled out. Punished. God doesn't love you. NO ONE loves you. Things have occurred, beyond your reason, beyond your control and we ask God and everyone around us to explain...

Why Me?

Lately I've been asking the very question but for different reasons... I couldn't be happier in my life. I mean sure it's the holidays and I've been spending lots and lots of time alone and my money is low but my finances are coming together quite nicely.
I cannot stand the fact that I have to work, everyday at that, and I'm really not liking my boss at all but life outside of this building is great.
I have wonderful friendships and a friendship that only a love list can inspire.

Yet I question Why Me? Why do I feel so lovely and these lovely things keep happening to me? Love keeps flowing in and through my life... Why Me?

I think of "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gillman. I think of that woman who lived in a child-like state, trapped and confined, living in a horrible fantasy world. I think of how her life was unfulfilled and hidden from her husband and even from herself. I think of how she stripped the yellow wallpaper from the wall in order to free the woman she imagined who lived in the wallpaper, thus freeing herself...

The other day I wrote Why Me? down in my journal. I stared at it for about 5 minutes when another question popped in my head that made me scratch the mess out of that question and write.

Why NOT Me?!!!

Am I not one of the most magnificent people I know?!!! Haven't I tried to be good to people? Don't I deserve some happiness? Is everyone else I know supposed to reap the rewards of life and I'm to sit by the sidelines cheering them on? Or am I supposed to adorn myself and dance in the very same parade? Oh, yes the hell I am!

I no longer want to be a "Wallpaper Woman", crawling around in a prison behind the walls believing that good things come to others but passes me right on by. Instead I participate in and anticipate my blessings by raising my hands high with expectation and no doubt, ready to grasp my blessings, hold them close to my heart with a heartfelt Thank You on my lips.

More importantly, never ever do I want to take my blessings for granted. If God sees fit to bless me who am I to question it. So whatever comes my way... reason, season, lifetime, the good and the not so good, I count it all joy!

Monday, December 1, 2008

There are no regrets in life, just lessons...

I love the month of December. December might as well be a great big ole holiday for me. It's my month of clean-up. Proverbially, I start throwing everything, out of the closets, the drawers, the hidden crannies of my life and discard that which is no longer needed, useful, no longer having value. Like taking a huge loofah and giving my life an intense exfoliation.

I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.

And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.

It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.

I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.

I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...

I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.

And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Attitude of Gratitude

I thank you Sister Lovebabz... an amazing writer, a profound story teller, and a helluva Grown Woman. She bestowed this honor upon me and I humbly accept.

I have an attitude of gratitude... meaning that I am grateful for EVERYTHING God has blessed me with.

Each day that I rise and there's movement in my body and clarity in my mind, I am grateful.

When I run to my overflowing closet where there are shoes, bags, hats, coats, and clothes galore, I am grateful.

When I can pick up the phone and call my parents, just to say "Hello" and "I love you"... I am grateful.

When I rush my butt to work daily even though I'm supposed to be here at 9:30 and I trail in at 10:21 and no one says, "Hey you're late!", I am grateful.

When my eyes overflow with tears from guilt and misery, I know I still have feelings and concern for myself and others, I am grateful.

When I can withdraw at least $20 from my checking account, I am grateful.

When there's food in my cabinets, my freezer and my fridge and it's food that I love to eat, I am grateful.

Each night that I am able to say "Thank You Lord for another day", there's relationship, and I am grateful.

When I laugh so hard it hurts or smile so much that my cheek muscles tense, I am grateful.

For the eyes I see with, the ears I hear with, my soft skin that feels, my nose that picks up on the pleasant and not so pleasant NYC aromas, and my wonderful taste buds (I couldn't live without ya), I am grateful.

***I will be alone this holiday. Everyone who I normally spend holidays with is either away or working. However I am never lonely. My relationships with the Creator, my family and friends leaves me no lonely time. There is no such thing as coincidence and I know that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I know that this holiday I am purposed to spend time with myself. As the ending of the year is approaching, I plan to do some self-reflection, some inner work and meditation on my current blessings and those to come.

For those who read this, smile, nod or transfer to another web page after reading this, I know you were here, I hope you have been enlightened, I pray you have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day, for you...

I am grateful.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Telling The Truth

“Some people say that I’m to open they say it's not good to let them know everything about me and they say one day they will use every little thing against me but I don't mind maybe they're right that's just how it is and I got nothing to hide.” -Life is Real by Ayo

Growing up my mother always told me that I will say the wrong thing if I talk too much and sure enough I caught enough slaps and hits for saying something out of turn or for talking too much in school.

I talk a lot. I am not ashamed to tell my business, especially when I know it can benefit someone else. I talk about my relationships, particularly with my friends or co-workers and don’t let something go down in my relationship because I will run and tell them how HE done made me mad. I talk about the good in my relationship and CB can tell you how I make her ear bleed and her stomach queasy with my love and lust stories.

I talk about my family, the good family and their funny stories and I tell about family gone bad. That cousin who in 1985 made Christmas bad for everybody by stealing everything from under that tree and selling it all for crack.

I talk about my financial situation, when it’s good and when it’s bad. When my people see me pull out my change purse and pay for my whole meal with dimes, they know I’m low on funds. When I’m not eating lunch and drinking tea that I borrowed from the office pantry, I’m in a financial funk. I have no problem explaining why my bag is so heavy – it’s because I have to run to Commerce (now TD Bank) to the penny arcade!

I just really try not to hide my truth.

I remember the time when I saw an interview with Alice Walker (I’ve spoken about this before) but what resonates within me is her candidness. She spoke of how she was blinded by her brother, the abuse one of her grandmother’s suffered, abortions. Me and DC sat their astonished and we both left saying that we wanted to be that truthful, that open.

* Some days my pendulum swings between id and ego erratically.
* I used to say that I’m jealous but I realized recently that I’m not. I choose my new quality - Guarded.
* I am mostly frugal but when it comes to jeans, costume jewelry and bags, I will splurge.
* I am a stickler for time but I am always late or rushing.
* In relationships, I love hard and I give my all. I’m usually not jealous or guarded when I’m secure in my worth.
* I am Ms. Independent with my girls but with my man, I am putty.
* I am a procrastinator in ALL things.
* I am a ride or die friend. If there is any way to say or display my loyalty, I show and prove.
* I love my family. I’d give a lung, kidney, bone marrow, and blood, whatever is necessary to save the life of anyone of them. Yes, that even goes for that crackhead cousin of mine. And I want to always be close to them, which explains why I didn’t move all over the world like my brother and the truth is, they need me as much as I need them.
* I’m selfish with my food. Food is sacred to me and when I sit down to eat and I know my food is going to be slamming, I do not want to look over and see some hungry eyes but… I almost always spill my food and on my clothes. (That’s probably the portion I should have shared).
* I look for errors and if anyone around me says a wrong word or uses a word in the wrong tense, before I can think about it, I am correcting them. The other day my supervisor said, “Who stealed it?” Oh we all fell out laughing as I said “Stealed, stealed!”
* Speaking of words… I tell anyone around me… please be careful with your use of words because I take everything literally. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
* I am a church girl but I got a potty mouth. :O It’s bad of me, I know. It's no secret that I get my sailor's mouth from my parents. My mother tells me that she likes my profane flow but that my mouth and face just don't go together. I AM WORKING ON IT!

That's simply skimming the surface...

Ayo (Joyful) ~~ Life is Real

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Lately I...

* Haven't been in the blogging mood. Stuff is going on in my life and my peeps are telling me I should post about "it" but I'm not. Some things are too personal but it probably would make for a good post, though bits of my personal leak into all of my posts. I've also been at a loss for topics but that's probably because my mind is blocked by all that's going on.

* Haven't been getting much rest. OH but last night! Last night I collapsed around 10:30 p.m. I knew I would wake up in the middle of the night because I'm not used to sleeping for long periods of time and sure enough I woke up at 1 am. Immediately I wanted to get on the computer, listen to some Sade or Anita Baker, finish my church work, type out a couple of letters (yes I still type/write letters to my peoples), or get up and read but I willed myself to go back to sleep and eventually I fell off.
I woke again at 2:30 am. This time I was too hot. My apartment is an inferno during the winter months. I'm not complaining because it's freezing outside. I did get out of the bed to open the window.
I woke again at 4:30 am. This time to close the window because the heat went down and I was suddenly freezing.
I fully woke up at 6:30 am, feeling good. I'm so glad I had a full night of resting. It's been months since I've been able to.

* Have begun to bore everyone including myself. I used to think that I was one of the most exciting people but I've been in a work, home, church, clean-up Grandma's place and then repeat, RUT. I'm bored and the thought of me spending a Friday or Saturday night alone makes me wanna run out for a bottle of the brown juice to drown my sorrows. But then I'll probably get weepy and then call everyone I didn't want to call in the first place, tell them all how I love them, we should get together and then I'll pass out and forget the phone calls or that I told them we were hooking up. I haven't even been reading much lately. It's crazy! Anyone who knows me knows that I am always reading something. So I'm trying to find some ways to make my life exciting again. Any suggestions?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mr. Messed Up

This morning I reduced myself to this…

I saw you the moment I walked down the stairs leading to the subway platform on my way to work this morning. The other day when you tried to holla at me, I sized you up real quick. I guess because I said no when you asked for my number and told you to have a nice day when you pressed me, today you decided to get me back. So as I recognized you, walked past you and failed to acknowledge you, you thought it hip to call me out my name. It probably made your lame ass feel better to say “the Bronx is full of dusty, fat bitches who ain’t shit”. When I kept on walking despite the stares I received along the crowded platform, you kept on talking, elevating your voice just so I could hear you.

I guess I surprised the shit out of you when I doubled back with a face of stone to ask you, “Who you were talking about?”. I could have been scared of the tall lanky negro who stood way past 6 feet but I ain’t. See when I said that I sized you up the other day, I knew you were a punk, probably homeless living off of your baby mama who was dumb enough to let a lowlife knock her up. I knew you weren’t worth my time and you had to be out your mind to think you could get my number. You were audacious enough to call me a dusty bitch who ain’t shit? One of my earrings cost more than you whole get up and you’d probably have enough money left over to feed the family you are not likely supporting. Everyday I manage to get up and go to a great job where I serve in a great profession, hold down my own apartment and survive while not living paycheck to paycheck and if you were lucky enough to have a glimpse in my apartment you’d be floored because everything I own is quality and out of your league. No, to you I am a bitch who ain’t shit because I love a caliber of man who does not “go to his wife’s house” first thing in the morning, doubtlessly eating up all her food, sleeping on her furniture and leaving a gallon of dirt behind and an empty life. A 9 to 5 is no doubt ridiculous to you. Sure I could have let your tasteless opinions of me slide and rode the train in peace, listening to Lalah Hathaway and reading Crystelle Mourning and normally I would have. But all I had to do was sit my bougie self aside and get real Bronx on you as I asked “Who are you talking about?”. I could have died laughing when all that yapping you were doing immediately stopped, when you quickly moved from the spot you stood on the platform and walked to the back of the platform and to your back, again I said, “Now have a good day”. Serves your gutter ass right to regress to the back of anything because you haven’t even evolved from Negro to decent Black man. Nigga please.

I love my Black Brothers. I am so down for y’all, from the porters who empty garbage and clean toilets to the corporate comrade. I don’t care what your occupation is as long as you’re respectful and upstanding. Just Monday morning as I was heading to the station, I heard 2 negroes outside my building talking about how hoes on this block ain’t shit and I had to filter that out and not take it personally but today, nah buddy, it was so personal.

Now there was one part of his comment that I neglected. Fat. It’s no secret that I’m tipping the scale. It’s quite obvious that I am far from skinny. That is one part of his comment that I let slide because it is fact. While I’m not completely happy with my size, I am definitely proud of my shape, a perfectly juicy, ripe pear shape. That part didn’t even upset me. His blatant disdain of women (because I sure I am not the only woman he disrespects), his lack of self-respect and his smear on good Black men, that’s what disgusts me.

Friday, November 14, 2008

TGIF... Random Words I Type

Apartment Therapy
This week has been so long for me. I've been calling Social Security, sending out Thank You cards and cleaning out Grandmother's apartment. It is such a big ole mess but it has to be done so that housing can rent it out again. I found a few treasures during the clean-up but a lot of her stuff will be donated. From this experience, all I have to say is... if you don't have a pot to piss in or piss to even put in the pot in the first damn place, HAVE A WILL. A piece of notarized paper which says I don't have ish but I want my non-ish to go to such and such is suffice. Why? It eliminates the running around your poor granddaughter will have to do. It eliminates the police presence and the court documents. It will make things so much easier. Also I know it's morbid and no one wants to think about it, but keep all important documents (insurance papers, birth certificates, passports, etc.) in a nice noticeable box or even in a bag, organized. Not on the floor under the dresser, under the clothes under the dresser. You had to hear me on Tuesday in the apartment, "Why Grandma, Why?!!!

Sibling Love
For those who don't know, I am the baby of my family with 3 older siblings. 2 brothers and 1 sister. On November 4th, we welcomed a new addition to my family. My brother, Jr. and his wife gave birth to a baby girl, my beautiful niece Davina Monique. 8 pounds and 14 ounces!

Now my oldest brother who I spoke about earlier this year in my post Where Does The Love Go?, we're 11 years apart and not very close. We talk and text but we hardly share much, however this week we bonded on some "don't tell mommy" stuff. I don't know what it is about my brother but he tells our mother EVERYTHING. I am the complete opposite. I tell her what I want her to know and especially when it comes to relationships because a good mother is going to take the side of her child and hate the person who is doing her child wrong and that's exactly what brought us together this week. Between my brother and my nephew's mother, they have been driving my mother crazy with their relationship drama but he confided in me and though I don't agree with his life decisions, I love him tremendously and support him no matter what. I pray he finds his way, settles down, and finds someone who loves him for who he is rather than what he can provide.

Since my grandmother passed, I have wanted to reach out, be intentional and connect with family I have not communicated with and especially with my sister. I have not spoken to nor seen my sister in 17 years. When I asked Jr. for her number and email, he told me he didn't have it. I wanted to text her or email rather than call her direct because she may not respond. That hurts. She didn't come to Grandmother's funeral because she wanted an invitation from my father and as much as my dad loves his children, he is strong, stubborn and does not stroke our egos. However even though we are good and grown, he still spoils the mess out of us. :)
Jr. told me when I visited him that she's selfish and to leave her alone but I don't want to. I've done that enough with a few folks but even if she blows me off, I want my sister to know that she's in my thoughts. So please send your positive energy and thoughts our way...

BougieGhetto
My oldest brother always calls me BougieGhetto, not simply bougie, I guess because I still live in the hood and love the hood but think I'm better than the hood... I dunno. Anyway, I had this uncomfortable experience yesterday. I bumped into one of my friends from high school in one of the eateries by the job. Now I'm a proud Librarian and though that's not a poppin' field, it's really nerdy, techie and for the most part colorless (if you know what I mean). Me and my supervisor try to splash some diversity but it is just a prude area. However we are a wine and cheese kinda folk, snooty and quirky. What a combination.

So I see my old schoolmate and we're all "You look the same, your face hasn't changed, so where are you working?" when I suddenly don't feel so BougieGhetto at all but just Ghetto, no, Guttah! LOL
She gave me her Blackberry to put my information and I'm fumbling because I don't know how to use no Blackberry! She introduces me to her boyfriend who is colorless... and tells me how she's an attorney at some law firm up the block from me. I felt blue collar... But then my co-worker CB reminded me that I know what artichokes are and I eat them. LOL
There was a time when I used to be beige at work and dark brown when I exited the premises but as I've stayed pass a decade at my institution and reached my status here, I realized that I can't lose myself nor do I want to. So slowly but surely the dark brown crept out and all day I'm me, bougie but yes I'm ghetto and I love it!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Talented Tenth

I am so filled with joy with the accomplishment of Barack Obama being our 2009 President-Elect. This is a monumental event and I’m gladdened and proud that I am alive to witness it.

No matter the size of this victory, Mr. Obama will be this country’s President, not a president solely for the people of color.

Tonight I am reminded of The Talented Tenth. For those who don’t know, I’ve included a portion of W.E.B. Dubois’s article below.

“The Negro race, like all races, is going to be saved by its exceptional men. The problem of education, then, among Negroes must first of all deal with the Talented Tenth; it is the problem of developing the Best of this race that they may guide the Mass away from the contamination and death of the Worst, in their own and other races. Now the training of men is a difficult and intricate task. Its technique is a matter for educational experts, but its object is for the vision of seers.

Men of America, the problem is plain before you. Here is a race transplanted through the criminal foolishness of your fathers. Whether you like it or not the millions are here, and here they will remain. If you do not lift them up, they will pull you down. Education and work are the levers to uplift a people. Work alone will not do it unless inspired by the right ideals and guided by intelligence. Education must not simply teach work? It must teach Life. The Talented Tenth of the Negro race must be made leaders of thought and missionaries of culture among their people. No others can do this work and Negro colleges must train men for it. The Negro race, like all other races, is going to be saved by its exceptional men.”

No sirree folks! Bill Clinton was not the 1st Black President. We are surviving and witnessing a change in the making. W.E.B. Dubois's article strikes a cord with me. In this day and age of the right now, when no one wants to work hard and survey the progress, we now have a leader who young and old can look upon proudly and be inspired.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I've Had Enough

"When you're talking to me

Don't be cryin' the blues

'Cause don't nobody bring me no bad news

You can verbalize and vocalize

But just bring me the clues

But don't nobody bring me no bad news

Bring some message in your head

Or in something you can't lose

But don't you ever bring me no bad news

If you're gonna bring me something

Bring me, something I can use

But don't you bring me no bad news"

Evilene from The Wiz

I have drawn the proverbial line in the sand. I am sick and tired. My head is hurting and I feel like cutting people. Literally.
If I get one more phone call, one more text message, or one more email about some MESS, I'm going to pop.
My tongue is already quick, I'm hormonal and I have a raging attitude. I had to tell my mother, I had to tell my man and I've told all of my friends,

Don't Nobody Bring Me NO Bad News!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

He Loves Me

I have an especially hard time with Love.
I've been hurt in the name of love. I remember one of my exes grabbed me and left the print of his hand around my wrist as he told me that he loved me.
But I also know that feeling that you just want to bottle up and carry it around in your pocket for safe keeping. That knowing feeling that plants itself in your soul. The feeling I have and have shared with my parents and the rest of my family. The most confusing and indescribable of sensations when it comes to relationships... LOVE.
I still struggle with it. I know how to love. I have a lot of love to give and I freely give it. The thing is I don't know how to receive it. I push love away. I beat the mess out of love. I ask love to reveal itself, prove itself, and gone on by itself. I've even prayed for love and when it was presented to me, I laughed at it and said it wasn't enough. Yeah sometimes I'm psychotic when it comes to love.

This weekend I was home and cleaning and decided to throw on my Who Is Jill Scott? cd. When this came out in 2001, I just knew that the emerging neo-soul sound was created with my ears in mind and when I heard track 7, I knew I wanted the same kind of love that Jill sang about when she sang...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me

You incite me to chorus.....

Now I'm thinking... what if Lyzel told her that he loved her like that and like me she was struggling to believe it so she penned it, affirmatively she sang it and belted the hell out of it recording and singing it live, and that love became a reality? What is she didn't write it at all? What if Lyzel wrote it for her to sing and affirm for herself? What if like me she didn't believe true love between two people could really exist and this was her way of slamming her negative thoughts and moving forward in her positive thinking.

I was thinking of my guy and how I've been pushing his love away. In one of his messages he texted me that the love he gives is a reflection of the love I give to him. Now as good as that love is, as wonderful as it feels, how very beautiful it is -- why am I trying so hard to push it away?

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

The love I'm feeling, I prayed for. I took my time and created my Love List and I believe that this is the fruition. This morning as I walked with an extra pep in my step, feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new as I arrived to work... when I heard the message he left as he sang this on my voicemail, I thanked God for His blessing. This type of love doesn't happen everyday and because I know that not only do I want love but I need it, I slowly and surely say goodnight to my struggle and simply relent...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bring Me Water

I have been awarded by The True Urban Queen.
I am so honored to be considered by her and she bigged up my Breathing Space.
I am also honored that we happen to be Blogger Friends Forever BFFs. LOL

Though blogging is one of the easiest venues for saying what you feel, when you feel like it, without pretense, there are times when topics elude us, blog beef stirs up, or our readership and commentship goes on the fritz. But for those who delve into the mind, develop new topics to write about or post for discussion, those who post about experiences, current lives and past lives, the things we venture to do, our fears and our accomplishments... oh my gosh, I'm amazed by the creativity of you... You too are Brillante.

I'm reminded of the Erykah Badu song "Kiss Me on My Neck". If anybody knows me, they know that like my other celebrity friends in my head, me and Erykah are tight! I love Ms. Badu and "Kiss Me" is one of my favorite songs.

She says repetitively:

I want somebody to walk up behind me / And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck / I want somebody to walk up behind me / And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck

If you want to feel me / Better be divine / Bring me water, water for my mind / Give me nothin' / Breathe love in my air / Don't abuse me / Cause these herbs are rare

If you want too feel me / Better be divine / Bring me water for these flowers / Growing out my mind / Give me nothin' just be gentle / Breathe love in my air / Use me, don't abuse me, love me / Cause these herbs are rare

And the meaning behind this song is... she's lost her way, strayed off her path and she wants someone or some being to come behind her and give her the energy, the push she needs to get back on her path. I like the song and when I hear it and sing along, I always think "restore me".

Well folks, I say all that to say, I am restored daily. When the Lord wakes me up and I have bodily abilities, capabilities and faculties -- When I go to my closet and there are clothes and shoes spilling out -- When there's a positive balance in my accounts and I have a j-o-b to saunter into -- When I have friends and family and blog friends and family -- I am restored. All of these things and more are the water and the energy I need to make it through my everyday.

Thank you True Urban Queen.

And now since the controls are in my hands, instead of 7 folks to bestow this honor, I choose 5. Mainly because my blog circle is kinda small and actually I like it that way but in any case, I choose, The Brillante 5:

Ticia

MzNewy

ChezNiki

Kay C The Quiet Storm

Mike

Sunday, October 19, 2008

FEAR VS LOVE

Some people say that their are only 2 root emotions and they are FEAR and LOVE. And all other emotions stem from them. As with most emotions, one must choose which will lead their words, their behavior, their lives.

I believe that no one wants to choose fear.

However by focusing on the things that cause us to fear, fear may just be intensified.

I sometimes have a fear of falling down the stairs. I've actually fallen down quite a few steps in my life. What that fear has done is made me aware and I take precaution before descending down any flight of stairs.

Yet some fear that they are unworthy of good things or good people. Some fear embarrassment, failure or rejection. Because of that fear, some may be angry, they may lash out, they may close themselves off from others.

However... LOVE

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

Love is peaceful, it is freeing, it is forgiving. I think that everyone truly wants to choose love but sometimes they just don't know how to. It's certainly not easy to choose love. By choosing love you are tolerant with yourself and others. You look your fears in the face and say "thank you for-giving..." For giving me that grief, that anger, that selfishness and turn that grief into joy, that anger into calm and that selfishness into compassion. Choosing takes a lot of work.

I'm making quite a few transitions in my life lately and I find myself getting caught up in my fears. I've been in my I want what I want when I want it phase. I've been controlling, arrogant, and lashing out from my insecurities.

But today I choose Love. All of my fears, I bless them. Because like my fear of falling down the steps, I take the precaution of going slower, holding on to the banister in life and being aware of every thing, person, and situation I encounter. I choose to be honest with myself. I carry a journal and jot down my fears as they appear and affirm each one of them with something positive.

All fears may not truly go away but the response time should rise by choosing and giving power over to Love.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Today I... Random Words I Type

Today I...
... am so tired. I'm not as youthful as I look! LOL I need to get at least 5 hours rest but last night I thought I could run a marathon or something and only got 3 hours....

Today I...
... look so good in my new pair of jeans

Today I...
... found out that they are transferring my partner in crime, CB. But we are unstoppable! As long as there is instant messaging and a staircase near, we cannot be separated, but I will miss her big head. All I can do is turn my head around to see if she's at her desk before I walk over or... call her. Yes we call each other even though we are literally a couple of feet away! The thing is, my supervisor is seated between us. She won't have a phone upstairs, at least not right away but we'll find a way to communicate.

Today I...
... was lovingly reprimanded for my egotistical behavior

Today I...
... realized that sometimes I try so hard when really I need to fall back and realize that everyone just wants to be happy and since we're not here to hurt each other, I must learn to speak lovingly

Today I...
... still want to be wrapped up in my his arms, laying up in bed, instead of working

Today I...
... want to eat nothing but comfort food (mashed potatoes, corn, creamed spinach, cake, hot cocoa)

Today I...
... smiled a genuine smile at one of my co-workers who I really can't stand

Today I...
... miss his picture text messages

Today I...
... will go straight home after work, take care of my household and watch my fave ABC shows

Today I...
... want to believe that true love exists and have no doubt

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Why Fight?

I should have learned my lesson with Stephan.
One semester we were fighting like lovers.
The next semester he was in a wheel chair.
And the following semester he was dead.
Just like that.
And I never got to apologize,
Nor tell him how much I loved him,
I never got to say goodbye.

When life is all too fragile and short,
Why fight?

Why fight?
When I love you,
Even when the smoothness leaves your voice,
When you threaten to delete me from your phone
And disappear from my life,
Knowing it would break my heart

Why fight?
When you love me,
Even when I puff up like a dude
And the words from your mouth,
Sound like Charlie Brown's teacher,
And I turn my cold back to you.

Why fight?
When all we have is the moment we're in,
Not the past,
And how can we even foresee the future?
When we've wanted each other for years,
And finally have the opportunity
Why now are we fighting,
And afraid?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

My Cup Runneth Over... Random Words I Type

I feel so full. I know exactly why and I can only pray to take this joy I have and enfold it, store it and keep it close to me.

* It's after 4 in morning and I'm still up. I was asleep earlier but I received a phone call that kept me up for hours and now I sit in front of this pc.

* There's this Sister Circle that my church holds every month and I didn't attend last months because I had something else very important to do but one of the points brought up was when you're facing someone or something that's about to try your patience, don't let it. Instead smile and think of how God's goodness in your life.

* My co-worker CB, her mother, Mama B., shared wisdom with her the other day that she shared with me. To piggyback she said, "Don't worry about the man in the relationship, worry about you, being a better you, your best you. Take care of yourself, put yourself in the number one spot, lock it in and never let another occupy the space other than you." (I know CB, I piggy-backed big time!)

* As a girl child, I never wanted to see my mother cry, nor did I want to see my father cry. By witnessing my parent crying, it signaled that everything was not okay, that if mama or daddy couldn't hold it together, then no one could. But as a woman child, I know that it is necessary to cry, to release. Crying is cleansing like rain. Crying brings healing and clarity. So to my father, may he have a good cry as we say goodnight to my grandmother. Inspired by Lovebabz.

* I have seen Boris Kodjoe on 42nd Street, Tyson Beckford on 42nd and Broadway, Denzel in the Library across the street, Common on 46th and Broadway, AJ on 45th and Broadway, Hill Harper in BBQ's and 72nd Street by Columbus Avenue, Sean P. Diddy Combs in Justin's and Tyrese Gibson right outside my job and my swagger was in tact. But if I ever meet Andre Benjamin... All I want is for that man to whisper in my ear, just tickle my ear drums, give my a kiss on the cheek and a pat on my booty - I'll be so fine.

* My mother used to say to me, be careful what you ask for because God is a good God, he blesses the just and the unjust and he will answer your prayers. With that being said, I released it to the universe, made my requests known to God.... all I know is I completed my love list September 4, 2008 and let's just say that my cup is running over.

** It is so funny. Because I'm feeling full right now and I can't sleep, I get right on the pc and I type. I typed in my online journal and then I went blog hopping. I was lead to Lovebabz, MzTeeJaye, Brandi Bates and Kay C. The Quiet Storm. There are no accidents and no such thing as coincidence. Ladies, your way with words, your feelings, your expressions are blessings to me. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's My Anniversary...

I am learning that the Library is a big ole trap. The Library Trap. They trap you into working here for decades with the lure of Library School, better known as a Masters Degree in Information and Library Science. Then you're stuck here waiting on some older worker to retire or expire and hope that there is funding to keep the position open so you can apply and get the job. If or when that does happen, then you're here trying to learn that job, doing the job of others who have left and then the rest of the work is dumped on the remaining masses.

Today, they threw me a party to celebrate...

1. My birthday
2. My 11th anniversary

The food was delicious. The cake... ummm... was okay. No liquor. :(

In my department, we celebrate everyone's birthday, every year. Somebody please tell me why do they always try to surprise me? I always know when something is up. My co-workers leave the office area for long periods of time. CB comes over and asks me to escort her to the lounge for soda. How obvious can you people get?

That's me, front and center (I am sooo adorable). My supervisor is to the left with the locks. The one with her head of my shoulder is Ms. Liryc (fellow blogger), The far right is Shoba (Indian Princess Warrior), up above me is my homie.... I don't know if I should but I don't think she would be mad if I revealed her (but she may be mad because I posted this pic)... that's CB AKA Miss Stress (who also left the blog world suddenly and reemerged perhaps) and Ms. Ukraine is behind Warrior Princess. The photographer, my personal photographer (LOL) is on-the-job husband FP.

Then the anniversary.... First off, who celebrates 11 years on the job unless you're about to leave. 11 is an odd number! Secondly, they presented me with my 10 year pin today. Ummm, off by a year, huh? Yep. The library is definitely an off place. Thirdly, my 12 year anniversary is in January. My 11th year is almost over. So you mean to tell me I'm not worth 2 parties?

That's me holding up my teeeny 10 year pin. I can barely see it. But my cuff bracelet is cewt! Wonder Woman! (My baby gave it to me)

I loved the food and I'm so glad that I am taking most of it home. I have shrimp and veggies for dinner, along with chocolate strawberry shortcake and fruit. My co-worker Saki, yes Saki, paid for it. Well she can afford it actually because she's the only one of us who works because she wants to and for financial security just in case her husband pulls the strings on their marriage... But on a better note, me and Saki have gotten along better this year than in prior years and she loves me. We've outworked everyone else in this department, working together for 7 years.

All in all.... I'M HAPPY! I love this place. If I didn't, I would have crawled out of this library hole 8 years ago when I graduated with my undergrad. I would then be trapped with young'ns for 10 months a year, summers off. Who said library's don't know how to throw a party? For my tastes, all I need is good food and cake. A little bubbly snuck under the table by one of my cronies would have been nice-er.

Most of all, as always.... I'm thankful.

Monday, October 6, 2008

And in the midst of it all...

This past Saturday, October 4th, I celebrated my 33rd birthday.
Life is funny because I kept telling my peeps that I didn't want anything big for my birthday way before last Monday but still my guy wanted to do something and my friends wanted to take me out and since I celebrate for the month, I'm not quite done celebrating.

Friday
I went to church, believe it or not. It was an important service and I really wanted to get out of the house. Afterward me and my church friends went out to G-Bar, this little ole place in the Bronx and I had a nice time. I don't know if I was actually tipsy over the vanilla & chocolate martini or because I was up pretty early that morning. The food and drink was delicious.
And I'm so appreciative to my buddies for taking me out to celebrate my birth.

Saturday
I had an epiphany Saturday morning while exercising that I was going to be going out of state to this restaurant I have been dying to try. Well when my guy hit the turnpike I knew we were indeed heading to Joe's Crab Shack and in every way it lived up to its commercial. It's a shack and they have some banging seafood. I actually took pictures of the food but I haven't had a chance to go home to get them off of the camera in order to post them.
Then we came back to NY and did another simple thing I wanted to do which was go to the movies. We went to see "Lakeview Terrace" but after getting the tickets the usher told us to go into another theater where they played "The Express" which isn't actually released until next week and then Lakeview Terrace afterward. Two movies for the price of one!

Sunday
Church day, all day.
The youth choir bought me a card and a hand bag. That gladdened my heart.

Today
My co-worker FP bought me a Junior's chocolate cheesecake. Delicious! It's a big ole cake so I didn't eat my lunch in order to have a taste.
My other co-worker bought me Russian truffles. Oh the joy!
I love chocolate. I can have chocolate and coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And since I'm a foodie, you can't go wrong buying me something delicious.

My father just called and told me I was doing too much and he can't understand why. "Communication is so important", he says. As if I haven't been speaking to him several times each day. If only he knew how much I don't like talking to folks! I wanted to scream at him that I was doing too much because he put $200 in my hand and told me to buy a dress, wig, earrings, stockings, slippers, gloves and underwear for his mother but instead I said, "Ok Daddy, I'll call Ms. Mason this evening and ask her to pick up the dress if she finds something by her job".

I'm learning not to take small things serious anymore.

I was reminded by one of my friends that I have to come up with 33 things that I want to do differently and another list began to emerge in my mind immediately. If and when I compose a list, taking things too seriously definitely will definitely be there.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Very Long Week

Once again I want to thank my blogger fam for your love, prayers and support. I appreciate you and your encouragement has uplifted me.

If I have learned nothing this week, I have learned that we must get things in order before our last days. It may seem morbid but we all know that dying is a part of life and like buying a home or making financial investments it is so important to get life insurance and other matters bought, purchased and settled for a smooth transition.

Gratefully my grandmother was insured and shortly before her passing she gave my father money so the family does not have to struggle for anything. That in and of itself is a blessing.

Gratefully there is no drama. Well... not a whole heck of a lotta. I can't express how glad I am that there is no one who wants to do too much of everything or wants things to be so extra special that you just want to kick them in the back of the knees. Everyone of my father's friends and his special lady friend are so supportive and loving.

Gratefully my brother is flying in on Thursday from Antigua. His wife is here in the US preparing to give birth... now I told you that my grandmother would have been 93 years-old in November and my sister-in-law is giving birth the first week in November...

Gratefully my church family and my close friends... man I appreciate you! My co-worker CB, I know you read me, I love you so much. DC, my sister, always always there for me. My guy and my friend B. Soul... if it were not for you, your support and your positive energy on Monday... all of my friends, without naming names, you are loved and appreciated.

.... posted by the really tired but thankful Ms.KnowitAll

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I.M. David

Dear Grandmother,

You know I usually call you Inez (in my head) and that's what my father always calls you, but this is formal and for formality I shall address you by your title, Grandmother.

On Monday, Grandmother, I received a call from my father that I knew would come one day yet I was not prepared to ever hear.

After I listened to the voicemail my father left, I cried and shook at my desk.
I just asked him about you 2 days before. He just went to see you, sat with you and watched TV with you. You were fine.

I thought to myself Maybe you were sleeping without your hearing aid like you did about 2 years ago and didn't hear the bell. Maybe when he gets into your apartment, he'll find you were sleeping hard, he'll awaken you and everything will be fine.

My parents told me over and over again to be the bigger person and heal the relationship I had with you, bridge the gap and visit you, force myself to be the granddaughter that you never seemed to embrace. I kept questioning them and myself, how can I, 60 years your junior, be the bigger person?

Consciously and without regret, I kept my distance, always feeling that you didn't love your youngest grandchild like you loved your older grandchildren. And even though it's been a year since I called you, I have no regrets.

I love you, always did, though alienated.

I remember when you came over to help me dress for my junior high school prom. I remember how you steamed my dress and helped me with my jewelry. I know that me being thicker than my sister, you were more proud of her tall lean frame, but that night you helped me live out my princess fantasies without complaint.

I remember the day that I broke our decade long silence. Something was wrong with my father and I could feel it in my bones. I called his house and he didn't answer. I called every hospital in the Bronx, he wasn't in any. I called his job and they told me he was in the hospital. I called my mother who still had your number and then I called you. "He's in Cornell-Presbyterian", you told me, "And by the way, are you still fat?" I replied, "No Grandma, I'm skinny now" and knowing the truth, we both laughed.

Grandma, you weren't always the loving, affectionate grandmother. Maybe it is because I'm not tall and lean like Junior & Joanne. Maybe it's because I'm not a full-blooded Antiguan. I don't know why it is that you never welcomed me but you are a loving mother to my father.

When my father called me and told me to call him, it was important, Inez is dead. I cried and shook at my desk... for him. I cried because I mourn a woman I've always wanted but never got a real chance to know. I wanted to know your favorite hymns, your much loved scripture. I wanted to see you without your wig, touch your braids again. I wanted to see you in your favorite hat and hear your voice again. I cried because I knew my father is an only child and he loves you so much and you love him right back, fervently, and after having you for his 64 years, you have gone home to Glory.

In the 2 days since your death, I have been running around, exhausted, because my father is unable to run or focus or make decisions alone. I am finding myself learning more about you in these last 2 days than I knew in the 32, almost 33 years of my life.

I don't believe that it's ever too late to show someone your love. You may not be around to see me or hear me but I believe your soul feels me and directs me as I take care of your final arrangements. However difficult our relationship was, what we are to each other now is profound.

I intend to honor you as the regal woman you are. On November 22, 2008, had you lived, you would have observed your 93rd birthday. Truly you are blessed. They tell me that you just went to sleep, with a peaceful smile on your face, while watching TV. You weren't ill perhaps though unbeknownst to all of us, you were weary, yet always running to take care of your younger brother. Thank you Grandma, for giving me such a loving and wonderful father. I honor you, Grandmother, by loving Daddy and by being the best daughter that I can be for him.

May your soul eternally rest easy, Grandma Inez. Love You Always.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I am Disturbed

... When I hear stories of an 18 year-old young man who douses a 14 year-old boy with gasoline and runs after him with a match. L.I. Man Accused Of Attacking Boy, 14, With Gasoline

... When a beautiful 14 year-old girl in my church tells me that she is only pretty when she wears fake eye lashes, a weave down to her waist and a pair of stilettos... which are cheap and she struggles to walk in them.

... When I read about a young couple who fall 6 stories to their death. Lovebirds plunge from Bronx roof to their death after night of clubbing

... When a 7 year-old girl tells me that she just got her hair done and she's wearing tight pants so she knows when she goes to Chuck E. Cheese, she's going to get her man.

... When a pregnant woman enters a train and all of the big burly men are sitting down, turning away or blatantly acting like they are asleep so they won't have to give up their seats.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sunglasses At Night...

... "Every now and then / I might check your caller I.D. / Just to see who's callin' other than me / Every other girl I know does the same thing too / But they don't even say that they do"

~ Faith Evans, "Jealous"

I am a jealous woman and because I am real and own up to my emotions, I wear my jealous green proudly. However, I don't ask questions I don't want answers to and I don't play private eye. Sometimes I seem a little standoffish and vague because of it but it's my defense mechanism - I have to protect my heart.

I love the song Jealous by Faith Evans. I remember blasting it when it came out in 2005... I'm so jealous, I can't help it... I'm so jealous, I can't control it....

The truth is, I can help it and I do control it. Sure I would love to go through my boo's cell phone to make sure he's really texting his cousin and not some new chick. I have his password to everything and I can easily check his email and so much more.

But I don't. It has more to do with his entitlement to his personal space than my security.

I know me and I can make a mountain out of a tiny little mole hill. I remember a couple of years ago when I attended my nephew's high school graduation and you couldn't tell me that his friends weren't gang bangers. I kept asking him who they were and why they all wore blue. Actually only one of them had on blue. I remember sneaking and reading my nephew's private myspace page at one time and he wrote about which gang was the best. He wrote about the blue one. Even after he told me that the guys were his friends from church, I didn't believe him. It wasn't until I questioned his mom that it was confirmed for me. I wouldn't have speculated and disturbed him on his graduation night with my interrogation if I didn't snoop.

My mother always told me "Seek and ye shall find, and don't seek if you aren't prepared to find something that hurts". Growing up, my father was quick to claim broke but by not putting his money in a checking account, he stashed money in his closet. I'm pretty sure a time or two when my mom was searching for some dough, she probably came across a number or maybe even a pair of panties. Oh something made her tell me that little adage.

I am many things but a snooper, I am not. I don't know how much money my guy brings home. I don't know whose numbers are in his cellular. I don't check his pockets, ever. I do have an open mind and I firmly believe in open communication so if there is anything I really care to know, I have no problem expressing myself, I will ask. Whatever he chooses to share is fine. Whatever he chooses to keep secret is fine too, I don't force any issue.

I remember one time I was dating this guy, an older gentleman who liked jazz clubs and art galleries - I had a ball with him. One particular night I was at home with my girl DC and he was out. Probably with female and male friends. All I know is he simply told me, when I called him, that he was out. DC sat there, listening to my convo, and when it ended told me to call him back and ask him who he was with. Peer pressure is a mother because I didn't want to call him, I wasn't concerned with who he was with - our relationship wasn't even serious. And it never got that way either because I did eventually call him and did some more investigating with DC's help. He may have been all wrong for me to begin with or he could have been Mr. Right. It's water under the bridge now but I learned my lesson.

If I want to know something, I just ask! After all dirty little deeds done in the dark eventually come to the light. And the dirty deeds that go unknown, will probably never affect me. Don't get me wrong - I do not turn a blind eye nor a deaf ear to the obvious and I have a bull'ish meter that rarely steers me wrong but everyone is free to be who they are without a snooping eye spying with a sense of entitlement to know every little thing that someone is doing, hiding or typing...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

... What Number Are You?

I am a loyalist... and I can't agree with more.

You Are 6: The Loyalist

You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.
You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.
At Your Best: You are courageous, a positive thinker, and expressive. You can take on the world.
At Your Worst: You are secretly insecure - which makes you sarcastic, cold, and argumentative.
Your Fixation: Doubt
Your Primary Fear: Abandonment
Your Primary Desire: Security and support
Other Number 6's: Mel Gibson, Woody Allen, Jay Leno, Marilyn Monroe, and Julia Roberts.

What Number Are You?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Random Words I Type

* I forgot my book at home for 2 straight days or there would be more of the 61 things every well-spoken lady knows. But then again, I think that we blogger women could probably write 61 thousand things... and it would certainly be a best seller!

* I've got a matter of the heart, Kiaya. And the movie that best resembles my love life is Annie Hall. ?!?!?!

* I've got you over here who doesn't understand my thinking, my need for freedom, my love of all things beautiful, my devotion to my family and we've been together for the past few years and I love you and your daughter to death, through the rough and rocky and the joyous and happy.

* Then I've got you over here who I keep on bumping into. So what I knew you since 2002?! So what you're fine and you like serenading me, "Kisses Don't Lie"?! So what you're a beautiful struggling artist who keeps saying to me "No pressure, Special K, no pressure"?!

* All I know is that you're a big distraction... and I'm confused...

* I have officially turned into my office's terrorist. One stupid email from my sup's boss and I lost my ladiness. I demanded Saki buy me some chocolate cake-ah. I get mad at my replacement for occupying not one but two copy machines and I send off one not-so-nice email to my sup's supervisor. I haven't received a reply yet and I'm glad. I felt like flipping desks and chairs earlier.

* What would possess that fool to CC all of those people like I don't know what I'm talking about? I used to work for him and I used to run his office smoothly! Now suddenly he's questioning me and cc'ing folk who know that I'm correct because everyone's up on it, except for his dumb @ss!

* Why would they hire me to put out fires? Better yet, why would I apply for this position? I know it's been a year that I've been here but I don't like fires. Right now I just want some routine, monotony. Troubleshooting is my number one duty. My supervisor gave me a list of our duties and it's still tacked up on my cubbie wall.

* Now that I'm looking at the list of duties, I realize that I have been doing 5 of her 10, added to my 9. WHAT?!?!?!

* After not eating meat since May, I think tonight I want a mushroom angus burger from McDonald's.

* But I know it's just my hormones.

* You text message me "Thoughts of you leaves me day dreamin'" STOP! *~Smile~*... okay... (sigh) don't stop.

* I'm trying to find a clip from Harlem Nights when Danny Aiello had a taste of Sunshine and calls his wife to says "Barbara, it's Richie. I ain't never coming home no more. Take it easy." That's awful :(

* I've been talking to this dude and about this dude for 2 days! And smiling like a fool! My cheeks hurt.

* Either white nor off-white is my friend or because I look and feel humongous!

* You're energy, feels so damn good to me.... Now what am I supposed to do / When I want you in my world / How can I want you for myself / When I'm already someones girl?

* See it ain't nothing wrong with dreaming / Boy don't get me wrong / Cause every time I see you / I know just how strong / That my love is for my baby / But emotions just don't lie / Well I know I'm a lot of woman / But not enough to divide the pie

* I guess Ill see you next lifetime

I'm outta here! I told my guy to pick me up at the station around 7:30 and there's no way I'm making it out to East Newy in under an hour.